New Years Resolutions...

Continue to keep promises made to myself:
Take care of myself above all else.
Don't let anyone else's negativity bring me down.
Find ways to help the world around me with out sacrificing anything of myself but my time.
Sharing my love only with those who will return it, but sharing kindness even with those who won't.
Just fuckin' have fun and smile, damn the hard times or colds... they won't bring me down (at least not for long).

Last year I set a few goals, some consciously some not quite so, and I managed to achieve most of them:

• I got rid of a weight holding me back & down (projected white light, as my mom would say, that he finds his way some day) and I moved on.
• I got out & hung out w/ my friends more, went to some truly epic fun events. 
• Made new friends, cemented old & new relationships into stronger ones & reconnected with lost friends. 
• Got back into photography more but made sure that I was in some of them this time. That I won't be a photographer outside the circle, hovering with out being part of it. And I have plenty of fun pictures now to share with friends, family & even maybe get invited to the playboy mansion. Don't know why I want to go, I am totally heterosexual, but it's just the epitome of Hollywood, it's like the Graceland of Hollywood I think. 
• I got into dancing into exercising more & really loved it. 
• Got into costuming and made a couple of really cool costumes w/ tons & tons of help from my mom.

This year:
Just more of the same really, plus a bit ...

• Continue to not worry bout being single, my romance, or many romances will come my way when I ain't looking for it. You know watch pots don't boil. Haha. Don't you love my mixing of bad English and strange analogies? Well I do!!!
• Keep exercising - I totally slacked off the last few months of this year. There were many reasons, but dammit I liked it when my stomach looked as good when I sat down & when I just felt more fit. Which is really what it's about, I don't care if I lose 20 lbs or only 5lbs, but I do want to feel fine when I walk up a few flights of stairs or hike up a hill.
• Find time to go to fun events, spending time w/ friends and family & taking time for myself too. 
• Find a balance between going out & taking care of my health. Though this one, I'm only so dedicated to - I'm only 33 & not settled down & believe in everything in moderation including moderation. So some days anything goes & that's just the way it is!
• Figure out & maintain this allergy stuff so it doesn't hold me back!
• Plan & go on a couple of longer farther away trips... specifically Hawaii, Vegas, N. Cal including SF & SC, Arizona & later in the year Florida to see my baby great niece. If all of these doesn't happen next year, that's fine. However, I mean to have most of them happen. Depends on a few things of course... if we get our bonus at work, how good my tax return is & if I decide to get Lasek Surgery and if that really puts me in too tight a spot financially. I really really want to not wear glasses & would sacrifice a few of those trips for that. Just have to decide that I think it's safe & if it is then it's an investment in my future. So... hmmm, this one is definitely a work in progress, as they all are. Oh & Italy in 1-1 1/2 yrs.
• Learn to sew.
• Finish my mom's complicated but awesome Christmas present in the next month. I did not have time to finish it on time, but I got a couple of good replacements gifts to give her & to buy me some time. 
• Work on being more focused when I'm work, it may be a 60%+ desk job & not what I want to do for my whole life, but I can't let that deter me from putting in at least 90-104% while I'm there because I'm damn lucky to have a job right now that treats me so well.

• Okay now here's the BIGGY, that one that's really important to me right now, though they really all are, but this is one I've said I'd do for years now and keep putting off. This blog is a step in the right direction & I have a few other ideas going... START WRITING EVERYDAY (at least 6 out of 7 days a week, aren't I so determined, hah!) Really I want to get down to it, it's one thing that's always made me feel better when I'm blue, or frustrated, or have The Mean Reds (if you don't know what they are you NEED to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's). I've had some good story ideas in my head for ages but not the guts to get them written down, because they don't seem do come out right when I write them out. But dammit I've got to stop acting like I'm going to get it right the first time and stop being afraid. So whether if it's poetry or just silly stuff that's gone on during the day, I just want to get myself to write everyday. So soon I can get past those idiotic fears that I can't help but I can fight & I will indeed flesh out those stories & find my way to more. 
• Part II of the writing more is that I will redo my photo from my trip to Europe (it was damaged in a broken fish tank incident) & in the process will write a blog on the adventures & crazy times had while away. Firelight Fiction Travel Tales coming soon!!!

Alright time to dry my hair and ditch this Popsicle stand. I'm still sniffly from my latest sinus infection but I refuse to stay in the house alone on New Years Eve. I just won't go be crazy, not tonight at least. Ally is being sweet right now too... laying next to me on the couch with her head on my lap, makes it hard to get up and get ready when she's being so cute. Cats can be so stand offish at times it's nice when they show they're needy but not greedy side. She probably knows I'm ditching her soon. But I'll be home in the morning & the kitties will be fine while I'm away.

Happy New Years!!! May 2011 bring some truly wonderful experiences & very few stressful situations.  

Fighting a cold & feeding my soul

I have this oddball obsession with spirals
No you don't have worry it's not viral
I keep getting a this darn cold
Still I'm not ready to give up & fold
Give me a crazy idea & I'm sold
Yet I can't seem to decide on anything
So don't bother offering me a ring
Unless it's made of hard candy
One of raspberry would be dandy
Then my tongue would be red
Instead of pink a color I dread
Just passing time playing with words
Like kids slaying each other with fake swords
Sometimes we have to find any way
To have some fun while the sun is away
Stuck inside while the wind whips wildly
Strange weather is putting it mildly
The sort that puts one in the oddest of moods
Makes you think of getting lost in the woods
Or trying to sate your appetite with weird foods
Of adventures far away where nothing
Looks the same and there's always something
New to do or see in places far away
Though sometimes it can be nice to stay
In one place and enjoy quiet moments of nothing
Thinking of all the places you could be
The people you could meet and things to see
And not having to be anywhere but home relaxing
Writing silly words and listing to the wind whipping
Outside and being warm inside and being able
To smile at silly thoughts & dreaming up a fable
About someone somewhere who feels perfectly fine
After a bit of rest that story will soon be mine

Been a while...

