Little moments that go by too fast
Sharing thoughts over drinks
It's not meant to last
Doesn't make it any less incredible
It's not the grand gestures
That make big impressions
A broken cookie & icing on your nose
Silly things that take so little
Yet mean so much more

Starting an adventure doesn't
Take a huge leap
Just a few steps
A bit of planning
Some hope
A decent amount of determination
And finding the way to set aside
Any fears of failure

There aren't any right words
You can put them in the
Grammatically correct order
You can say them in a way
That is considered politically correct
But none of that really matters
When it comes from the heart
When you say it simply because
You need to say it
The truth may hurt
The joke may fall flat
The meaning might be misunderstood
Saying it may make you feel stupid
But if you say the words with
No ill intent
Then they are never wrong
Nor idiotic or dumb
And should not be kept inside
For it would be worse
To have to say later
That you never tried

My coffee has gone lukewarm
As I sort through the
Distorted pictures and words written
On faded pages of paper
I can flip through the past
Change it or rearrange it
But I can't make it new
These are only memories
Glimpses of what may have happened
They just weigh me down
Letting me put my life on pause
While I reminisce about
What could have been
Or linger on the "good times"
I'm not saying I'm ready to throw it
All away or that I really need to
But it's time to set it all aside
Not worry if I remember each
Of the moments just right or
If they fall in the correct order
I've learned what I can from them
I'm ready to be rid of the weight
To feel even just a bit lighter
Like my nearly back coffee
A little creamer to cut the bitterness
Of the dark roast
I drink it down savoring the last bit
Of warmth in the ceramic mug
Knowing my past is just part of me
But like a job or name or title
It does not define me
But maybe what I've lived through
Has made me a bit stronger
Even more ready to deal
With each day to come
From now on

Next Chapter...

The past may be behind me
But I still feel it's pull on me
Like I was never successful
At sawing through the chains
They still tug at me like stains
On my shirt reminding me
Of mistakes made
Of spilled milk that I haven't
Learned to ignore and let
Someone else deal with for once
Always cleaning up others messes
While my ever growing stresses
Rise like a wave about to break
I'm tired of being scared of taking
That leap forward and making
A drastic change
I don't really know what I want
I don't really know what I'm afraid of
While my life was on pause
The rest of the wold moved on
Others learned, saw, lost, and fought
Now it's my turn to make a move
To put blinders on the past
Let it be no more than the last
Chapter in a book that can be
Reread but must be set aside
For the next volume
For adventure awaits in the next pages
I can't check the back for answers
I have to have faith in the choices
I make from this moment forward
No matter the worries that whisper
In my ear and darken my peripheral
I need to trust in the direction I take

(Just) Scratching the surface...

(old stuff that had been left in the editing room)


... of My Life
Living my life while
just scratching the surface
Of what lies beneath my skin
Sure I may wear my emotions
On my sleeve
But few, if any have ever seen
What desires lay with in
It is not that I lie to others
Intentionally, if at all
Nor do I know if it is fear
or not truly knowing myself
That keeps me from delving deeper
Not showing or saying more
Not trying harder or fighting harder
All I know is I haven't yet broken
The skin, my blood beneath just warm
What am I trying to say you may ask
Why have I not before searched
For the words is my only answer
Why do I look back and think
I could have done more
Feeling that in just a blink
Of an eye so much time has past
And I with so little to show
I've never broken a bone
My scars are few
Only a few stories to tell
Will those memories last
When their numbers seem so small

... of our Situation
Trying to rationalize and analyze
The situation though no good end
Can in fact be realized by it
There is nothing to understand
Nothing to figure out about it
We have to live in the moment
Whether it is what it is or
More a matter of what it isn't
We are just scratching the surface
But maybe better that than digging in
Then to be tearing everything to shreds
Till blood runs from wounded skin
That will never really heal
Till we drive ourselves mad on
Over thinking how we feel
Or the situation at hand and
Push everyone else away
With our stir crazed ways
Instead of just finding a way
To go with the flow but stay
True to ourselves along the way
Why can't we just be
Instead of having to put
Names and rules onto everything
While just scratching the surface
Of who we are under our fake facades
Why can't we just put aside
Our preconceived notions and expectations
Of each other and ride the waves
As they come instead of finding ways
To destroy one another
Either directly or with apathy
I for one
Would like to find a another way

Change is on the horizon... I'm reacting as I know how ~ a mix of internalize, talk & write...

