First Ramblings of the New Year

It's a new year and I haven't said a word
At least not on here
Haven't written a word of poetry in a while
I'd love to say it's because all is well
Not that it's terrible
There are fantastic days and horrible ones
I'd like to say I've found other ways to
Sucessfully process everything
But that'd be a bit of a lie
I don't know why I've been away
I have been trying new things
Or old things over again
I got a Tai Chi DVD
It's agonizingly slow but I'm trying
Each day a bit more of it
It's done in a bunch of segments
So I will do 1A then 1B till I get to five
That's when all the moves come together
So I'll probably start all over again
To get them down right
I still haven't painted anything
Though I have a couple ideas
One is mixed media maybe
But then I need to find pictures of the city
And some of the forest with streams
Because that's what made up most of my
Road trip up north to Washington visually
The city on one side and the forest on the other
In the middle a long dark white spotted road
And the words my cousin said
It's Okay We'll Make This Work
I love those words so much
I'm trying to find a job
Any job I can find that will hire me
That's not true at all
I'm picky as hell most of the time
But I do apply for stuff I don't care about
I wish I could find something I want to do
So This is just going to be randomness
That's what I get for not writing for a while I guess
My cat is on my lap and it's late into the night
Nothing seems wrong nothing is quite right
It's all out of place and still where it needs to be
That's about how I feel
It doesn't need to make sense
I danced last night & I was truly happy
It doesn't take a lot to make me smile
There is a lot right now that makes me sad
But I'm doing my best to find the silver lining
In it all, in all the moments everyday
Nearly every week someone in my family goes
To the hospital for some reason
We are mortal beings only given so much time
We don't get to know how much we're given
We can't dwell on it or we'll waste it
I've been writing in a journal
Except the last two days while obsessing about
Filling out awful job applications
I've barely left the house in the last week
But I've still managed you live
I brought in the sewing machine
Sanded the long bow I was given
For my birthday along with a set of arrows
Read about an adventure to find faeries
And started typing up my Europe trip notes
I still check my phone 2-3 times a day
Hoping someone will call from far away
I check the internet all the time to see
Other people living life their way
We interact sometimes with each other
Over the interconnecting signals
Or I go out and see a familiar face in person
It's how we live in the modern world
Sometimes I take time though to sit quietly
Watching the hummingbirds feed or the Heron
Slowly stalking it's prey in murky waters
Or I listen to loud music and sing terribly
So that's how I start the New Year
With a mix of quiet and chaos
Reflection and spontaneous combustion
A bit of the same old same old
But some new lessons, mistakes and adventures
Tomorrow is just another day
But it's one more someone else isn't granted
Instead of worrying about it be grateful
Take, give, laugh, cry, be crazy and enjoy
Well that's what I hope to do
Maybe I'll finally write down those stories
I have in my head or exercise enough to
Fit again into the pants I bought in Germany
Perhaps I'll find love or he'll find me
There's even a chance I'll end this poem

The End (for now)

The Right Time

So when the shit hits the fan
You can walk away
You can give up
Lay down down your arms
Say whatever, I don't care
Or you can start charging
Be assertive and show what
You really believe in
What's in your heart
What you really care for
Be assertive, no matter
What it means, no matter
What it says about you
In the end that's what
Will matter
To friends and family
That you were true to
Yourself and fought
For what you believe in
It's not easy
Nor will it ever will be
To show who you are
Amongst mixed company
But it is the right thing to do

Believe me I know there's
Rarely a sign leading you to
The right direction or telling you
Which way to go
Trust me that's been much of
My problem in days past
I keep expecting someone
Hell Anyone
To tell me which way to go
I know deep down it's rarely
Ever That easy
There's no direction or exit
Signs leading our way out of
These crazy situations
We have to find our own way
No matter what that means
Sometimes
We have to do our own thing

To an Ailing Family Member

I'm not ready to say good bye

And I won't be for a long time

So you don't get to go anywhere

I realize I must live my own life

Figure out my own path

But should I have to do it

With out you by my side

Or at least a phone call away

So I'm not asking you

I am telling you to stay

Whether you think you

Have a choice in this or not

You are not going anywhere

At least not very far for very long

Sure I can be brave and strong

But should I have to do so alone

I love you

I always will

No matter where you go

No matter how far away

Or for how long you go

I love you

I always will

Sure I could live on with out you

But I don't want to have to

I want to be able to call you

When I have good news

I want to have you listen

When I don't know what to do

You don't have to say a thing

Though I would prefer that you do

I want to have the choice to see you

To see your face

And feel your embrace

Whether your eyes are happy or sad

Whether your feeling good or bad

I will be there whenever I can

So please don't go

Not anytime soon

Stay here for as long as you can

Late night thoughts after another eventful evening...