Time has flown by so fast again

I know it's no excuse, no reason

Not for me to say I had 

Any right to not write you before now

To let another season pass

It's always what I've said in the past

Empty excuses & small white lies followed

By empty sorrow for time past 

With out your presence 

Whether of body or voice or heart

We live our lives like bees or dragonflies

So busy & so used to buzzing about 

That we don't know how to stop 

To just enjoy each other while we can

I can only be who I am & I've ran 

From myself plenty of times before

It gets me nowhere - but in messy circles

I can cross my heart with threat of 

Poked out eyes

 That I will stop

 To say Hi

I will try to pause to look at the stars 

To look at your face and remember your eyes

Their color
Maybe even the words 

Written in them, those that float up from your soul

Your expression and the graceful way you say certain things

Or the silly stuff you do when you think

No one is looking

I can promise, but I am me & a crazy fool 

Most days of the week

To my friends patiently awaiting the stork...

Babies come when they’re ready
People go when it's time
The world can be f'd up & crazy
But I know things will turn out fine
As an optimist I stay steady
And in the darkest hours of night
I believe, though it’s not always easy,
That good times are just out of sight

If they’re not here already

Just like switching on a light

Things can change instantly

Fight for what is right &

Enjoy every moment you can

With carefree delight  

A Facebook repost: 25 Random Things About Me...

(Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.)

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)(Side note: Ack, it was hard for me to figure out 25 people to pester with this, because it's sort of like a chain letter and I hate those... but this is more fun, although I know it's like those silly stupid addictive surveys that were so popular on Myspace. Also, technically it's well more than 25 that I posted really.)

1. I'm very good at procrastinating. 2 good examples: James sent me this, or tagged me or however, to do this back in June, 4 months ago. Also, I should be working on a stupid conference list/schedule at work and have to get it done today, but I'm doing this instead because it was putting me to sleep. Soon, really. (Actually, I finally finished the Conference Schedule instead of this, and a week later... here we are... LOL)

2. I used to speak my own language, only a few people understood it. I had to unlearn it because one idiot teacher thought I was retarded. Some of my own words are still in my vocabulary. 

3. There is a mental condition named after me or having to do with me that is: Tuiosis ~ the state of confusion brought on by being in the presence of Tui. (my friend Josh C. was the first one diagnosed)

4. I can't pick favorites. Color ~ black or jewel tones, not pastel - yuck. Ask me 1 favorite and 3-5 always pop in my head to say of almost anything. It all depends on my mood or the day of the week. Often times if it's and either/or question I want to say both, all of the above, or none.

5. As a child I was a triple threat ~ to myself. I tripped over my own feet, had a speech impediment, and a unique name.

6. I have lots of collections. Mostly stuff for crafts, but also pictures, little figures of fantasy creatures, small bottles... I even collect people, but don't worry I only keep the rocks and shells in boxes, my friends come and go as they please. 

7. When I'm excited, drunk or really nervous I tend to babble. Sometimes even when I'm bored

8. I write stories, poems, random thoughts for fun or to help me get through stress. Unfortunately I suck at writing letters and keeping up correspondence with friends and family and have lost touch w/ many people because of it. 

9. Photography is one of my great loves. Movies and music too.   

10. Apparently I have a very unique style of dancing that makes it easy to spot me on a dance floor. I love to dance, but I can't seem to help doing it to my own rhythm. One day I'll learn to count the beat and hit it. I want to get better at belly dancing, learn swing again, and a few other styles too like the foxtrot (that one just sounds cool).

11.  I miss traveling very much. I once saved my pennies and spent over 4 months in Europe traveling through 8 countries. About the best thing I've ever done. I've decided to start a blog soon to chronicle my past travels to inspire myself (and others) to save and prep for another big adventure. 

12. My friend Greg told me I attract randomness, he's right, I like variety and strange things happen around me and to me all the time. I've also been told that Trouble should be my middle name, so true... ;)

13. I have horrible taste in guys to date. 

14. My style is somewhere between So. Cal beach girl, punk rocker, shabby chic, gypsy and retro with a smidgen of biz casz. I've been told it's called BoHo, but that's about the ickyist term ever.

15. Being creative runs in my family, my mom especially is a fantastic artist and works in almost every medium.  http://www.pheemcfaddell.com/   ~ my mom's website

Though I strongly believe everyone is creative in some way or at least has the ability. I do a few artsy/crafty things myself incl. wood burning, collaging stuff like suitcases, drawing and am learning to design and make costumes. 

16. My birthday falls on Thanksgiving about every seven years. 

17. I suck at pop trivia, balancing on anything but my own feet, can't hold a tune, am horribly forgetful... 

18. Bubbles and fireworks still fascinate me.

19.  I'm always running late but hate to be rushed. Though I admit I do need a push every so often.

20. Love being near the water, oceans or streams, but I'm cursed w/ water problems at home. I've had so many weird roof leaks and water heater problems it's amazing, think they're finally over now that I'm in my new place.

21. They really do need to invent a time traveling device, forcefields and teleporters. Just think of the things we could do. Time traveling would just be epic fun and you could learn so much. Forcefields bring infinite possibilities from keeping your cat out of the closet to stopping fights or even wars. Just think of the gas you'd save if you had a teleporter, and I wouldn't be late so much!

22. I would love to be able to visit the roaring 20s, Hollywood when it was known for glamour, Ireland when it was still covered w/ forests, Victorian London, Italy during the Renaissance... many time periods & places. But I'm so glad I live now and not then.

