To an Ailing Family Member

I'm not ready to say good bye

And I won't be for a long time

So you don't get to go anywhere

I realize I must live my own life

Figure out my own path

But should I have to do it

With out you by my side

Or at least a phone call away

So I'm not asking you

I am telling you to stay

Whether you think you

Have a choice in this or not

You are not going anywhere

At least not very far for very long

Sure I can be brave and strong

But should I have to do so alone

I love you

I always will

No matter where you go

No matter how far away

Or for how long you go

I love you

I always will

Sure I could live on with out you

But I don't want to have to

I want to be able to call you

When I have good news

I want to have you listen

When I don't know what to do

You don't have to say a thing

Though I would prefer that you do

I want to have the choice to see you

To see your face

And feel your embrace

Whether your eyes are happy or sad

Whether your feeling good or bad

I will be there whenever I can

So please don't go

Not anytime soon

Stay here for as long as you can

Late night thoughts after another eventful evening...

It's late and I have a big day tomorrow
Well I have work to do anyway
I just have a bit more to say
Before I rest my head and bid good night
To yet another day
To hopefully wake ready to fight
Or at least rise and face the new day
To treat it like an opportunity not an obstacle
There's something about the day light
That seems to give me life
And make me scared at the same time
Like there's something I should be
Living up to out there in the day time
The possibilities are awesome and scary

Anyway... I can't find the prose to say it
I stay up late, finally finding some motivation
Some inkling of creativity and hope
But for some reason when I wake
At least most days
It's to a groggy frustrating lack of
Well... drive I guess
Many times I barely get moving till
It's already midday... Then what
I'm working on it, is all I can say
I know I need to act or it's all just words

So I'd be silly if I didn't comment
To the universe...
Since no one is reading this currently
But who knows
Someone might in the coming days
It has been an eventful
All be it strange year
I am still unemployed
I have traveled
Made friends and nearly lost one
Reconnected with old friends and distant family
I've let a lot of days pass with regrettably little progress
But I've still accomplished a lot
Truly I have nothing to regret
Though I do need to keep working on acting
On my wants and needs
Keep fighting for and believing in myself
The world has gone on around me
Some of it I have been involved in
It's been an eventful year for many I know
Some painful times
Some amazing times
Most experiencing an odd mix of both
We have gone through another election
Re-ellected the previous president
There is pain, confusion, miscommunication
frustration, illness out there in our world
Right along with it is compassion and caring
People who show strength and bravery every day
I don't know where I'll be in five years or even five days
But I try to believe and deep down I trulydo think it'll be okay

Guitar Practice

I'm working at playing the guitar again
A decade had passed & the past is stained
With regrets and missed opportunities
But I've got to believe it's getting me to
Where I need to be
I'm starting at the beginning again
Learning the chords and strumming
The simple things that are still a pain
To remember and do right without having
To look at my hands or over thinking
Each move and motion while I find the rhythm
I don't have calluses yet so the strings
Cut into my fingers in no time
I have to remember to practice
To do it often enough that it'll sink in
To be patient and take my time
Taking it step by step
Not trying to rush it just because
I let a decade pass
While I let another dream
Gather dust and come apart at the seams
Those worries must be in the past
While I take action to build my dreams
Back up and forget about old regrets
I'm not playing any songs yet
Just slowly strumming out chords
Learning to shift from one to another
Like learning to trust a lover
After having been scorned
So many times before

Just Look Away

These moments they scare me
More than anything anywhere
When it all seems to fit together
Because that's when I think
It'll all going to fall apart again
Oh please my dear don't stare
I've got my imperfections and my faults
Though know I may be perfect to your eyes
I'm still not sure I can stand it when
If you stare at me again
I want you to stay with me
I think I know you can't
I think I always knew you couldn't
So please don't stare at me
Like you want to say you love me
Please don't look at me with that longing
Close your eyes and look away
If you must my dear
It's the words I fear
Don't say you love me
Don't say you love me
Unless you mean it
Don't say you love me
If you won't at least try to stay
I want to you to be here with me
More than anything
But only if you want to be
I think I know you can't
I think I always knew you couldn't
So please just look away
My love
Please just look away
If you can't be straight with me

Green as the Sea

I can't sleep in this night
It could only be right
If only you were right
Here beside me tonight
I close my eyes and I try
To see you but sadly
You are fading to my eyelids
I know your eyes are green
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of the sea
When I was down in Hawaii
A bit before we ever met
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of the sea
Those days I saw turtles
Swim by me
Those days that I felt free
I reach out my hand sometimes
For anyone to save me
Anyone that will reach for me
But the truth is I want it to be you
With your green eyes the color of the sea
That's all I can really see now
That's all I can really see now
The color of your eyes

A lady to her knight..

The truth is you are on my mind
Each and every day
I'm just not sure what to write
What I want to say
What would bridge the distance
While you are so far away
Do I ask questions about your likes
Your family and your dreams
In return give you answers about me
Would you want to read
Messages filled with me babbling
About how I pass my days
Here on the mainland

Should I wax poetic
As I am doing so this moment
Or keep it short and simple but sweet

All the while as I write this
I wonder how things are with you
If you face rough seas
Or if your days are paced
With calm & steady waves
I have not known you long at all
Yet find my self willing to promise
Not to stray
To wait for the day you return
When I may see your face again
Sadly I can't help also wondering
Why it took so long to hear from you
Days and months passed with out word
But I am reassured by your promise
To return to me
From the dust and water
So far away
To stay with me a while
Till the day my knight errant
Is again sent on another quest

Road Trip

I've been away for a while
I took a trip in my car
I drove on my own
But friends were never far
I never really felt alone
Though I traveled to places
That were unknown to me
Saw beautiful sights & faces
Was reminded of sadness
and Greeted with smiles
Moments that will always
Be with me till the end of my days
I could not stay
In any one place for much time
Had to move along the road
Keep following the lines on the map
To see what else I might find
I don't know what I was looking for
I don't think that I found it
What I did find though was much more
No great answers to old questions
No compass to give me directions
Instead I had fantastic experiences
and Wonderful conversations
When I came home alone
I was still me
Still scared and excited about tomorrow
Still feeling quite lost and unsure
About my place in a quotidian world
But I'd had an incredible journey