Dark Thoughts On A Gloomy Night

(written a little while back)

I don't want to think anymore
I want these moments to pass
To be done and gone
It's all happened before
I don't seem to be changing
Anything for the better
Am I improving anything
Or just doing the same damn things
Over and over again
Falling for the sames guy
Believing every little lie
Letting them make me cry
Stopping before I try
Then trying too hard for my
Own good
No one wants what I have
Yet they take and take and take
Then act like I'm the one
That is being selfish when I take
Any little thing
I don't have any big plans
No dreams drawn from the stars
Haven't written up any pragmatic goals
Yet you accuse me of scheming
Of trying to hook you in
As if I'd know what to do with you
If I had you
I'm really not the fool
I apparently seem to be
I am who I am and I'm tired of trying
To explain that to you
I'm too exhausted from this cycle
I'm not sure I have any more to give
But I know taking is not the answer
I want to run away somewhere far
From here where no one is relying
On me or pretending to care
Find a maelstrom to get lost in
An adventure to find myself in
Something I can believe in
Because right now all I see is lies
Like maggots and flies
Swimming in soup and champagne
Games played by cruel people
That happily pull at our strings
Good intentions and miscommunications
Driving canyons in between relations
I'm starting to want to be blind
To close my eyes to it all
I'm having to search so hard for kind
Thoughts and comments
I don't want to fall
Nor do I think I can trust in
You to catch me, seems too tall
An order to rely on anyone
But I know somewhere within me
That these are just dark thoughts
Creeping in at a dark hour to blot
Out all the light and all I have fought
For in the days that have past
And they have no power that can last
Over me for very long

To The Core

Skin tingling crawling even
Eyes twitchy and vision uneven
Mind racing and pacing
Round in the same directions
Tracing over the same lines
Till it's too dark to read the signs
To see what's right in front of you
We could scream till we're blue
But it won't change a thing
Till we're ready to take action
To take the time to listen
To our hearts and each other
To find ways to clear the debris
Cease our hesitation and be free
Of excuses and obstructions
To not overthink and analyze
Each thought and choice
To no longer be finding ourselves
Doubting our emotions and voice
To move forward unafraid to look
Back at our past and learn from our work
To find ways to take the good
From the bad and not be hindered by regret
To be willing to take a stand and set
The record straight not letting anyone
Take anymore than you're willing to give
If we only have one life to live
It must be our own to be shared only
In measures we can abide
And if there is a situation you have tried
Repeatedly to reconcile
Maybe it's time to recognize
That some things must be set aside
Let go of, whether for forever or just a time
Can not be know right away
And in such things you will rarely have a say
But you must walk away
Move on, grow up, change
Be who you are, can be, yet staying the same
At the core, for the most part
We like the tides are ever moving
Always changing and being affected by
All the things around us
There are times to go with the flow
To fight it, direct it, resist it
We must find it within us to know
That what we're doing is right
To no longer be second guessing
Each of our actions and stressing
Out about each of our choices
To be outside the maelstrom of indecision
That ceaselessly tries to pull us into
A cycle of self doubt
Finding a way to be who we are
In this world living our lives
In a way we wish and that fits us
All the way to the core

Bruised Ego

I don't have thick skin
I do my best to hid it
I don't fit in and never have
But I do have friends
I do speak sarcasm
But honestly I don't get it
Half of the time, taking
Others to literally or personally
This is just me and who I am
There are things about me
That I can't explain
Because I change day to day
I'm not cool, my jokes are lame
But I still find a way to make
Others laugh and feel okay
Most of the time
Like the tide my life
Seems to follow certain patterns
Yet nothing is quite the same
From day to day
Friends disappear while others stay
Habits come and go
While repeated mistakes
Cause me bits of strife
Somehow I've learned to not let
The past haunt me or to regret
Anything that has come to pass
Shadows do linger in crass comments
Of bitterness that tries to grow
Like weeds in a garden to be mowed over
I'm easily confused, surprised and amused
But not so easily shocked
Even though it can be frustrating
I like getting lost
I love wild rides and quiet walks
A good story I can get lost in
I do tend to lose sight of things
And the big picture alludes me
I think the best of people
Till I no longer can and even then
I still hold out hope for them
No matter how used I've been
Still at some point I know
I've got to walk away
My mind has been known to stray
My feet to find their own way
Following a path not even I can see
I don't have thick skin
Sometimes I don't even
Bother to hide it
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'll let you in if I can
But I really can't promise anything

A friend asked "How's Life?"