23.   I used to think I was afraid of heights, but then I learned I'm really afraid of falling. I can barely stand rock climbing or being on a ladder but I have no problem on a plane or tall building. I do love roller coasters and am seriously thinking of going skydiving.

24. My answer to what superpower I would have is usually telekinesis, but then I wonder if it wouldn't make me horribly lazy. My favorite of the X-men was always Rogue, followed by Gambit and Psylocke. 

25. My unique name: my parents threw coins to get it from a book called the I Ching which says my name essentially means Youngest Daughter & Joyous Lake, I am the youngest of 6 kids and born near Cuyamacca Lake. It's also the name of a Bird and a Beer in New Zealand and a Fish in N.W. US

lost time...

I feel like I just woke up
From a coma that lasted years
That I've been recovering from
My mind and body being nearly
Dormant for so very long
I'm looking back at all the time
Wasted and try to remember I'm strong
For just having gotten through fine
But I'm so angry with myself
Somedays for what I helped happen
Like a drug induced over dose
I said yes instead of no
I stayed there don't you see
I should have walked away long ago
Now I have all this time to look
Back on, and try to tell my self
No regrets, to put it on the shelf
All that hate along with the book
Full of lies given to me long ago
Light a box of matches, throw it back
Watch it burn up in ash and smoke
Then turn around and never look back
I feel like I've missed something
Sometimes, usually late at night
When I hear the songs others sing
About grand adventures and sights
But I know it's never too late
If I wake up tomorrow
I'm going to plan a trip, set a date
With wild abandon and kiss sorrow
A long bitter sweet farewell

Till that day...

Like Conan on his Throne
I wait here, mostly alone
It is not exactly what I chose
But it is better than being frozen
In some pathetic state of mind
Even if I had the choice I wouldn't rewind
My life to some so called better time
Thinking I could make it all in line
With some wishful thinking
To where things made sense
All the happy moments linking
Together to some better rememberence
Some remaking of reality that never was
With him still the knight shining as he never was
But seemed to be meant to be for all eternity
To shine on as a beacon of serenity
No, one day he'll be seen to all
As the fool that was meant to fall
Before you all, that time will eventually call
For now I wait silently knowing some may stall
What is to come, for that which has built the walls
They will soon fall, my voice will be heard
You may loom a bit far, but you'll hear my words
For my silence has gone on long enough now
and being true to my heart I will forever vow
I know the truth, there is not much more to say
But if I find another whose heart is true, I will never stray

At Midnight's hour I give in to your embrace...

Release of the heart like this is rare and scary...
The song calls quietly and sweetly, though
At this hour it calls in a manic kind of way
Although your story is short and sweet
We know how to disregard this stay
Of heart, to let it go as taught by
The grand persons that came before us
To know the stories but ignore them by and by
You know the key to sing my dear
Is there any more to care about really
I give you this bit of hope to hold on to
I ask you to hold on to it dearly
It may be all we have in these dark days
That may come, whether by our making
Or the bureaucracy of the mob mentality
To believe what the group wants us too
I tell you, I do not mean to stay and be
As they preached to us, in that way
To not see between the lines and be swayed
By the majority rule of what should be
Please take my hand, wrap your arms around
My heart, in the darkness of night I'll see
What you've been trying to tell me
That we can be free simply by believing
By being and living a free fun life...
That it is possible even in this crazy world
If you're here by my side...

A discrepant Oil Painting...

Mona Lisa, with her silent smile
Even thus she made great friends and
was remembered for an eternity,
hopefully she had a bit of fun whilst alive.
Worry not for her hidden smile,
she is but an 8 X 10 of what comes forward,
forever sense her demise,
but be not sad for her loss,
yet be glad for what you have to carry forward forever onward...

The Dance...

I am still reluctant you see
You might not understand
Though the flower may seem succulent
I am not the type that fans
A beauty's needs just by intuition
No, I have forgetten that gifted notion
Though given to me by my family
It was shunned by society
To understand what is wanted
When the tune is played just so
For me to know how a body
Wants to move to the tune
How to find the beat
Of the drum just so
Please know I am not ignoring
Your whim or wishes
Just following the beat
Of my own rhythm within
For it is all that I know
I am not meaning to be rude
Or in anyway to follow suit
To another fools ways
But find my own cadence

A moment remembered, a dance:

You completely devastated me
In the best kind of way
In the dance I was free
In that moment I wanted to stay
You could not change the distance
Nor how you felt about me
The music put us in a trance
It was enough to believe
That everything could be as it seemed
Nothing more was needed
Though in all honesty it was wanted
I gave you everything I had
In that very moment
It may not have been all of me
It was all I was able
Still you walked away
You had no choice
You could not stay
The music continues on
Do we find a way to stay strong
Do we find a way to get along
With each other in this struggle
Such is life, such is love
As a great philosopher once said
Unrequited love is the greatest of all
Unappreciated things,
And I will love you always for that dance....

What is it to be good?

Mercy and forgiveness, or just stupidity?
The tears running down my face now
Well they tell me that being bad would
Have been good
Not letting him walk away
Not trying to let it go
That's gone over so very well
What the fuck is wrong with me
That he can still get under my skin
And am I really the better person
For letting him walk way from it
For not letting him have it finally
For not telling him what an asshole
He is being or finally punching him
In the face, He deserves it
To be knocked out of his senses
Or maybe even into them

"Be Good"
My mom has gotten in the habit
Lately, I've noticed
Of saying for me to "be good"
I'm not really sure what that means
Not really, anymore, these days
Does my meaning fit up to hers
Does me living a full life
Mean not being good in some way
If so I don't want it honestly
Not that I want to hurt her or
Make her not like what I do
However I won't be what some
Old fashioned version of good
Used to be, I live in the here and now
I'm going to live the best I know how
That's just going to have to be good enough
For everyone involved

Maybe I'm being to harsh
I'm sure she's just trying to look out
For me, to remind me to do my best
To take care of myself and the rest
Shall fall into place
Good, like beauty, is in the eye
Of the beholder and we often mistake
What we want for what is right
Everyday a new decisions to make
Forever trying to find a happy
Medium between heart and brain
Between logic and emotion
What you must do is remain
True to yourself, not worry about resolution
Seek what you dream for and not be fake
Do you best to go with the flow
Try to think of obstacles and mistakes
As learning lessons and you'll show
Everyone that you're good, in your own way

After visiting a local Haunt...

