Dark Thoughts On A Gloomy Night

(written a little while back)

I don't want to think anymore
I want these moments to pass
To be done and gone
It's all happened before
I don't seem to be changing
Anything for the better
Am I improving anything
Or just doing the same damn things
Over and over again
Falling for the sames guy
Believing every little lie
Letting them make me cry
Stopping before I try
Then trying too hard for my
Own good
No one wants what I have
Yet they take and take and take
Then act like I'm the one
That is being selfish when I take
Any little thing
I don't have any big plans
No dreams drawn from the stars
Haven't written up any pragmatic goals
Yet you accuse me of scheming
Of trying to hook you in
As if I'd know what to do with you
If I had you
I'm really not the fool
I apparently seem to be
I am who I am and I'm tired of trying
To explain that to you
I'm too exhausted from this cycle
I'm not sure I have any more to give
But I know taking is not the answer
I want to run away somewhere far
From here where no one is relying
On me or pretending to care
Find a maelstrom to get lost in
An adventure to find myself in
Something I can believe in
Because right now all I see is lies
Like maggots and flies
Swimming in soup and champagne
Games played by cruel people
That happily pull at our strings
Good intentions and miscommunications
Driving canyons in between relations
I'm starting to want to be blind
To close my eyes to it all
I'm having to search so hard for kind
Thoughts and comments
I don't want to fall
Nor do I think I can trust in
You to catch me, seems too tall
An order to rely on anyone
But I know somewhere within me
That these are just dark thoughts
Creeping in at a dark hour to blot
Out all the light and all I have fought
For in the days that have past
And they have no power that can last
Over me for very long

To The Core

Skin tingling crawling even
Eyes twitchy and vision uneven
Mind racing and pacing
Round in the same directions
Tracing over the same lines
Till it's too dark to read the signs
To see what's right in front of you
We could scream till we're blue
But it won't change a thing
Till we're ready to take action
To take the time to listen
To our hearts and each other
To find ways to clear the debris
Cease our hesitation and be free
Of excuses and obstructions
To not overthink and analyze
Each thought and choice
To no longer be finding ourselves
Doubting our emotions and voice
To move forward unafraid to look
Back at our past and learn from our work
To find ways to take the good
From the bad and not be hindered by regret
To be willing to take a stand and set
The record straight not letting anyone
Take anymore than you're willing to give
If we only have one life to live
It must be our own to be shared only
In measures we can abide
And if there is a situation you have tried
Repeatedly to reconcile
Maybe it's time to recognize
That some things must be set aside
Let go of, whether for forever or just a time
Can not be know right away
And in such things you will rarely have a say
But you must walk away
Move on, grow up, change
Be who you are, can be, yet staying the same
At the core, for the most part
We like the tides are ever moving
Always changing and being affected by
All the things around us
There are times to go with the flow
To fight it, direct it, resist it
We must find it within us to know
That what we're doing is right
To no longer be second guessing
Each of our actions and stressing
Out about each of our choices
To be outside the maelstrom of indecision
That ceaselessly tries to pull us into
A cycle of self doubt
Finding a way to be who we are
In this world living our lives
In a way we wish and that fits us
All the way to the core

Bruised Ego

I don't have thick skin
I do my best to hid it
I don't fit in and never have
But I do have friends
I do speak sarcasm
But honestly I don't get it
Half of the time, taking
Others to literally or personally
This is just me and who I am
There are things about me
That I can't explain
Because I change day to day
I'm not cool, my jokes are lame
But I still find a way to make
Others laugh and feel okay
Most of the time
Like the tide my life
Seems to follow certain patterns
Yet nothing is quite the same
From day to day
Friends disappear while others stay
Habits come and go
While repeated mistakes
Cause me bits of strife
Somehow I've learned to not let
The past haunt me or to regret
Anything that has come to pass
Shadows do linger in crass comments
Of bitterness that tries to grow
Like weeds in a garden to be mowed over
I'm easily confused, surprised and amused
But not so easily shocked
Even though it can be frustrating
I like getting lost
I love wild rides and quiet walks
A good story I can get lost in
I do tend to lose sight of things
And the big picture alludes me
I think the best of people
Till I no longer can and even then
I still hold out hope for them
No matter how used I've been
Still at some point I know
I've got to walk away
My mind has been known to stray
My feet to find their own way
Following a path not even I can see
I don't have thick skin
Sometimes I don't even
Bother to hide it
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'll let you in if I can
But I really can't promise anything

A friend asked "How's Life?"