So, it's back to the drawing board again, soon anyway. Well sort of, it's not like I'm starting w/ a fresh page... in some ways that might be nice ~ a fresh start.
The fact is that I have a foundation of friends, a little network of connections and large pool of experiences to draw from. This may indeed be a blessing in disguise.
Oh ~ I realize that it's not likely that, unless you are part of an exceptionally small circle of people, you have any clue of what I'm talking about. I do that sometimes... start in the middle of a story and then back up.
I am essentially getting demoted at work. My hours are getting cut dramatically, however, my workload is only being cut by a sliver. It's just economics, I was told. I took an economics course a long time ago, I don't remember this part, but it was just a general overview of a class. I do understand their reasons, to a point, but it is still a kick in the gut.

The fact is that I couldn't see myself doing this job forever, certainly I had for longer than this, but Office Management is not really an ideal goal for someone who wants to have variety & creativity in their career. Not that there wouldn't be variety of a sort, if -you- the audience is feeling nit-picky, but not a much in the long run.

I got a damn good compliment yesterday amongst the maelstrom of change and wicked bad feelings- that a friend of mine has no doubt in my abilities to survive and get through this or anything. That I didn't deserve what is happening & I'm a pretty hard person to not like.
Yes, if you were wondering, I do listen. My hearing isn't fantastic, my memory randomly sucks balls & my mind is often running in 10 different directions, so not everything filters through. But I do try to listen.
I'm not good at giving 100 % to any one thing, it's true, I'll admit it. It's just how I am, just part of who I am.

Fact is that I've gotten less shy & more confident, my clothing style has changed with what's available & what I can afford at the time, my attitude & vocabulary have changed with my knowledge... but I am still the same weirdo that I've always been. I haven't changed that much. I'm good with that. I know I'll get through this and figure something better out.

No Plans!

It's my motto for a reason.
No Plans!!!
This started over 10 years ago while I was traveling through Europe.  On our travels my friend Will and I adopted this motto. We learned real quick that if you planned for something you had a high chance of  being disappointed when it fell through, but more importantly of possibly missing out on something even better. We found ourselves both saying it out loud quite often, so that it sort of turned into a mantra.

Don't get me wrong... have guidelines, hopes and/or ideas of where you'd like things to go or end up.
But nothing can be, nor should it be, set in stone. You've got to leave you're options open and not get down when things change or don't turn out the way you expected.

You just never know what may be around the corner, who may be there to lend you a hand & show you a different direction, or how you may lose out on something only to get something better... The list goes on.
I've learned this both the hard way & in the best ways possible.

I was reminded of this again yesterday when I found out that I'll need to start looking for a new job soon. So be it, this isn't where I expected to be forever. 2 + years is not a bad stint.

No Plans!

A few fitting quotes I found...

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable." ~Wendy Wasserstein

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~ Michael Landon

"Well, for us, it's always better not to have too many expectations and to just go with the flow because then it's always a big plus no matter what happens." ~Ville Valo

Switch out the word 'book' with 'life' (well it works for part of it)....
"Few people ask from books what books can give us. Most commonly we come to books with blurred and divided minds, asking of fiction that it shall be true, of poetry that it shall be false, of biography that it shall be flattering, of history that it shall enforce our own prejudices. If we could banish all such preconceptions when we read, that would be an admirable beginning."
— Virginia Woolf