Hmmm... Can I actually post something everyday and not have it be boring?
I suppose if it's just a few random and not overly detailed thoughts.... Not sure everyday is going to work. We shall see...

After Visiting a Local Haunt
Dead tired and heading to sleep soon.
Was out and about downtown
Watched Zombies and Ghouls
Though hallows eve is not yet
Upon us, indeed the actors
Put on a fine show filled with screams
Now I should have crashed ages ago
Though awake I am, my brain going
Wildly of things that breed dreams
That would scare anyone from the bed

So I wrote this a week ago... I was too tired to finish. So to answer the question I asked myself, no I can't post everyday. It's not a matter of whether it'd get boring, which if I did post every day it might. But instead that I simply am not able to post every day, it's just not how I work. Maybe nearly, almost everyday, sometimes more than once a day if I find the inspiration and the time. That is the magic combination indeed, the muse and timing.

Night Terrors
I keep my mind closed
For I fear what I might let out
Haven't you ever been afraid
Of the dark slivery dreams
That wake you from sleep
Screaming sweating and sitting
Straight up as if you are about to rush
Away from what felt so real
You look out into the darkness of
Mid Night and for a moment
Think yourself blind
Suck in your breath from the relentless
Fear that has gripped you and sent
You to a place that doesn't exist
But makes you glad for the daily
Grind and the happy day dreams
You can think up but not have
For that life as horrible as it seems
During the daylight is indeed
So much better than that darkness
That can get you when you try to rest
If you are haunted by nightmares

So often my ideas come when least convenient, usually when I'm driving and can't write. For some reason when I'm working on getting from point A to point B is when I'm distracted enough from life's worries, but have to be somewhat focused and can't completely space out, that's when my ideas seem to come the most. One of these days I'll think to have a recorder in the car. Till then I just have to hope to be lucky and remember the thoughts that pop into my head and race around it while the tires spin me home....

The previous bit popped into my head tonight on the way home and was inspired by movie promos for upcoming Halloween season themed movies (ie My Soul To Take and Let the Right One In)

All Hallows Eve...

Through the foggy eve at the edge of the forest
You hear the dark witch cackle
As green smoke rises and the fire crackles
Calmly a woman dressed in muted shades
Concentrates on white light as she makes
A salve for a wound and recites a prayer
Of healing at the edge of a lions lair
He's survived the summer heat of the Cali desert
But nearly not a old hunters six shooter
He was lost lonely and afraid
She knew he could not be blamed
The night plays tricks on us all
Listening you can hear the wolfs call
Is it man or creature or both, under the moon
Full it's golden face does not assume
Nor make judgement on those it watches
A little girl trying to sell boxes of matches
But no one can hear her or see her
She is but a chill and a shiver
Her ghostly pale skin is mistaken
For rays of the moons light as she is forsaken
Though there is at least one who has not forgotten
A mother or brother who will always remember
And a candle will be lit on the first of November
There are those that can no longer walk in the sun
For it burns their skin and they are forced to run
From it's warmth forever and those that must
Drink in metals or suffer their bodies turning to rust
Decaying away or choose to live for eternity
Yet scorned for lives marked by severity
For their moods often turn sharp and violent
Most do not understand the gifts they are sent
Hating them or taking them for granted
Some relish them far too greatly taking all wanted
Even when it is not earned, willing to spill blood
Many do not know what they can do till a flood
Of emotions changes their prospective in the heat
Of the moment, hopefully when such a feat
Occurs of bravery or stupidity or both, no one
Is hurt, but lives on even after the day is done
Through the darkness of night when the stars
Decide the fate of our lives from afar
Though they do not really care they just like to tell tall
Tales to each other, knowing they may be next to fall
We dance in the darkness in bright shades and make
Music so loud the dead can not sleep, celebrating a wake
For all those that have passed and no longer
Need to breath or sleep or fear or wander
Though there are some who can not rest
For them we save the wildest and craziest
Dreams and wishes for these become
Their bread and butter, their thread of hope
Till they find what they've been missing
And move on, no longer haunting the living or wishing
For an end

My Bucket List...

I have a bucket list of places I want to go...
This is my top 5...
Hawaii ~ to see my Aunt Patty, hang with my favorite Sister-in-law Denise & search out some beautiful waterfalls. Feel that hot sand and see those spiders and geekos I remember from when I was there when I was only four, also all the other wonderful things that the Islands have to offer...
Italy ~ The food may not be as good as France from what I've been told. However, to see the architecture, the art, the atmosphere... well I don't really know how to say it, but I have to go.
Scotland ~ for many reasons... some of my family was from there, it's beautiful and such, I have friends that were born there and a few that still live there, and I have a short story or maybe full on novel set there.
New Zealand ~ So many reasons but it all starts with the bird and ends with the beer... of course I'd love to see all the amazing landscape that changes rapidly throughout the areas, but really it has to do with my name initially. I really want to see and hear a Tui bird and go to the Tui Brewery, and have lots and lots of Tui lager and Tui Blonde!
New York City ~ However, with 2 special pre-requisites: to go with someone who knows the town and can show me around and w/ a ticket to a Broadway show. It was one thing to go alone to Ireland, I loved it and would do it again in a heartbeat, but to go to the big city ~ the Big Apple, well I just prefer to go with someone who knows the ins and outs of a place that's not so easy to figure out on ones own.