Life is good
While it's a tangle
Of Aspirations & Inspirations
Detour signs & Road blocks
As frustrating & maddening
As they can be, I like puzzles
So throw at me whatever
You've got & what I can't catch
I'll put the pieces together
Again into a mosaic
Someone somewhere will appreciate
As a work of art
That's how I see my life
When I don't have an umbrella
I'll take the opportunity
To dance in the rain
Till I'm soaked through
And starting to feel a bit miserable
I'll find some sort of shelter
Till the sun comes out again
I'll stop to gander at the rainbows
Till I must wander onward
Into the daylight and through
The dark and wild nights
That's how I see my life
And it's really quite alright
;)

Mini Rant / Random Tui Thoughts of the Week

I had a realization last night in conversation... I haven't worked on writing my stories in a while because it's work. I write poems still pretty often, but those - while sometimes tricky to get the rhythm and wording down- are partly stream of consciousness & mostly just pour out of me. They are not work. I really do want to get more stories written & now realize I have to treat it more like a job. 
So I now that have a "Day Job" I don't have to worry about bills. I can finally tell people where I work, instead that I don't, but try not to act embarrassed that it's back in retail. Yet it's still not answer to "What I Do". Because that answer includes stuff like work at a job & that I write, take lots of photos, do crafts, travel, hang with & help friends & family, go to shows, study anthropology, train in archery, & watch movies... 
It's not a career, but it is my life. 
& I realize it's time to get serious about "Moonlighting" & WORK at making some of my hobbies & dreams more than just that. 
So yeah... ;) 
How's your Saturday? LOL

Truths Spoken In The Moment

I react to what you say
And how it makes me feel
Respond with words that seem real
I don't mean to act so strange
Or to seem so easy to sway
It's just the way I am
Sometimes I'm the ringleader
And sometimes I play along with the game
I don't really care what the rules are
But still I try to follow them most days
Sometimes I hide on the edge of the crowd
Sometimes I am a voice in the middle rowdy
And wild and carefree while riding the waves
If you were to ask if I would stay
I would say yes and it would be true
Till I was ready to go my own way
Because all I really know how to do
Is react to what you say
In the way that feels right in that moment

I don't believe a guy
Should ask a girl
About her morals & motives
Anymore than others think
That he should ask her age
Yet I get asked that all the time
Since my looks are deceptive

My opinions & the way I act
Change from day to day
I do things sometimes that
Others might regret
But I refuse to look back
At anything but the good times
You know my choices
Are mine to make
Even if the outcome is half chance
I still surprise myself from time to time
So I can't tell you what to expect
Or what it is that I want
Out of you or out of life


You ask me what I believe
Truth is that when it
Comes to certain things
It changes from one day
To the next
I think we should be able
To say whatever we want to
But sometimes I can't even believe
The words that come out of
My own mouth
I don't mean to lie, well rarely
But when it comes to somethings
What I want and what I think
Changes with my mood and the
Time of day
So I'm not sure what to say
I'm not sure anything I do
Would be completely true
It's not that I'm trying to be false
But any kind of relationship
Involves a dance not unlike the waltz
We turn in circles taking lead or following
The moves change along with the song
That is being played
Nothing can stay the same
The beat goes onward with occasional
Breaks in between
If it seems to you like I'm dodging
The question it is only because I am lacking
An honest heartfelt response knowing
You deserve some sort of answer
All I can do is change the subject
Would it actually matter if I poured
My heart out to you at this point in time

My thoughts stray to far off places
My vision gets hazy as my gaze
Drifts off to the distant horizon
As I look at nothing in particular
My thoughts set on nothing singular
But a mild mix of chaos and confusion
Of the things that should be done
The days that have past
Of moments of haven't yet occurred

Rough Waters...