The following is only half-right, but still a good read. (I think the world has more than we can ever hope for, but it rarely gives us what we want)...
"When we pick up the newspaper at breakfast, we expect - we even demand - that it brings us momentous events since the night before...We expect our two-week vacations to be romantic, exotic, cheap, and effortless..We expect anything and everything. We expect the contradictory and the impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious; luxurious cars which are economical. We expect to be rich and charitable, powerful and merciful, active and reflective, kind and competitive. We expect to be inspired by mediocre appeals for excellence, to be made literate by illiterate appeals for literacy...to go to 'a church of our choice' and yet feel its guiding power over us, to revere God and to be God. Never have people been more the masters of their environment. Yet never has a people felt more deceived and disappointed. For never has a people expected so much more than the world could offer."
— Daniel J. Boorstin

"[T]he experience of mystery comes not from expecting it but through yielding all your programs, because your programs are based on fear and desire. Drop them and the radiance comes. (16)"
— Joseph Campbell (Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor)

"Nowadays, I dont have expectations, and this way she beats them all."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” ~ Gestalt prayer

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have”
Stephen Hawking quotes (English Physicist, b.1942)

These two kind of go against what I'm saying, but not really...

"If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed.
Apart from a few starry-eyed poets or monks living on a mountaintop somewhere, however, we all have expectations. We not only have them, we need them. They fuel our dreams, our hopes, and our lives like some super-caffeinated energy drink."
— Tonya Hurley (Homecoming)

"Excellence is the Result of Caring more than others think is Wise, Risking more than others think is Safe, Dreaming more than others think is Practical, and Expecting more than others think is Possible."
— Ronnie Oldham

What I am in a glimpse...

Yes it’s true, I apologize too much

Except when it’s socially correct

I stare off into space and go away

To who knows where for periods of time

And when I get back I say strange things

That usually make sense, to me at least

Though sometimes to no one at all

I give too much of myself & settle in too quickly

Yet hold pieces of myself from everyone

I run away all the time, in my mind

But always come back or find somewhere

Else to go

You think you know me so well

But believe me when I tell you that you don’t

Though you may know me better than myself

My quirks are many
I giggle at odd moments or stay oddly silent
Seem far more serious than I ever am
Obsess on silly things & distract easily
I talk too much and interrupt

I rarely say what I really mean
Though I never intentionally lie or hide
Well sometimes