That's my Top Five, don't get me wrong... there are many more places I want to go, many many many more... but those were my top five...

There are many places in the states I want to see: Yosemite, the Carolinas or Maryland during the fall change, Chicago (particularly the underground),Colorado where my GG Grandparents first settled and I have the journal entries about their travels, Salem, MA and WA near the beach where my Uncle Jon lives to start with...

I also very much want to travel to India and many places in it, to go to Morocco, the wonderful all inclusive spot in Jamaica my sister went to, the Caribbean, China where I could find marble stamps with my name on it like my  grandmother did and learn about beautiful art and proverbs, any wonderful blue/green beach, Prague, Beerfest in Munich, the Bone Church in Moscow, the underground of Paris and wonderful little towns with their fabulous food and heritage in Southern France...
aw yes the list could truly go on for quite a while, though that does cover quite a bit.

A few places I'd love to go back to: Ireland and Greece most of all.

That's the start of my bucket list...
I have a few more that have nothing to do with travel:

• Skydive ~ cause how else does one face a fear of flying / falling? 
• Taking an outdoor adventure somewhere like Kenya, the sort where you live off the land or close to it
• Stay in a Castle in Europe, preferably an authentic one thats not horribly run down or really touristy. 
• Publish a Book of my short stories, maybe a novel too or two of my fantasy stories, also a coffee table sort of book of  photos of crazy staircases and interesting reflections
• Write a book of my GG Grandmother K. Brackenbury's travels from England to Colorado then SD
• Own some property
• Publish a poem again
• Have my own business again, even if on the side
• As cheesy as it sounds ~ Fall in love (someday) and have it be mutual.
• Live in The City for a while ~ LA, SF, or NY would count... SD doesn't, though it'll aways be my home
• If I never have kids (which I'm not totally ruling out, but it isn't likely) know I've helped a few a long the way at having life a bit better
• Always find time time here and there to volunteer with some great events & causes.
• Go to New Orleans for Marde Gras
• A cross country (or close) road trip with friends, a crazy trip or a few to Vegas too. Going w/ boyfriends is so boring, at least the idiots I've dated.
• Get a Credit in a Movie ~ why the F' not, it's a freak'n bucket list! Though as a PA or DA would suit me quite well
• Since I'm going there ~ go to the Playboy Mansion for a party, preferably Halloween

That's all I can think of for now, it's pretty personal (meaning there's lots of things I would want to happen for other people, but that has nothing to do w/ a bucket list) and there definitely a few things I could add, but it's pretty good for a start ;)  

This suits me pretty well...

I could add things about my hobbies and my art but they are ever changing and evolving... 

About my career, well for now that's about money, though part of my bucket list (if I would be truly honest) would be to find something to do to make money that I love to do... but for now~ doing work with good people that affords me time to do things I love and makes me just enough money to do them, well that's pretty damned good indeed!

F*#k,  as I told somebody last week, at one point many years ago my biggest goal was just to have a job with no damned name tag. I love my oddball name, truly, though it can be very annoying at times. You ever try having to repeat the story or meaning to your name every 4.5 minutes throughout an 8 hr shift day to day, over and over again? It's awfully frustrating, no matter how sure of yourself you are or who you might be, it can still be nerve-racking at times. 

I'm always L8... (9/29/2010 Midnight-ish)

I've decided it's a good thing in general... To start with I'll be late for my own death.

Sometimes it actually works out for the better and sometimes it pisses people off. I'm rarely so late that it holds other people up much. Though trying their patience, I'm sure I do at times.

Facebook Posts: 
"I'm always L8! I know it, hah! LOL. Just got pics up from last Wednesday's Muse Concert. Pics from this weekends Bellydance Cruise tomorrow night most likely, though a bit of sorting and editing to do still. Good times, now I desperately need to crash soon, damn it's late."

"Speaking of always being late... didn't leave work soon enough and missed Christa's class. Ended up following a beautiful sunset to the ocean... parking at Tourmaline & walking down past Crystal Pier, nearly to Belmont Park, then back while watching the end of the sunset and part of a cool lighting storm over the water. Good way to end the day... Then channel surfing and picture editing & posting. Now bed, finally."

See the above paragraph is a time it worked out quite well. Though it sucks that I missed another class. I saw an amazing sunset, didn't crash while watching it and driving. Got to see the end of it at one of my favorite places while watching the surfers come in by the dozens. Then went for a walk for over an hour, while watching a lighting storm. Good exercise and a free show.


Oh, Yes, Bed... still not there. Wishing I had energy drinks for tomorrow but I left those in my friends car... bed, now there's something I'm never on time for, unless I'm very early.  


Sometimes, like at work... I'll set something aside to do later, or lets be honest forget... and it ends up that it was way better that it wasn't done yet. Or they realize that I'm busy and luckily I've proven that I'll get to it later. Though as for me being late to work 1) I'm lucky they don't really care 2) I do kind of make my own schedule, but supposed to stick to what I say I'll do and come in when I say I will... 


Sure I stress my self out needlessly at times, running so close to the clock, not giving myself enough time. Not sure if I know how to change it, or if I care enough to try. Like I said sometimes it really does work out for the best, more often than not actually. 


I'm not sure it's simply that I'm always running late, or do to many things when I should be focusing, or just let myself space out all together and lose track... no I think that my whole concept of time is skewed. I don't think there's any changing that unless I try to rewire my whole thinking process and approach to life... and, well, it sounds kind of painful and honestly unnecessary. So, um, Blargh! Hah, not gonna do it. Not gonna change and confirm. When I really have to be somewhere at a very specific time, I'm there nearly on the dot or even before. If someone needs me I do my best to be there as soon as Tui possible. But I run on a different clock. Some days take years and some years take days....


