I was pushed and smashed
Till I ran to the edge
A kind soul came to give
Me a kind word
But then he thought that I needed
To be protected and sheltered
Maybe even hidden away
A hand up after a fall
A towel for the splashed beer
A shrug and word of encouragement
A push forward
Or even a shove away
When I lean too much
These things I have had need
Of at times, but to be treated
Like I can not take care of myself
Is not welcome any day of the week
I'm pretty good at getting myself
Out of a fight so it makes little
Sense for you to throw a punch
Or put me behind you, like I
Can't find my own way out of it
Certainly if I need a hand
Or even a partner in crime
I'll accept any assistance you can give
But please don't ever assume I am
Weak, helpless or need your sympathy
Again, please don't get me wrong
While I can be stubborn indeed
I'm not saying that at times
I couldn't use
Someone to lean on for a bit
But don't ever think I want
Someone to fight my fights
For me
If there is even one to be fought.
And if the fight is in my head
As I deal with a momentary dread
Don't you dare try to fix me
(A little post concert angst)
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Searching For A Voice & Chiaroscuro
Searching for a Voice
For reasons I can't explain
I haven't written much in
The last year or so
Though I've felt it pulling
At me, like a thread on a
A seam, that if not tended to
Will tear the whole garment apart
Not dramatically, so anyone else
Is likely to notice it
No, slowly, so only I know
That I feel like I am fading away
From within, until I am no more
Than a wraith like creature
Here, but not, on the edge
Part of me feels like I've lost
My voice, that if I try to
Speak only a whisper raspy
Sound that you would not
Be able to recognize would
Escape my lips
I know these fears are foolish
That they are unfounded
Yet that does little to make me
Feel like trying to stand up
Only to fall over and over again
The truly sad thing is I know
That if I try the world won't end
My heart is not broken
I am strong, able, and maybe
Event gifted with certain talents
But I'm just too afraid of opening
My mouth and having nothing
Come out, of putting pen to paper
But having nothing to say
That anyone else wants to hear
I'd love to lie and say I don't care
What anyone else thinks
How anyone else will respond
Or won't
But that's too big a lie for a
Person like me who still
Has just the slightest shred
Of hope that there is something
More
For me to do, say, be, see
I don't know where to go
From here, there is no road map
And I know I'll fall over and over again
But I guess I'm still willing to try
Chiaroscuro
I never thought of myself as afraid
Of the dark
Of the unknown or unseen
But now I know it's the darkness within
That I fear
The emptiness I feel at times
The hatred and cruelty I see in others
As an artist I always thought of black
As a color, the combination thereof or
The shadows, the pupil in eyes
Staring you down
But it's disputed because in science
Black is the lack of anything
No light, no hope for life
In religion darkness is to be feared
It's whear the devil lurks in wait
Till it can try to lure you in
I never thought I was afraid of the dark
At night you just add a little light
And you can see just fine
But if all there is is brightness
One becomes blind
There is nothing to see
Nothing to define the scenery
No lines in a face to see
The pain or laughter in an expression
Light and dark should not battle
They should each play their part
To develop the pictures you see
But I've definitely come to fear
Certain types of darkness
Like how quick some turn to
Treat others with unkindness
I know not what to do about it
Except knowing that my palate
Is not monochromatic
While I can not truly help
That others affect me
In some ways
I will not let them change me
I will find my own balance
And still enjoy the star filled
Dark nights I love so
For reasons I can't explain
I haven't written much in
The last year or so
Though I've felt it pulling
At me, like a thread on a
A seam, that if not tended to
Will tear the whole garment apart
Not dramatically, so anyone else
Is likely to notice it
No, slowly, so only I know
That I feel like I am fading away
From within, until I am no more
Than a wraith like creature
Here, but not, on the edge
Part of me feels like I've lost
My voice, that if I try to
Speak only a whisper raspy
Sound that you would not
Be able to recognize would
Escape my lips
I know these fears are foolish
That they are unfounded
Yet that does little to make me
Feel like trying to stand up
Only to fall over and over again
The truly sad thing is I know
That if I try the world won't end
My heart is not broken
I am strong, able, and maybe
Event gifted with certain talents
But I'm just too afraid of opening
My mouth and having nothing
Come out, of putting pen to paper
But having nothing to say
That anyone else wants to hear