But because it’s safer for both you and I

That way 

I have trouble finding the right words

And I’m never on time

I know things will go wrong

But believe they’ll work out in the end

I’m overly polite, kind and compassionate

Yet part of me doesn’t fucking care at all

If you stay a while I’ll probably drive you away

But maybe we’ll find a space that we’re

Both comfortable with

A certain pleasant mix of solitude and together

An unset and not unsettling schedule

I do believe anything is possible

I just don’t believe that a lot of things are likely

To happen, just because they can or could

If you ask me I’ll likely remember the answer

Hours later after you’ve fallen asleep

Or tell you something close enough to the truth

If you walk away I’ll want you to stay

If you stay I’ll walk away or stay too long

I can try harder to do more and will

But for now these are the words I have

The accomplishments I have managed

And as disappointing as they may seem at times

They are enough, as am I

Don’t put me on a pedestal and I won’t spit on you

Don’t spit on me or ignore me and you may

Find I’m worth having by your side

I need my own time & space as do you

Sometimes neither will ever be enough

Or far too painfully much

Sometimes it will be seemingly perfect

Either way, as fucked up as it can get

It is what it is and I am who I am

And I'm tired of apologizing for that

Of making excuses for not being good enough

Or cool enough to know what band is on the radio

Or who invented what or to care what the reasoning is

Behind it all, it is what it is

I am who I am

I may never be satisfied with that and that's life

But if you're not, then do me a favor and walk away

Sooner than later

Because I may work to better my faults

But you have no more right to try to change me

Then I do to try to change you

If I try to then I do apologize, I never meant to

Grey Matter Parasites

I have to stay busy you know

To keep the synapses active in my brain

Then their electrical impulses can zap

The hungry worms that move around

The grey matter that try to gobble up

All my good memories and tangle things up

Creating thoughts of confusion and paranoia

Can’t pause for too long

Lest they eat up the day that we made plans

For tomorrow & laughed about yesterday

Sometimes I even think I can hear the crunching

That they make as they make snacks of my thoughts

But then it’s just the neighbors next door

Sometimes I think I can hear them slithering

As they move between my imagination and reason

But it’s just the wind picking up outside

If I stay busy I think they’ll stay away

From the color of your eyes

And what I was supposed to get done today

Personality Riddles - 1

So what am I

A turtle dove with clipped wings in the wrong season

A child with far too much reason filling her brain

A mass murderer who won’t even kill a fly

A person who forgot the answers to why & why not

Standing on the edge of reason and wanting to jump

A laugh at an awkward moment

A song with lyrics that make no sense but sound good anyway

A riddle with no answer because no one wants to guess

A maid with no house to clean but a dirty mind

A moment that lasts too long but not long enough

Depending on the day and who is nearby

I am so many different things

Yet still nothing more than me

Not wanting to wait...

Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you

Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you can’t find the time

To tell me Hi every once in a while

Guess it seems silly to you and maybe it is

Seems silly to me that I care, that I wonder, or let it bother me

Believe me I wish I could shut that part of my brain off

Get myself to understand that one does not have to do

With the other, that not calling, is not the same as not caring

I know the truth, but my mind still creates imaginary

Scenarios in which the world is lopsided and I’m on the

Narrow side unable to see or be a part of the rest of things

Does this make sense?

Just as well I don’t understand it myself

What gives you the right to go on living and doing

Things without involving me

What makes me want to be involved when I want to

Live my own life

Why do I ask for things I do not want?

Why is this not good enough and if it isn’t

Why can’t I just walk away?

Maybe it’s more than I want, it’s certainly

Not what I asked for, but then that’s serendipity

I want you to tell me, let me in on the secrets

You seem to be hiding

But I don’t want to you change or have to say

A thing you don’t want to

What is it we need and will it ever be enough

I can’t seem to feed this empty confused place

That lives inside of me like a black hole in my belly

Yet every so often it’s simply satisfied and

I don’t know what to do with myself

But smile or giggle and give you a strange look

Just so you know I refuse to wait by the phone

But I would like it if you called at some point

Though if you do I might not answer anyway

Trying to figure it out...

I have given up on a great many things
But never really on you or on me
I have pretended to be less than I am
But part of me has always known who I am
And who I can be, no matter the doubts seen
I have said more than I meant to
More than I should have said to
You or anyone else, stepped over the edge
Again and again, passed the norms of expected
Actions from everyday social interaction
Overstepped my bounds & said too much
Overstayed my welcome or walked away too soon
I can't really say which is the truth
Which was the case in the fitting situation
If I had gone to far or not far enough
Said too much or not enough
I haven't got it all figured out and won't
Pretend that I do nor act the idiot
That will play along with the games
That others want to set up for me
Like I'm some lame duck
Willing to follow along without questioning
What has been said to me & my friends

Game of life

Our lives aren't scripted like the movies
We can try to plan our our moves out
Try to figure out what to say
And how it's all going to play out
But we don't get the audience's
All knowing perspective
The dice fall where their meant to
Not where we want them to
There is no perfect time or right words
Even if you play all the right chords
It won't sound right if it seems forced

Que Sera Sera

It is what it is
Or in this case
It is what it isn't
Either way, no point
On worrying about it
No rhyme or reason
Sometimes for the way
Things work out
That's how it seems
To be to me at times
You have to read between
The pauses and lines
But will you glean
What they want to say
But aren't willing to
Or just what you want
To hear them say
It is what it is
Or in some cases
It is what it isn't
No point in over thinking
What you can't change
Or fretting about what
Has already come to pass
Got to find your own way
Of looking at things
Knowing whatever will be,
Shall be

Off Kilter...