Ack, all this talk of time I'll end up having near nightmares dreaming of clocks coming apart and getting all twisted up. Or maybe of popsicles, or ... 


One last silly example of my problem with time... 
The Morning Routine: (something I'll have to deal with far too soon)... you have all these things you "need" to do to get ready: Brush teeth, brush & style hair, put on make-up (if yr female, maybe even if not) eat breakfast, get dressed appropriately, pack a lunch, answer the phone is someone calls, check emails, put on deodorant, water the plants or do the dishes, feed the cats, try to exercise some... it's almost exhausting just thinking of it. Wow, imagine people who have kids... ugh, sorry I don't want to. Anyway my point is: too me, no matter when I wake up, it's never enough time to do all that needs to be done and there is no way I'm going to remember to do all of it anyway. Just saying.


So my bit of wisdom or advice: 
Do what you do. Some days try to challenge yourself to do more, or different things, & faster. Some days know that doing very little is fine too. Either way be happy w/ what you do. If you're really not happy then something needs to change. If you're a tad frustrated & stressed, well damned all welcome to the club, you have it better then most!


Oh, one more thing before I do crash... 
It's never too late! If it is too late for a particular thing then it wasn't meant to happen and something else will come up. Doesn't mean hesitate, not at all, grab for what you want dammit! But it's never too late to do what you want, go on that trip, find what you're looking for, and have a fan-f#*king-tasticly abso-f*#king-lutely epic and wonderful time. 


Now, I'm going to try to have this positive pollyanna-who-cusses-almost-like-a-sailor-with-a-smile good attitude carry me through my lack of sleep work day tomorrow.

Late night confessions...

It's true under enough stress
I might indeed be willing to confess
All of my unfortunate regrets to
A complete stranger met in a dark bar
On a dark night when trying to get far
Away form my worries and cares
But remember, only those that have fared
The hard times with me and shown they really care
Will ever have the chance the know my hearts desires
To ever glimpse the fire that burns with in

I've faced the bottom of a bottle
And known what to do, I won't lie
I go to the bar and order another two or three
I've gone plenty of days dry
Generally I know when it's best to leave
Some days a drink is the best cure for the blues
But there's plenty of other ways to sooth
A worried mind for sure and escape
Is of course very temporary
But laughs with friends no matter what state
Of mind you're in or where you are
Is truly the greatest way to get far away
From a bad mood

Do you kiss your mom with that dirty mouth
Boy don't think I believe any of your lies
There's no way I'm ever going south
For you or even giving you the time of day
If you knew what was best for you now
You would be turning around and walking away

I won't lie to you I've played the fool
More than once I've dated a total tool
Assholes who didn't give back half of what I gave
So I've been learning to take a step back and save
The best parts of me till I know more than
Whether or not they are charming and
Reasonably good in bed
I'm not a feminist for fucks sake, I want
A gentleman who will open the door
For me, but one that doesn't think I can't
Do it for myself, Rub my sore spots
When I ask, and even when I don't
Because I would do it for him
I'm tired of just skimming from the top
Being okay with a few good bits
Instead of being willing to just stop
To walk away and play the field
Till a guy comes along that's worth
Me laying down my shield
Because I won't have to change, just put forth
My own quirky attitude and strange
Approach to the world
Till then I'm trying not to be sold
On any damned fool

Chiaroscuro...

The sun disguised itself as the moon

To hide for an afternoon

I looked down as I walked and 

I was not fooled

Well maybe for a moment

The day had been the hazy sort that sent 

Thoughts in all directions

Making you want to do everything 

Or stay in bed, be lazy, and do nothing

Except have happy recollections

I had watched the waves curling 

While surfers rode them as best they could

The sets were coming in small and the tide swirling some

The water was a dark blue grey on the surface

But a lovely aqua green within the ocean swells

Old surfers that are young at heart kept pace

With the tides, their hearts beating strong and well

On my walk away from the sandy beach

I looked down and was reminded 

How we can find things that have such a stark

Contrast to one another, light and dark

A grey day but with so many bright parts

A dirty dark street making such a pretty picture

Water reflecting the trees being moved by the breeze

The sun momentarily as an unmoving fixture 

That looks like the moon in it's silver shade

Due to the overcast marine layer that made

The day only appear quite dreary 

Remembering Sept. 11th 2001

Not a poem, just a recollection

9 years and 2 days ago I woke up to the radio
I think it was Rock 105, but it could have been 91X
Either way I was barely awake when my mind
Started putting the pieces together of what I was hearing
Part of me thought I might still be dreaming
But mostly what I thought, and as awful as it my sound,
What still makes me laugh the slightest bit at the thought
Was that it was a modern version of War of the Worlds
A Djs new take on Orson Welles spoof done in 1938
Simplified- really what are terrorists but illegal aliens that want
To bring fear and destruction to our country
Truly I thought they were going to go through the whole thing
Then at the end we would find that it was all made up
That it was an article or short story that someone had written
If only that were true, if only those deaths could have been
In someones imagination and not part of one of this countries
Greatest tragedies, indeed we can not pretend it didn't happen
I did not wake up to find it was some strange awful dream
I was already up and went to work and did very little work
There was little to do, our part of the world was on pause
Waiting and listening to the radio or TV to learn just
How bad it was, just what had happened
Not that we'll ever have the whole true story
I felt the world pause again about a week later
I was in OB at their farmers' market
Which lies under Lindbergh Field's primary
Route to almost any destination for almost every air line
All flights had been grounded the day of the attacks
As it stayed for days and very few flights allowed after that for weeks
I was sampling the local fare of workers who could not afford
To have their lives on pause for too long
When a plane went overhead, it's quite a sound in that part of town
But that day the astonishing sound was the eerie silence that came
Over those there in the street, No one moved except to look up
I lost no one in the towers,
Though I felt for those that did and those that passed
Though I knew none personally, those lost are carried in my memory
I believe the best way to honor, them beyond never forgetting
Is to refuse to live in fear
To lend a hand to others when we can
& Live our lives to the fullest as best we can
That is all we can do for those that are no more

We are human after all...