I'd love to lie and say I don't care
What anyone else thinks
How anyone else will respond
Or won't
But that's too big a lie for a
Person like me who still
Has just the slightest shred
Of hope that there is something
More
For me to do, say, be, see
I don't know where to go
From here, there is no road map
And I know I'll fall over and over again
But I guess I'm still willing to try
Chiaroscuro
I never thought of myself as afraid
Of the dark
Of the unknown or unseen
But now I know it's the darkness within
That I fear
The emptiness I feel at times
The hatred and cruelty I see in others
As an artist I always thought of black
As a color, the combination thereof or
The shadows, the pupil in eyes
Staring you down
But it's disputed because in science
Black is the lack of anything
No light, no hope for life
In religion darkness is to be feared
It's whear the devil lurks in wait
Till it can try to lure you in
I never thought I was afraid of the dark
At night you just add a little light
And you can see just fine
But if all there is is brightness
One becomes blind
There is nothing to see
Nothing to define the scenery
No lines in a face to see
The pain or laughter in an expression
Light and dark should not battle
They should each play their part
To develop the pictures you see
But I've definitely come to fear
Certain types of darkness
Like how quick some turn to
Treat others with unkindness
I know not what to do about it
Except knowing that my palate
Is not monochromatic
While I can not truly help
That others affect me
In some ways
I will not let them change me
I will find my own balance
And still enjoy the star filled
Dark nights I love so
Monday, April 29, 2013
Dark Thoughts On A Gloomy Night
(written a little while back)
I don't want to think anymore
I want these moments to pass
To be done and gone
It's all happened before
I don't seem to be changing
Anything for the better
Am I improving anything
Or just doing the same damn things
Over and over again
Falling for the sames guy
Believing every little lie
Letting them make me cry
Stopping before I try
Then trying too hard for my
Own good
No one wants what I have
Yet they take and take and take
Then act like I'm the one
That is being selfish when I take
Any little thing
I don't have any big plans
No dreams drawn from the stars
Haven't written up any pragmatic goals
Yet you accuse me of scheming
Of trying to hook you in
As if I'd know what to do with you
If I had you
I'm really not the fool
I apparently seem to be
I am who I am and I'm tired of trying
To explain that to you
I'm too exhausted from this cycle
I'm not sure I have any more to give
But I know taking is not the answer
I want to run away somewhere far
From here where no one is relying
On me or pretending to care
Find a maelstrom to get lost in
An adventure to find myself in
Something I can believe in
Because right now all I see is lies
Like maggots and flies
Swimming in soup and champagne
Games played by cruel people
That happily pull at our strings
Good intentions and miscommunications
Driving canyons in between relations
I'm starting to want to be blind
To close my eyes to it all
I'm having to search so hard for kind
Thoughts and comments
I don't want to fall
Nor do I think I can trust in
You to catch me, seems too tall
An order to rely on anyone
But I know somewhere within me
That these are just dark thoughts
Creeping in at a dark hour to blot
Out all the light and all I have fought
For in the days that have past
And they have no power that can last
Over me for very long
I don't want to think anymore
I want these moments to pass
To be done and gone
It's all happened before
I don't seem to be changing
Anything for the better
Am I improving anything
Or just doing the same damn things
Over and over again
Falling for the sames guy
Believing every little lie
Letting them make me cry
Stopping before I try
Then trying too hard for my
Own good
No one wants what I have
Yet they take and take and take
Then act like I'm the one
That is being selfish when I take
Any little thing
I don't have any big plans
No dreams drawn from the stars
Haven't written up any pragmatic goals
Yet you accuse me of scheming
Of trying to hook you in
As if I'd know what to do with you
If I had you
I'm really not the fool
I apparently seem to be
I am who I am and I'm tired of trying
To explain that to you
I'm too exhausted from this cycle
I'm not sure I have any more to give
But I know taking is not the answer
I want to run away somewhere far
From here where no one is relying
On me or pretending to care
Find a maelstrom to get lost in
An adventure to find myself in
Something I can believe in
Because right now all I see is lies
Like maggots and flies
Swimming in soup and champagne
Games played by cruel people
That happily pull at our strings
Good intentions and miscommunications
Driving canyons in between relations
I'm starting to want to be blind