Sorry if I put you off kilter

It seems that I have no filter

When I’m around you

I say what I mean to

And do what I want to

But I guess I did hesitate a bit

Just trying not to make

The mistake of rushing

Things with you & ruining

What could be

Whatever that may be

I like you its true

I can’t help it or hide it

Nor to I want to

You say you may not be ready

But don’t want to scare me away

Because you like me too

Well I’m in no hurry

Nor am I that timid

Honestly I lead a pretty busy

And full life already

With plenty of friends and family

I’m not sure how much of that

I am ready to share with anybody

Just yet

I think that eventually

I’d like to share it all with you

I suppose that time will tell

Where we shall end up being

But I’m also not willing

To waste my time worrying

About the future

About what may or not be

Only way I can think to say it is

I don’t want to run to you

Nor do I want to walk away

I want to be with you

Just not everyday, not just yet

For us to have breathing room

To be ourselves and learn

About each other more

I actually like that we

Make each other nervous

It’s a good sign of attraction

With just enough reservation

To not be too foolish

To play it a bit cool

And take our time

It’s not like I know

What tomorrow holds

Slightly buzzed frustrations...

Procrastination & Frustration

So many times I’ve quit

Before I’ve really tried

Don’t ask me the reasons

I have no answers why

Apparently I’ve accomplished enough

That I seem a failure only to myself

This constant state of self sabotage

And continuing to deny myself

What I want for no better reason

Than it doesn’t seem the right season

Not the right time to reach

For what may be within my grasp

Letting too much time lapse

Though I know deep within

That no time is perfect indeed

All we can do is hope & plan

For tomorrow, planting a seed

For what may in fact be

And make the best of today

Yet believing doesn’t change the way

That I end up living this day no matter

What I may know or understand

Yet for all of my crazy dark words

On my feet I do usually land

And if I wobble or fall then a friend

Is not very far with a hand to lend

My mind racing with ideas

But no actual direction nor

Determination to proceed

I feel like it’s just out of reach

But maybe I’m just not

Willing to take a leap

It’s a sad pathetic excuse

When falling is not the

Worst possibility out there

Stagnation 

Strange feeling like I can

Do anything but not knowing

What way to go and then

Ending up spinning out of control

Or facing the fork in the road

Only to return the way I came

Choosing to go the road I know

Knowing neither path would be wrong

Being lost is not nearly so bad

As being stagnant and learning nothing

Cola 

If a soda isn’t enjoyed chilled

Out of the can in a slightly calm state

There’s only two ways it can go

Shaken it looses all it’s fizz

In an explosive depriving burst

Or it sits and sadly it just dissipates

Both outcomes are an awful fate

The words...

I've written it down in my little black book
Now the thoughts they aren't gnawing away
At the back of my brain finding little nooks
And crannies to settle into and fester away
I grabbed a pen like a nice sharp hook
And scraped them away along the white paper
The words have a certain magic and work
Much better when they are not stuck in the grey matter

Saying Good Night...

Been forever since I saw you last
How can it feel like yesterday
When I've forgotten so many things that have past
Know I never knew you that way
Not much further than hello how's your day
The time went by too damn fast
Can't help that I don't want to see you go
Even for a just a few days
What happens if I blink, do you know
I do, I might forget the way
It was when you made me smile
Fuck if I even remember your name
I'm doing good these days
The memories continue to pile
Up in so many stacks yet theres no way
I get to pick which ones I get to keep
People are the same exact way
So I can't help it if I want you to stay
Sure I can pretend I don't & just sleep
Ignore it and wish it all away
Not like I haven't lost others along the way
Or that I may not see you another day
That I'll be busy tomorrow anyway
That I've got things to do myself for myself
Still doesn't mean I should pretend
I want you to walk away or that it's the unselfish
Thing to do to hide what I want instead
Fuck if I know the right thing to say
At a any typical time and I've already said
Too damn much but not enough to make
You understand why I looked away
No matter what I do I keep making the same mistake
Whether I'm holding too tight and saying too much
Or ignoring everything and waiting, being fake
Not being myself, it's all the same such bullshit
It's always too soon or too late
Yet today seems a bit different
Maybe I'll have a bit of luck and fate
Will smile on me for another day
Because I don't care anymore about what's waiting
For me tomorrow or what titles we use or the way
That yesterday had to end
I know I'll see you some other day
So for now I'm going to go my own way