Most of us, at least the Crazy wonderful people I know and love

Are very unlike animals, we go beyond just living to survive

Though it is often paycheck to paycheck, similar to meal to meal

We find adventures to have and altruistic projects to take on

One of the things about being human is the consistent

Utter lack of consistency and persistent 

Change from day to day, From mood to activity

Switching from a Fabulous Hot Mess

To frustrated disaster spiraling into misery

Only to switch back sometimes almost instantly

Certainly many of us get stuck in ruts of monotony

Some are content with living in a blur of disengagement

I cherish the roller coaster and living for the moment

Sometimes it can be weary and exhausting

I've learned to lean on friends when I'm finding 

Myself lost, to pick me up, turn up the radio 

Get me dancing and singing and losing myself 

In the best sort of way

Sure there is some routine in the day to day

No matter who you are, and it is best to stay

True to who you are, no matter what others say

Have fun and live your own way

Feel free to fuck up and fall down

To need to scream or be totally silly

We are human after all...

Simple things can still mean so much...

Volunteering my time

Silver skeletons shooting up to the sky

Destruction so evident to the eye

The dead trees surrounding this place

Where kids are getting away from facing

The everyday problems and separation

Reunited with siblings and friends

Yet hidden with in the laugher and smiles

Such damage lay disguised and filed away

Children that are nearly adults themselves

So many times moved and ignored

Promises broken, long ago swept off the floor

Their lives derailed, but yet they prevail

Constantly as they are lied to and swayed

Never being able to choose where they stay

They believe they are the ones who failed

At some point early on, still there are a few

The ones that move on from it, and away,

Who are strong and believe in themselves

Those that will not end up in jail

Or homeless on the street and repeating their

Parents or peers mistakes and do not fail

Themselves or the others who believe in them

They are the exception to the rule

The one, of many, that is not written

But witnessed by those that are not so cruel

As to keep a blind eye to that that is around

For them the most joyous sound

Is that laughter, for though it may hide

Layers beneath of sadness, it is hope

A small but great thing to know

That we may have helped in some way

For them to break away and cope

With what lays before them in that everyday

That we have shown them maybe a little

That some things can be constant

To believe in themselves and not settle

Nor continue to believe that there is anything they can’t

Accomplish in their lives, even if it’s just

Making it through another day unscathed

And knowing there are people who care

I walk away knowing what I must do to be fair

Take care of myself, my health, to carry on

But remember their names and faces as best I can

Living but waiting for the next opportunity

For an adventure to share with them

The friends and connections I have made so quickly

In these days in which I have been so lucky

I could have stayed... and somewhat regret that I did not. I went home sick, not horribly but at 4800 ft with lingering sore throat and cough it was enough.  I found out someone else lived near me and was leaving.  I had said I would volunteer for 4 days but only stayed for 2. 

I'll miss the ghost stories tonight and I missed getting to see if Brianna was able to sing in front of her peers last night. She, Katrina and Valerie each took turns singing so I could hear them. Beautiful strong voices each of them. At least I spent 2 days with them. They know I care and will see them again. Though Valerie has aged out and the next time I see her might be the last. I hope not. When she saw I was going she ran up to me with a huge hug. Wishing I wouldn't go but not trying to convince me to stay, well not much. Brianna on the other hand, quite the convincing pout. She and her guy were very sweet I do hope the adults lay off them while I'm gone and let them spend some of the few moments they are not separated together.
I'm pretty terrible at this. I'm not good at thinking of things to do w/ my "lil' sister", my mentee that I was placed with, and even worse at sending in reports. She lives far away now. I don't see her that often when I do it is often strained, 13 is a hard age no matter what your life situation is. It's also hard for the person being there as a volunteer to stick with. I have my own busy life and it's hard to spend time with someone who acts like they don't want you there some of the time.
So, I find things to do or give it time, depending on the situation in both our lives. I do more than many and less than others, I do as much as I am willing and as much as I need to. At least when it comes to volunteering, maybe life in general too.
Seeing Julian was sad. So many skeletons of trees still. The signs of destruction from the fires so evident still in those silver/grey things shooting up to the sky. I wish somebody would clear them, let people take them for firewood, and not leave such an awful reminder. Give room for new growth.
These children they fight and cause trouble, but there is so much laughter and camaraderie. Part of me wishes I was still there and hates that worries for my health and how it may effect next week or later or work kept me from spending some more time with them.
I don't walk away with regret though, I will heal, clean up my house, work on one thing at a time for now, the next opportunity for adventure will come and I will leap at it. Just like missing friends or family, I miss them now, feeling slightly lonely for the loss of company but glad for the friendships & connections made.
I know that simple things can mean so much... That shielding the two a bit from the adults so they could flirt w/ out so much disdain. The fact that I skate that middle line between hanging out as a friend and an adult. That they see me as a camp counselor or volunteer but not really as another authority trying to rule their lives. I'll ride the big roller coasters and jump in the pool right along with them. Brianna begged me to stay because I kept my eyes out and all around but didn't try to dictate what they were doing unless it was out of line.
Was it right for me to leave? It doesn't it matter. Did I do enough? Yes, because I went and spent 2 days there. Could I have done more? It doesn't matter. Do I miss them? Yes.

So I'm vaguely haunted by a few things I will share with you...