To close my eyes to it all
I'm having to search so hard for kind
Thoughts and comments
I don't want to fall
Nor do I think I can trust in
You to catch me, seems too tall
An order to rely on anyone
But I know somewhere within me
That these are just dark thoughts
Creeping in at a dark hour to blot
Out all the light and all I have fought
For in the days that have past
And they have no power that can last
Over me for very long
To The Core
Skin tingling crawling even
Eyes twitchy and vision uneven
Mind racing and pacing
Round in the same directions
Tracing over the same lines
Till it's too dark to read the signs
To see what's right in front of you
We could scream till we're blue
But it won't change a thing
Till we're ready to take action
To take the time to listen
To our hearts and each other
To find ways to clear the debris
Cease our hesitation and be free
Of excuses and obstructions
To not overthink and analyze
Each thought and choice
To no longer be finding ourselves
Doubting our emotions and voice
To move forward unafraid to look
Back at our past and learn from our work
To find ways to take the good
From the bad and not be hindered by regret
To be willing to take a stand and set
The record straight not letting anyone
Take anymore than you're willing to give
If we only have one life to live
It must be our own to be shared only
In measures we can abide
And if there is a situation you have tried
Repeatedly to reconcile
Maybe it's time to recognize
That some things must be set aside
Let go of, whether for forever or just a time
Can not be know right away
And in such things you will rarely have a say
But you must walk away
Move on, grow up, change
Be who you are, can be, yet staying the same
At the core, for the most part
We like the tides are ever moving
Always changing and being affected by
All the things around us
There are times to go with the flow
To fight it, direct it, resist it
We must find it within us to know
That what we're doing is right
To no longer be second guessing
Each of our actions and stressing
Out about each of our choices
To be outside the maelstrom of indecision
That ceaselessly tries to pull us into
A cycle of self doubt
Finding a way to be who we are
In this world living our lives
In a way we wish and that fits us
All the way to the core
Eyes twitchy and vision uneven
Mind racing and pacing
Round in the same directions
Tracing over the same lines
Till it's too dark to read the signs
To see what's right in front of you
We could scream till we're blue
But it won't change a thing
Till we're ready to take action
To take the time to listen
To our hearts and each other
To find ways to clear the debris
Cease our hesitation and be free
Of excuses and obstructions
To not overthink and analyze
Each thought and choice
To no longer be finding ourselves
Doubting our emotions and voice
To move forward unafraid to look
Back at our past and learn from our work
To find ways to take the good
From the bad and not be hindered by regret
To be willing to take a stand and set
The record straight not letting anyone
Take anymore than you're willing to give
If we only have one life to live
It must be our own to be shared only
In measures we can abide
And if there is a situation you have tried
Repeatedly to reconcile
Maybe it's time to recognize
That some things must be set aside
Let go of, whether for forever or just a time
Can not be know right away
And in such things you will rarely have a say
But you must walk away
Move on, grow up, change
Be who you are, can be, yet staying the same
At the core, for the most part
We like the tides are ever moving
Always changing and being affected by
All the things around us
There are times to go with the flow
To fight it, direct it, resist it
We must find it within us to know
That what we're doing is right
To no longer be second guessing
Each of our actions and stressing
Out about each of our choices
To be outside the maelstrom of indecision
That ceaselessly tries to pull us into
A cycle of self doubt
Finding a way to be who we are
In this world living our lives
In a way we wish and that fits us
All the way to the core
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Bruised Ego
I don't have thick skin
I do my best to hid it
I don't fit in and never have
But I do have friends
I do speak sarcasm
But honestly I don't get it
Half of the time, taking
Others to literally or personally
This is just me and who I am
There are things about me
That I can't explain
Because I change day to day
I'm not cool, my jokes are lame
But I still find a way to make
Others laugh and feel okay
Most of the time
Like the tide my life
Seems to follow certain patterns
Yet nothing is quite the same
From day to day
Friends disappear while others stay
Habits come and go
While repeated mistakes
Cause me bits of strife
Somehow I've learned to not let
The past haunt me or to regret
Anything that has come to pass