Life is good
While it's a tangle
Of Aspirations & Inspirations
Detour signs & Road blocks
As frustrating & maddening
As they can be, I like puzzles
So throw at me whatever
You've got & what I can't catch
I'll put the pieces together
Again into a mosaic
Someone somewhere will appreciate
As a work of art
That's how I see my life
When I don't have an umbrella
I'll take the opportunity
To dance in the rain
Till I'm soaked through
And starting to feel a bit miserable
I'll find some sort of shelter
Till the sun comes out again
I'll stop to gander at the rainbows
Till I must wander onward
Into the daylight and through
The dark and wild nights
That's how I see my life
And it's really quite alright
;)

Mini Rant / Random Tui Thoughts of the Week

I had a realization last night in conversation... I haven't worked on writing my stories in a while because it's work. I write poems still pretty often, but those - while sometimes tricky to get the rhythm and wording down- are partly stream of consciousness & mostly just pour out of me. They are not work. I really do want to get more stories written & now realize I have to treat it more like a job. 
So I now that have a "Day Job" I don't have to worry about bills. I can finally tell people where I work, instead that I don't, but try not to act embarrassed that it's back in retail. Yet it's still not answer to "What I Do". Because that answer includes stuff like work at a job & that I write, take lots of photos, do crafts, travel, hang with & help friends & family, go to shows, study anthropology, train in archery, & watch movies... 
It's not a career, but it is my life. 
& I realize it's time to get serious about "Moonlighting" & WORK at making some of my hobbies & dreams more than just that. 
So yeah... ;) 
How's your Saturday? LOL

Truths Spoken In The Moment

I react to what you say
And how it makes me feel
Respond with words that seem real
I don't mean to act so strange
Or to seem so easy to sway
It's just the way I am
Sometimes I'm the ringleader
And sometimes I play along with the game
I don't really care what the rules are
But still I try to follow them most days
Sometimes I hide on the edge of the crowd
Sometimes I am a voice in the middle rowdy
And wild and carefree while riding the waves
If you were to ask if I would stay
I would say yes and it would be true
Till I was ready to go my own way
Because all I really know how to do
Is react to what you say
In the way that feels right in that moment

I don't believe a guy
Should ask a girl
About her morals & motives
Anymore than others think
That he should ask her age
Yet I get asked that all the time
Since my looks are deceptive

My opinions & the way I act
Change from day to day
I do things sometimes that
Others might regret
But I refuse to look back
At anything but the good times
You know my choices
Are mine to make
Even if the outcome is half chance
I still surprise myself from time to time
So I can't tell you what to expect
Or what it is that I want
Out of you or out of life


You ask me what I believe
Truth is that when it
Comes to certain things
It changes from one day
To the next
I think we should be able
To say whatever we want to
But sometimes I can't even believe
The words that come out of
My own mouth
I don't mean to lie, well rarely
But when it comes to somethings
What I want and what I think
Changes with my mood and the
Time of day
So I'm not sure what to say
I'm not sure anything I do
Would be completely true
It's not that I'm trying to be false
But any kind of relationship
Involves a dance not unlike the waltz
We turn in circles taking lead or following
The moves change along with the song
That is being played
Nothing can stay the same
The beat goes onward with occasional
Breaks in between
If it seems to you like I'm dodging
The question it is only because I am lacking
An honest heartfelt response knowing
You deserve some sort of answer
All I can do is change the subject
Would it actually matter if I poured
My heart out to you at this point in time

My thoughts stray to far off places
My vision gets hazy as my gaze
Drifts off to the distant horizon
As I look at nothing in particular
My thoughts set on nothing singular
But a mild mix of chaos and confusion
Of the things that should be done
The days that have past
Of moments of haven't yet occurred

Rough Waters...

It's morning and the world is grey
As usual I don't know what to say
And I'm sure I said all the wrong things
Even if I had my own set of wings
I could not fly away from my troubles
They would follow me through
Air and sea, desert and forest
I must find a way to face them head on
No matter how rough the road may be
There is blue sky peaking through
And a sparkle to the water
A silver lining to every cloud
So while I may not have the right words
I must speak them anyway and face
The outcome if I am to move forward
I may cry to easily sometimes or
Laugh at the wrong moments
Talk a mile a moment or get really quiet
Say things I don't mean unintentionally
Tell the same story three more times
Drink a little too much after not eating enough
Talk too much without really saying anything
But sometimes I can come up with
A perfect one liner to make you smile again
And I'll always be there to pick you up
When you stumble or need a shoulder
To lean on or an ear to listen
I'm not perfect and neither are you
We both know this so I don't know
What we are each running away from
Or what keeps driving us apart
I don't think my mistakes are unforgivable
Nor do your quirks make you undesirable
Time does not heal all wounds
At least not time alone
Some have to be treated and dealt with
Or they will begin to rot and fester
Friendships have been lost for less
But all I can do is say I am sorry
I never meant to cause you harm or worry
Never meant to show you any disrespect
Just trying to my best with the cards
That I have been dealt
Sometimes I make wrong turns and get lost
But I've found that can be the best way
To find roads to places unseen before
So sometimes I wander and stray
Do stupid things and say horrible things
Test the waters or take crazy risks
Maybe it not always the best way to be
Maybe sometimes it's just right
But I am trying to do my best
To learn from my mistakes
To take criticism and take any hit
With a grain of salt, to not be fake
To anyone including myself
So I hope we can find the rainbow
At the end of all of this storm
That when the clouds to clear
We do not simply see destruction
In our wake but possibility and hope
Opportunity and the ability to cope
With whatever obstacle that is thrown
Our way
That we will be better people
For what we've come through