Make the most of today...

Forgotten nights & forgotten dreams
Lay by the bedside as I wake
But today I leave my regrets
With them as well to dissipate
With the morning dew
Time to stop procrastinating
I have things to do
Stories and verses to write
Plans to make for today
For tomorrow
No more waiting for later
Or blaming my lethargy on
Days that haven't gone the way
I would have hoped
Of memories I'd rather forget
Or times I've lost
Nights I can't remember
Or even the ones I couldn't
Make last longer
I can't say my regrets
Will be gone from me truly
I still carry their weight a bit
Though they are not the same
Anchor weighing me down
Like me they have changed
They are my jacket that keeps
Me warm on cold nights
A reminder of times survived
Of laughter had and ahead
I may remember the strangest things
Then forget your name
But for today at least
I will not dwell on these things
Having no shame
I'll go with the flow
Play the cards I'm dealt
But keep a two of spades
Up my sleeve just in case
I'm gonna make the most of
This day
Try not to waste
Another moment on worry
Of what may be
Just make the most of today

Writing Poetry, so often what I do when I should be doing other things...

I'm avoiding homework again
Can't seem to explain why
Just how it is w/ my current
Lack of determination
It's been a frustrating semester
Mostly outside of the one class I'm taking
Many a great time had during the last few months
But also a lot of not feeling well
Of being stressed at work
And confused about what I'm doing
When I say "what", I do mean all of it
Work, home, hobbies, and my time
If I should be doing other things
or doing the same things differently
But again most of that has paled to
Time spent w/ friends & family
and what I have managed to accomplish
So though days like this are heavy and strange
They are the minority, luckily, and I'm working
On remembering that and not focusing on it
Instead concentrating on the better sides
The productive &/or fun stuff

Procrastination
I sit and wait
Like the book
Will open itself
The pencil will move
Of it's own accord.
There is work to be done
Assignments to be completed
Yet I'd rather write about the waves
Then concentrate on my studies
Read about others adventures
Than face my own chores
This is normal I know
To avoid the things we'd
Rather not do
Just as I know
That I need to push through
Find the motivation
So I may enjoy the satisfaction
Of marking another task
Off my to do list
Maybe even find I enjoy it
Once I dive in
Reading odd tales
Running random errands
Writing strange exercises
And being able to say that I
Put in the time & effort needed
Without failing myself or anyone else
So off the computer goes
For now, while I redirect my focus
And do what needs to be done

Frustrations and Fantasies...

Hate that my blog started turning into a journal about resolutions made, then resolutions not kept. To quote my supervisor... "Whatever!" She says that might be one her tombstone, if she has one. My favorite of hers is "I'm so scattered, but such a genius."

Another day not being able to concentrate at work, so many things I'd rather do or places I'd rather be...

These days I wade through
The piles of endless paperwork
And seemingly foolish dreams
I refuse to give in to feeling blue
No matter how hopeless it seems
I will find a shiny bit among the craziness
To urge myself forward and stay
True to myself always
Though in this quotidian world
I must live
For at least four days a week
Of my time only must I give
Into this routine
While my heart will still seek
Something to believe in
To smile about
Even in the darkest nights
Even during the days
That seem to wear me down
Make me want to pull my hair out
To just walk away into the sunset
Leaving everything behind
Even in those moments I can find
Or remember what it's worth
To push forward till better times


For a story I'm writing:

Like treasure sunken in the sea
She hides her secrets
Within her soul
There are some indeed
That should be left
Within their hold
To sleep hidden in the deep
While others must be dredged up
If she is ever to be free
No more pretending, no more lying
No more trying to be something else
Instead believing in herself for once
In what she's seen and done
In what she can be and do

Also for my story, sort of...