It's morning and the world is grey
As usual I don't know what to say
And I'm sure I said all the wrong things
Even if I had my own set of wings
I could not fly away from my troubles
They would follow me through
Air and sea, desert and forest
I must find a way to face them head on
No matter how rough the road may be
There is blue sky peaking through
And a sparkle to the water
A silver lining to every cloud
So while I may not have the right words
I must speak them anyway and face
The outcome if I am to move forward
I may cry to easily sometimes or
Laugh at the wrong moments
Talk a mile a moment or get really quiet
Say things I don't mean unintentionally
Tell the same story three more times
Drink a little too much after not eating enough
Talk too much without really saying anything
But sometimes I can come up with
A perfect one liner to make you smile again
And I'll always be there to pick you up
When you stumble or need a shoulder
To lean on or an ear to listen
I'm not perfect and neither are you
We both know this so I don't know
What we are each running away from
Or what keeps driving us apart
I don't think my mistakes are unforgivable
Nor do your quirks make you undesirable
Time does not heal all wounds
At least not time alone
Some have to be treated and dealt with
Or they will begin to rot and fester
Friendships have been lost for less
But all I can do is say I am sorry
I never meant to cause you harm or worry
Never meant to show you any disrespect
Just trying to my best with the cards
That I have been dealt
Sometimes I make wrong turns and get lost
But I've found that can be the best way
To find roads to places unseen before
So sometimes I wander and stray
Do stupid things and say horrible things
Test the waters or take crazy risks
Maybe it not always the best way to be
Maybe sometimes it's just right
But I am trying to do my best
To learn from my mistakes
To take criticism and take any hit
With a grain of salt, to not be fake
To anyone including myself
So I hope we can find the rainbow
At the end of all of this storm
That when the clouds to clear
We do not simply see destruction
In our wake but possibility and hope
Opportunity and the ability to cope
With whatever obstacle that is thrown
Our way
That we will be better people
For what we've come through

If I don't wake up tomorrow...

Some days I feel like I've made mistakes
That there is no way I'll ever be able to make
Up for even after I am laid down
I still hope someone will be willing to
Give me a proper wake
To toast my life and not fake
Any of the words to relay
The feelings or the thoughts of the day
Will any of them have the guts to
Dance on my grave
I'd applaud a bit of east coast swing
Or even an Irish jig if someone was
Willing to try to pull it off
Am I being to morbid
To mention any of this
Or am I just being clear in the
Hear and the now
As to what I'd would prefer
If some less desirable
Reality were to occur
I'd rather you find some
Silly reason to laugh
Or a good song to listen to
Then to dwell on my loss
I haven't the words to make
It any easier in the least

A few short bits...

I said no more games
So you put away the cards
And got out the dice
Thinking a new set of rules
Would make all the difference
Maybe it would if we weren't
So obsessed with breaking them
And telling lies about what we
Really want out of life
So roll and see if you like
The numbers you read
See if they'll make you happy
I'll be over here blowing bubbles
While I make up a new ending
To this story

The steady trickle of blood
From your bleeding heart
Smells of old pennies and regret
I'm not the answer to the
Questions you won't even ask
No matter you many times
You cut you'll never get
Deep enough to let go
Of all the mistakes of your past
When you see me walking away
Don't call out to me
I can't hear you anymore anyway

Just a hay penny for a dance card
A swirl about the room
A moment so very far
From your daily grind and reality
The song will end soon
But in the meantime you can get
Lost in the music and lights
All it costs is a smile
And just a little change
To get away for a little while

Except for a trick dime
Each coin has two sides
Both can not be seen
At the same time
It may be covered in dirt
Grime and oxidation
But beneath the layers
It is still a shiny dime
Unless irrevocably corroded
We can not show everything
That we are at all times
We don't always mean to
Hide our faces and intentions
Most of us clean up fine
While some would be lost
If they washed away their disguise

Good Night, Till morning...

The sun will shine when morning comes
Whether it is hidden by clouds
Whether or not you call
I'll rise and if it is a work day
I'll get myself ready for what's ahead
If it's not then I'll dance or read
Maybe run errands that need to be ran
I'll twirl around to the sound of a song
Only I can hear
Sometimes I'll wish you were near
Maybe even fear the worst
Because that's how I was raised
A bunch of worry warts in my family
But then I'll watch a hummingbird feed
I'll see a ray of light pass through
And I'll walk on listening to that song
Only I can hear
I'll step off the edge with no fear
Make wishes on dandelions in the day
And on the stars in the night time
Throw coins into wells and fountains
Leap into things that I shouldn't
Walk out onto the hot sand
Knowing soon I'll stand in cool waters
What am I trying to say
You will ask me one day
I won't have an answer
If you can deal with that then
I know we'll be alright
So for now I'll just say good night
Knowing the sun will rise
In the sky tomorrow
And even if it's grey, it'll be okay

Daily Life...