Shadows do linger in crass comments
Of bitterness that tries to grow
Like weeds in a garden to be mowed over
I'm easily confused, surprised and amused
But not so easily shocked
Even though it can be frustrating
I like getting lost
I love wild rides and quiet walks
A good story I can get lost in
I do tend to lose sight of things
And the big picture alludes me
I think the best of people
Till I no longer can and even then
I still hold out hope for them
No matter how used I've been
Still at some point I know
I've got to walk away
My mind has been known to stray
My feet to find their own way
Following a path not even I can see
I don't have thick skin
Sometimes I don't even
Bother to hide it
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'll let you in if I can
But I really can't promise anything
I do my best to hid it
I don't fit in and never have
But I do have friends
I do speak sarcasm
But honestly I don't get it
Half of the time, taking
Others to literally or personally
This is just me and who I am
There are things about me
That I can't explain
Because I change day to day
I'm not cool, my jokes are lame
But I still find a way to make
Others laugh and feel okay
Most of the time
Like the tide my life
Seems to follow certain patterns
Yet nothing is quite the same
From day to day
Friends disappear while others stay
Habits come and go
While repeated mistakes
Cause me bits of strife
Somehow I've learned to not let
The past haunt me or to regret
Anything that has come to pass
Shadows do linger in crass comments
Of bitterness that tries to grow
Like weeds in a garden to be mowed over
I'm easily confused, surprised and amused
But not so easily shocked
Even though it can be frustrating
I like getting lost
I love wild rides and quiet walks
A good story I can get lost in
I do tend to lose sight of things
And the big picture alludes me
I think the best of people
Till I no longer can and even then
I still hold out hope for them
No matter how used I've been
Still at some point I know
I've got to walk away
My mind has been known to stray
My feet to find their own way
Following a path not even I can see
I don't have thick skin
Sometimes I don't even
Bother to hide it
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'll let you in if I can
But I really can't promise anything
A friend asked "How's Life?"
Life is good
While it's a tangle
Of Aspirations & Inspirations
Detour signs & Road blocks
As frustrating & maddening
As they can be, I like puzzles
So throw at me whatever
You've got & what I can't catch
I'll put the pieces together
Again into a mosaic
Someone somewhere will appreciate
As a work of art
That's how I see my life
When I don't have an umbrella
I'll take the opportunity
To dance in the rain
Till I'm soaked through
And starting to feel a bit miserable
I'll find some sort of shelter
Till the sun comes out again
I'll stop to gander at the rainbows
Till I must wander onward
Into the daylight and through
The dark and wild nights
That's how I see my life
And it's really quite alright
;)
While it's a tangle
Of Aspirations & Inspirations
Detour signs & Road blocks
As frustrating & maddening
As they can be, I like puzzles
So throw at me whatever
You've got & what I can't catch
I'll put the pieces together
Again into a mosaic
Someone somewhere will appreciate
As a work of art
That's how I see my life
When I don't have an umbrella
I'll take the opportunity
To dance in the rain
Till I'm soaked through
And starting to feel a bit miserable
I'll find some sort of shelter
Till the sun comes out again
I'll stop to gander at the rainbows
Till I must wander onward
Into the daylight and through
The dark and wild nights
That's how I see my life
And it's really quite alright
;)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Mini Rant / Random Tui Thoughts of the Week
I had a realization last night in conversation... I haven't worked on writing my stories in a while because it's work. I write poems still pretty often, but those - while sometimes tricky to get the rhythm and wording down- are partly stream of consciousness & mostly just pour out of me. They are not work. I really do want to get more stories written & now realize I have to treat it more like a job.
So I now that have a "Day Job" I don't have to worry about bills. I can finally tell people where I work, instead that I don't, but try not to act embarrassed that it's back in retail. Yet it's still not answer to "What I Do". Because that answer includes stuff like work at a job & that I write, take lots of photos, do crafts, travel, hang with & help friends & family, go to shows, study anthropology, train in archery, & watch movies...
It's not a career, but it is my life.
& I realize it's time to get serious about "Moonlighting" & WORK at making some of my hobbies & dreams more than just that.
So yeah... ;)
How's your Saturday? LOL
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