The sea gives and the sea takes
It transforms and it destroys
In it's waters it tests us and makes
Us prove ourselves
Strength is great and saves some
But you must bend to the waves
Or you shall be broken by them
If you listen
Her tides will guide you
If you disregard her
She will capsize you
No matter where you are
The oceans' song will not be far
Her voice reaches into our hearts
Whether near the shore or deep
In the city we can hear the roar
And crash that is a calming lullaby
For some and to others
A call to seek adventure and danger
Whether it sooths or excites the mind
Many can not be far from it or find
They grieve for it day and night
For the sea, she is relentless
Though if we listen she teaches us...

Journal Entry, Here I am...

Online Journal Entry

So I have thus failed at most of my New Years Resolutions. What are they really? Rules made to be broken or guidelines to push us and succeed by? Or, as is so common with me, a mixture of both.

No I haven't written each day. I have been writing more in the last few months than possibly in the last 5 years. Well, there was that burst at the beginning of the year before. So maybe I've written more in the last year or two than I had in ten. Either way, I still mean to keep a journal and work on trying to write nearly everyday and get some stories written.
A means to an end: I have gone back to school. It's sounds funny that way, I'm just taking one class. I'm in my third week of Fundamentals of Fiction.
Already I've gone through a comedy of errors, as is my way, to state it simply and quite honestly. If I said I didn't like it I'd always be at least half lying... because maybe my teacher is right, stories need conflict.
So the book I ordered though Amazon has been traveling around the US more than I have since I was 14. It first went from Chicago to New Jersey (hey my dad was born there, somewhere), then to Carson City and arrived in San Diego. After over a week of waiting I was like "finally it's here".
Ah, to no avail... it somehow was shipped out to New York where it did some sightseeing (or resting in the postal office confused) to be shipped back to San Diego many days later. I am still waiting & hoping it will arrive. I have since bought a book at the used bookseller for twice as much, that I have to return today if I hope to get my money back. Oh yes, in the middle I am still sick, stressed out by work, and getting frustrated by it all. Yet I have this desire to create and this almost disgustingly warm fuzzy internal feeling of optimism that I'm doing the right things for the most part, that I'll get better, get out have fun, stay in write or paint, and it will all work out. The only problem is know which way to go now. Stay in bed & hope that will rid me of infection. Pull out the table & a craft project. Go hang out with friends. Go to work and slosh through the paperwork, scheduling & phone calls. Or sit in front of the computer & write.
Well whatever the order... here I am...
I'm not staring aimlessly into a TV or a blank page (or screen) welling up with depression & regret. I'm moving forward. Um, yes, I did get caught up on two TV show episodes earlier, but I was also eating breakfast, drinking tea & taking my vitamins. Ah the life right... LOL
None the less... as I said, Here I Am... moving forward, not yet where I want to be maybe but where I need to be & oddly happy about it, all things considered.

Now...

New Years Begins...