The dagger wavers above me
Trying to be threatening but failing
Don't get me wrong my dear
It's point is sharp and could be deadly
But I have chosen life just like
That folktale that I'm sure I
Have managed to remember wrong
The one about the king that could not be
Unless he understood that his throne
Sat beneath a sword that could fall
At anytime, or something like that
It was the responsibility of his people
That he took on along with the fact
That many would hate and fear him
Others still would try to kill him
Just for his the luxory of his position
I've looked for the story
It's not that far off from what I thought
Some bits though are quite different
I find the anecdote fits here
We all know if we choose life
That also means accepting death
So to speak
To know it could be tomorrow
But then again it might not be
But just in case why not live
Every moment like it could be
Be nice, laugh, risk something
So what if the person I'm with
Is crazy, if they make me smile
So what if I spend the day alone
Drawing silly faces on a stone
If it makes me feel good inside
Tomorrow we'll find the end
Of the rainbow and wander into
The theater to see the end of three movies
We'll stay on the ride when they tell us
It's time to get off & just hang on tighter
Cry till we are screaming into the night
Scream till we are laughing at the day light
I know there are dangers around each corner
I know the earth may shake or the store
May be robbed and something might go bang
Sometimes I still jump because the phone rang
Early one morning with dark words
Maybe it's just the surprise of the sound
They say the pen can be more deadly than a sword
The way what we say can cut right through to
Our hearts and wrap our minds all around
I could step out my door to my doom
Or I could find in my heart a bit of room
For another if they were to reach out
So I know there is a dagger hanging about me
Trying to threaten me day in and out
But it's edge sparkles with the light of the sun and moon
And I don't care that one day it'll strike
If in the mean time I manage to live this life

First Ramblings of the New Year

It's a new year and I haven't said a word
At least not on here
Haven't written a word of poetry in a while
I'd love to say it's because all is well
Not that it's terrible
There are fantastic days and horrible ones
I'd like to say I've found other ways to
Sucessfully process everything
But that'd be a bit of a lie
I don't know why I've been away
I have been trying new things
Or old things over again
I got a Tai Chi DVD
It's agonizingly slow but I'm trying
Each day a bit more of it
It's done in a bunch of segments
So I will do 1A then 1B till I get to five
That's when all the moves come together
So I'll probably start all over again
To get them down right
I still haven't painted anything
Though I have a couple ideas
One is mixed media maybe
But then I need to find pictures of the city
And some of the forest with streams
Because that's what made up most of my
Road trip up north to Washington visually
The city on one side and the forest on the other
In the middle a long dark white spotted road
And the words my cousin said
It's Okay We'll Make This Work
I love those words so much
I'm trying to find a job
Any job I can find that will hire me
That's not true at all
I'm picky as hell most of the time
But I do apply for stuff I don't care about
I wish I could find something I want to do
So This is just going to be randomness
That's what I get for not writing for a while I guess
My cat is on my lap and it's late into the night
Nothing seems wrong nothing is quite right
It's all out of place and still where it needs to be
That's about how I feel
It doesn't need to make sense
I danced last night & I was truly happy
It doesn't take a lot to make me smile
There is a lot right now that makes me sad
But I'm doing my best to find the silver lining
In it all, in all the moments everyday
Nearly every week someone in my family goes
To the hospital for some reason
We are mortal beings only given so much time
We don't get to know how much we're given
We can't dwell on it or we'll waste it
I've been writing in a journal
Except the last two days while obsessing about
Filling out awful job applications
I've barely left the house in the last week
But I've still managed you live
I brought in the sewing machine
Sanded the long bow I was given
For my birthday along with a set of arrows
Read about an adventure to find faeries
And started typing up my Europe trip notes
I still check my phone 2-3 times a day
Hoping someone will call from far away
I check the internet all the time to see
Other people living life their way
We interact sometimes with each other
Over the interconnecting signals
Or I go out and see a familiar face in person
It's how we live in the modern world
Sometimes I take time though to sit quietly
Watching the hummingbirds feed or the Heron
Slowly stalking it's prey in murky waters
Or I listen to loud music and sing terribly
So that's how I start the New Year
With a mix of quiet and chaos
Reflection and spontaneous combustion
A bit of the same old same old
But some new lessons, mistakes and adventures
Tomorrow is just another day
But it's one more someone else isn't granted
Instead of worrying about it be grateful
Take, give, laugh, cry, be crazy and enjoy
Well that's what I hope to do
Maybe I'll finally write down those stories
I have in my head or exercise enough to
Fit again into the pants I bought in Germany
Perhaps I'll find love or he'll find me
There's even a chance I'll end this poem

The End (for now)