I keep dreaming about a guy I used to like, we were friends for a short while, still kind of are.  Then I think in the dreams he's also a guy I met and like a lot but that lives far away. I can't tell, really who it is, though I think I've been calling him by one name. Sometimes he acts like the first, kind of aloof, sometimes like the other very caring and silly. Either way both in the dream and real life they live far away and have no intention of having a relationship with me. The former because of lack of interest and the latter due to distance, so why do I have to keep dreaming about them...  why now & why a few nights in a row. Arg. Just in case you are curious it's not about sex... sorry. Kissing, flirting, hanging out w/ friends, going to places, trying to get to places, many times trying to plan to see each other alone but not... very active and rarely getting anywhere. Then there was the amusement park where I bought a bbq sandwich and it started raining and I was looking for my car but was running to the bus stop...


Second haunting complaint... this damn sinus infection. Don't know if it's due to having too much fun, not enough, my cats, being near too many nerdlings and not enough Purel & vitamins, or the stress of new things at work and another job opportunity. Because now a days no-one seems to believe a cold is just a cold, it's "a symptom of something else in your life". I don't know, but I'm sick of it. It's probably my fault that I still have it, not enough sleep or healthy food. It comes and goes and I forget that I'm not supposed to be acting normally till I don't feel normal. That's when I'm coughing and can't breath well or answer the phone.

However, right now, mostly I'm haunted by my inability to concentrate on anything that I'm supposed to be doing....
My mind has checked out as my co-worker put it. I like it here, but I don't want to be here, I want to get to the Urgent Care & get some anti-biotics... go feed my cats, go have yummy homemade fried chicken that my friend Jim is making and just relax... but it's going to suck leaving and knowing I've accomplished hardly a thing today... I'll take stuff home and say I'll work on it more, but really I'm going to have a hard enough time doing all that needs to be done at home. So blah... sorry, that's what I have to say about that!!

(A Few Poems...) Can't concentrate on work today, not feeling well and it's Friday... so instead I wrote...

A few poems…

Release

Looking back I realize that

With such heavy countenance I write

Or at least, have written and spoken

Pleading with my heart and head to release

The worries that that hold my sight

Lingering and refusing to cease

I am done with it now I dare say

Moving on to wistful & riotous things

On grassy plains I’ll lay

There are rock songs to horribly sing

I’m done caring about what I haven’t done

Or bills that need to be paid

Dammit I’m ready for some fun

Time to kidnap a friend and buy a ticket

To nowhere in particular and bake in the sun

To run from the grind and stick it

To the man, whatever that means

Tell me will you come cause some trouble

With me, rip things apart at the seems

Laugh in the face of danger

Be silly and giggle just because

Refuse to let fools anger us

Doing just as we want, just as we please…

No More
I gave you my words

I gave you my heart

We could not move forward

It was time to part

To people I should recognize with names I’ve forgotten… To the friends I’ve made recently or long long ago. To strangers that aren’t so very strange…

Ever so Forgetful & Grateful

I’ve moved on, forward in time

I can barely remember the past

I look for your face and cannot find it

Try to remember the names

It all went by too fast

So much has changed, I feel lame

Knew you once, but even my reflection

Barely looks like I remember it

A picture, moment of perfection

Now I’m not sure how to make things fit

The ones I remember well are lost

Or distorted by the passing of time

I cannot stop it or imagine what cost

I pay for going on, but the crime

Is not in doing what needs to be done

I may be forgetful and foolish

I am what I am, I’ve learned not to regret

What I cannot undo nor do I wish

To change the past or have things set

Still in time unmoving

I make new friends, new extended family

I keep on going not knowing what’s next

I refuse to apologize or say sorry

For these things, as simple or complex

As they may seem, they simply are

Still it does not mean I do not miss

Those I have not seen in a while

Fresh in my mind or far off in the grey abyss

Know that I am grateful for all the kind

People I have known and will find

As I travel onward throughout my days

A couple of poems from a while back when I was a bit stressed out...

About chance encounters, confused emotions, and an opportunity that turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. So I wrote, talked to friends, went out for drinks and walks, put my head down and worked... continued on... found other adventures...

Unrequited Love

Was I just another notch in you belt

Was I crazy for thinking I felt

Something more, the time we spent together

Having drinks and talking bout the weather

Yet you have moved on along

And all I have is that damn song

Stuck in my head from when we danced

We met by luck or chance

Then due to life parted our ways

Perhaps all we needed was those few days

Self Sabotage

What ties me to this place?

A false security and scratchy eyes

What is it I can not face

About the mirror and its lies

For once I have to try to believe

What I see is not the truth at all

But some horrible notion preconceived

From mistreatment long for stalled

With in my memory instead of being

Left with in the past to fade away

When there is so much to be seeing

If I only open a new door instead of staying

Somewhere that seems safe and kind

But instead is as flimsy and treacherous as anything

When indeed I know that I could find

Adventure worth that of day dreams

If I do nothing I will bring to my self

Such darkness to make nightmares seem sweet

As it turns out I didn't do nothing, but I passed up on dealing w/ a organizational & dramatic nightmare. I'm plenty busy...

Speed of life

Blinding my eyes

Faster than my heart

The beat of my life

In the club the flashing

Of the pulsating strobe lights

Cops sirens later that night

A good story and eye candy

Gets us sent on our way

Dawns bright rays of sunlight

Breaking through the trees

I must hold on tight

To your waist as the road twists

The nine to five routine

Now forgotten with the breeze

Whipping my hair behind us

Never a missed opportunity

For another adventure

Only so many hours in the day

Plans always changing as we go

We can’t slow down

But stop long enough to remember

To breath then keep on moving

Like a drum beat on the beach

The tide cresting its waves reflecting

The moon light and sparkling stars

Drinking brews around a bon fire

The heat burning my eyes

Your skin hot on mine

Never you worry or mind what may

Need to be done tomorrow

Choices made and soon we must move away

In this moment we know we cannot stay

Yet we’ll make it last as long as our memory