Big decisions made 

The voucher is now paid

A bit more debt collected

My thoughts dissected

Over and over again

Finally I conclude to abstain

From weighing the pros and cons

No matter I have done tons

Of research, thought about it enough

Isn't it the time to sluff

Off worries & fears 

It is a New Year

Some things will indeed change 

Almost overnight as strange 

And impossible as it may seem

Others will be like a planted seed

That sits in the ground unseen

When you can not tell if anything 

Is happening because it is nothing

But slow progression and yet

It is indeed a movement and can set

So many things in motion

A sentence here or there or a notion

Of confidence growing stronger

As a paragraph becomes a page

Soon so many fears are no longer

Such a worry to you

Little things can change a blue 

Sort of day around and before you 

Know it it's an amazing year

Rain may be falling but the sky will clear

I will see it like never before soon

The shinning stars & bright moon

The beauty of sunset before nightfall

I'll share them all with you all

As well as the words that fall

From inspiration to my hands

A good lesson from the past stands

Amongst bad memories that great 

Things come not because we wait

Or rush through things, but from believing

In ourselves and following our hearts

So, I've decided to get Lasik. 

Also, that I'm not yet going to try to regiment my time for writing. I had this idea to try to schedule certain times of day. I may still. It seems so hard to get myself to sit and plug away at finishing stories I've started. I'm tired of them having beginnings and no endings. Also I decided that my whole thing of writing every day is not exclusive to the blog. So I am not going to try to get myself to blog everyday. As this is a creative outlet for me and I don't want it to turn into some weird personal diary that I share with the world. The stories I have started, those that aren't just in my head, they are on my computer already. So days I work on them I probably won't add anything here. I know this is seeming pretty diary like, but eh whatever. Point is that I am working on making some changes, or at least continuing some things I've started. I am okay if some of that change/progression happens slowly and some of it fast. It's not that I'm not looking for balance, just trying not to force things too much, nor let my self get stagnant ever again.

Other than this cold... I think I'm off to a pretty grand start. :)

It's a New Year & A New Day...

Lot's of rest, a good movie, part of a good book & some great music. A quiet New Years Day, still trying to get rid of a cold. Lot's of tea, water & relaxing. Yes, it's late. I can't seem to help it even with a cold & chamomile tea. Just can't seem to get myself to go to bed before midnight these days, let alone 1-2am. I need to work on that I suppose to make work days easier & fight future colds. They do say one does better with more sleep. You see... tomorrow I can sleep in & the day after too, that's part of what makes it so hard because then Tuesday morning will come & I have to get up & go to work. I'll do it & be nearly on time...
Anyway I'm rambling & it's late so I'll get to the point, even with this damned cold & being limited by it;
It's still been a good day.
With a bit of determination to take care of myself first & then work on some goals, I'll get over this cold & soon be starting this year right... it's gonna be great.
I know staying up so late is maybe not the best start, but eh Rome wasn't built in a day & I'm not going to change over night. Some habits die hard, what can I say... but I'll work on setting back the clock an hour or two if ya know what I mean, for my health. In other words -
I add one more New Years resolution: I'll work on getting to bed before midnight so I can get more sleep. Except on the days where it's worth it of course. ;)

In a way I suppose I have
Already failed on my resolution
To write each day to pave the way
To sharing my stories & a solution
Of sorts to abating some of my fears
That is, if I considered midnight the transition
Point to the next day
Technically yes it's tomorrow and I did not
Write a word yesterday
Unless you count emails & texts
But nothing creative, not yet
The fact is I don't consider it the next
Day until morning & that time
In my opinion does not start
Till the light of dawn approaches
Night is marked by darkness
Though truly I should try harder
To get to bed sooner
To have all the things I mean to do
Done long before this late hour
If indeed I also I wish to
Get enough sleep & be well
So either way I have now written
A few arbitrary words to quell
The urge that has bitten me
To keep this promise you see
Don't worry I shall
Try to get started earlier on
Now I bid you Good Night
& Sweet Dreams my friend

Oh, one last observation before I go: I've noticed I'm not used to doing anything with out music on, or the TV, though mostly music. The only time I'm with out any kind of back ground noise, the good kind of course & not the stuff you can help, is sometimes when I write to make it easier to concentrate on my own thoughts & when I sleep. Other wise I prefer there to be some music in the back ground. Especially if I'm cleaning, I'm so much more productive w/ a beat going.
With that last thought I bid you adieu. :)