It's late and I have a big day tomorrow
Well I have work to do anyway
I just have a bit more to say
Before I rest my head and bid good night
To yet another day
To hopefully wake ready to fight
Or at least rise and face the new day
To treat it like an opportunity not an obstacle
There's something about the day light
That seems to give me life
And make me scared at the same time
Like there's something I should be
Living up to out there in the day time
The possibilities are awesome and scary

Anyway... I can't find the prose to say it
I stay up late, finally finding some motivation
Some inkling of creativity and hope
But for some reason when I wake
At least most days
It's to a groggy frustrating lack of
Well... drive I guess
Many times I barely get moving till
It's already midday... Then what
I'm working on it, is all I can say
I know I need to act or it's all just words

So I'd be silly if I didn't comment
To the universe...
Since no one is reading this currently
But who knows
Someone might in the coming days
It has been an eventful
All be it strange year
I am still unemployed
I have traveled
Made friends and nearly lost one
Reconnected with old friends and distant family
I've let a lot of days pass with regrettably little progress
But I've still accomplished a lot
Truly I have nothing to regret
Though I do need to keep working on acting
On my wants and needs
Keep fighting for and believing in myself
The world has gone on around me
Some of it I have been involved in
It's been an eventful year for many I know
Some painful times
Some amazing times
Most experiencing an odd mix of both
We have gone through another election
Re-ellected the previous president
There is pain, confusion, miscommunication
frustration, illness out there in our world
Right along with it is compassion and caring
People who show strength and bravery every day
I don't know where I'll be in five years or even five days
But I try to believe and deep down I trulydo think it'll be okay

Guitar Practice

I'm working at playing the guitar again
A decade had passed & the past is stained
With regrets and missed opportunities
But I've got to believe it's getting me to
Where I need to be
I'm starting at the beginning again
Learning the chords and strumming
The simple things that are still a pain
To remember and do right without having
To look at my hands or over thinking
Each move and motion while I find the rhythm
I don't have calluses yet so the strings
Cut into my fingers in no time
I have to remember to practice
To do it often enough that it'll sink in
To be patient and take my time
Taking it step by step
Not trying to rush it just because
I let a decade pass
While I let another dream
Gather dust and come apart at the seams
Those worries must be in the past
While I take action to build my dreams
Back up and forget about old regrets
I'm not playing any songs yet
Just slowly strumming out chords
Learning to shift from one to another
Like learning to trust a lover
After having been scorned
So many times before

Just Look Away

These moments they scare me
More than anything anywhere
When it all seems to fit together
Because that's when I think
It'll all going to fall apart again
Oh please my dear don't stare
I've got my imperfections and my faults
Though know I may be perfect to your eyes
I'm still not sure I can stand it when
If you stare at me again
I want you to stay with me
I think I know you can't
I think I always knew you couldn't
So please don't stare at me
Like you want to say you love me
Please don't look at me with that longing
Close your eyes and look away
If you must my dear
It's the words I fear
Don't say you love me
Don't say you love me
Unless you mean it
Don't say you love me
If you won't at least try to stay
I want to you to be here with me
More than anything
But only if you want to be
I think I know you can't
I think I always knew you couldn't
So please just look away
My love
Please just look away
If you can't be straight with me

Green as the Sea

I can't sleep in this night
It could only be right
If only you were right
Here beside me tonight
I close my eyes and I try
To see you but sadly
You are fading to my eyelids
I know your eyes are green
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of the sea
When I was down in Hawaii
A bit before we ever met
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of the sea
Those days I saw turtles
Swim by me
Those days that I felt free
I reach out my hand sometimes
For anyone to save me
Anyone that will reach for me
But the truth is I want it to be you
With your green eyes the color of the sea
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of your eyes