What I am in a glimpse...

Yes it’s true, I apologize too much

Except when it’s socially correct

I stare off into space and go away

To who knows where for periods of time

And when I get back I say strange things

That usually make sense, to me at least

Though sometimes to no one at all

I give too much of myself & settle in too quickly

Yet hold pieces of myself from everyone

I run away all the time, in my mind

But always come back or find somewhere

Else to go

You think you know me so well

But believe me when I tell you that you don’t

Though you may know me better than myself

My quirks are many
I giggle at odd moments or stay oddly silent
Seem far more serious than I ever am
Obsess on silly things & distract easily
I talk too much and interrupt

I rarely say what I really mean
Though I never intentionally lie or hide
Well sometimes

But because it’s safer for both you and I

That way 

I have trouble finding the right words

And I’m never on time

I know things will go wrong

But believe they’ll work out in the end

I’m overly polite, kind and compassionate

Yet part of me doesn’t fucking care at all

If you stay a while I’ll probably drive you away

But maybe we’ll find a space that we’re

Both comfortable with

A certain pleasant mix of solitude and together

An unset and not unsettling schedule

I do believe anything is possible

I just don’t believe that a lot of things are likely

To happen, just because they can or could

If you ask me I’ll likely remember the answer

Hours later after you’ve fallen asleep

Or tell you something close enough to the truth

If you walk away I’ll want you to stay

If you stay I’ll walk away or stay too long

I can try harder to do more and will

But for now these are the words I have

The accomplishments I have managed

And as disappointing as they may seem at times

They are enough, as am I

Don’t put me on a pedestal and I won’t spit on you

Don’t spit on me or ignore me and you may

Find I’m worth having by your side

I need my own time & space as do you

Sometimes neither will ever be enough

Or far too painfully much

Sometimes it will be seemingly perfect

Either way, as fucked up as it can get

It is what it is and I am who I am

And I'm tired of apologizing for that

Of making excuses for not being good enough

Or cool enough to know what band is on the radio

Or who invented what or to care what the reasoning is

Behind it all, it is what it is

I am who I am

I may never be satisfied with that and that's life

But if you're not, then do me a favor and walk away

Sooner than later

Because I may work to better my faults

But you have no more right to try to change me

Then I do to try to change you

If I try to then I do apologize, I never meant to

Grey Matter Parasites

I have to stay busy you know

To keep the synapses active in my brain

Then their electrical impulses can zap

The hungry worms that move around

The grey matter that try to gobble up

All my good memories and tangle things up

Creating thoughts of confusion and paranoia

Can’t pause for too long

Lest they eat up the day that we made plans

For tomorrow & laughed about yesterday

Sometimes I even think I can hear the crunching

That they make as they make snacks of my thoughts

But then it’s just the neighbors next door

Sometimes I think I can hear them slithering

As they move between my imagination and reason

But it’s just the wind picking up outside

If I stay busy I think they’ll stay away

From the color of your eyes

And what I was supposed to get done today

Personality Riddles - 1

So what am I

A turtle dove with clipped wings in the wrong season

A child with far too much reason filling her brain

A mass murderer who won’t even kill a fly

A person who forgot the answers to why & why not

Standing on the edge of reason and wanting to jump

A laugh at an awkward moment

A song with lyrics that make no sense but sound good anyway

A riddle with no answer because no one wants to guess

A maid with no house to clean but a dirty mind

A moment that lasts too long but not long enough

Depending on the day and who is nearby

I am so many different things

Yet still nothing more than me

Not wanting to wait...

Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you

Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you can’t find the time

To tell me Hi every once in a while

Guess it seems silly to you and maybe it is

Seems silly to me that I care, that I wonder, or let it bother me

Believe me I wish I could shut that part of my brain off

Get myself to understand that one does not have to do

With the other, that not calling, is not the same as not caring

I know the truth, but my mind still creates imaginary

Scenarios in which the world is lopsided and I’m on the

Narrow side unable to see or be a part of the rest of things

Does this make sense?

Just as well I don’t understand it myself

What gives you the right to go on living and doing

Things without involving me

What makes me want to be involved when I want to

Live my own life

Why do I ask for things I do not want?

Why is this not good enough and if it isn’t

Why can’t I just walk away?

Maybe it’s more than I want, it’s certainly

Not what I asked for, but then that’s serendipity

I want you to tell me, let me in on the secrets

You seem to be hiding

But I don’t want to you change or have to say

A thing you don’t want to

What is it we need and will it ever be enough

I can’t seem to feed this empty confused place

That lives inside of me like a black hole in my belly

Yet every so often it’s simply satisfied and

I don’t know what to do with myself

But smile or giggle and give you a strange look

Just so you know I refuse to wait by the phone

But I would like it if you called at some point

Though if you do I might not answer anyway

Trying to figure it out...

I have given up on a great many things
But never really on you or on me
I have pretended to be less than I am
But part of me has always known who I am
And who I can be, no matter the doubts seen
I have said more than I meant to
More than I should have said to
You or anyone else, stepped over the edge
Again and again, passed the norms of expected
Actions from everyday social interaction
Overstepped my bounds & said too much
Overstayed my welcome or walked away too soon
I can't really say which is the truth
Which was the case in the fitting situation
If I had gone to far or not far enough
Said too much or not enough
I haven't got it all figured out and won't
Pretend that I do nor act the idiot
That will play along with the games
That others want to set up for me
Like I'm some lame duck
Willing to follow along without questioning
What has been said to me & my friends

Game of life

Our lives aren't scripted like the movies
We can try to plan our our moves out
Try to figure out what to say
And how it's all going to play out
But we don't get the audience's
All knowing perspective
The dice fall where their meant to
Not where we want them to
There is no perfect time or right words
Even if you play all the right chords
It won't sound right if it seems forced

Que Sera Sera

It is what it is
Or in this case
It is what it isn't
Either way, no point
On worrying about it
No rhyme or reason
Sometimes for the way
Things work out
That's how it seems
To be to me at times
You have to read between
The pauses and lines
But will you glean
What they want to say
But aren't willing to
Or just what you want
To hear them say
It is what it is
Or in some cases
It is what it isn't
No point in over thinking
What you can't change
Or fretting about what
Has already come to pass
Got to find your own way
Of looking at things
Knowing whatever will be,
Shall be