Off Kilter...

Sorry if I put you off kilter

It seems that I have no filter

When I’m around you

I say what I mean to

And do what I want to

But I guess I did hesitate a bit

Just trying not to make

The mistake of rushing

Things with you & ruining

What could be

Whatever that may be

I like you its true

I can’t help it or hide it

Nor to I want to

You say you may not be ready

But don’t want to scare me away

Because you like me too

Well I’m in no hurry

Nor am I that timid

Honestly I lead a pretty busy

And full life already

With plenty of friends and family

I’m not sure how much of that

I am ready to share with anybody

Just yet

I think that eventually

I’d like to share it all with you

I suppose that time will tell

Where we shall end up being

But I’m also not willing

To waste my time worrying

About the future

About what may or not be

Only way I can think to say it is

I don’t want to run to you

Nor do I want to walk away

I want to be with you

Just not everyday, not just yet

For us to have breathing room

To be ourselves and learn

About each other more

I actually like that we

Make each other nervous

It’s a good sign of attraction

With just enough reservation

To not be too foolish

To play it a bit cool

And take our time

It’s not like I know

What tomorrow holds

Slightly buzzed frustrations...

Procrastination & Frustration

So many times I’ve quit

Before I’ve really tried

Don’t ask me the reasons

I have no answers why

Apparently I’ve accomplished enough

That I seem a failure only to myself

This constant state of self sabotage

And continuing to deny myself

What I want for no better reason

Than it doesn’t seem the right season

Not the right time to reach

For what may be within my grasp

Letting too much time lapse

Though I know deep within

That no time is perfect indeed

All we can do is hope & plan

For tomorrow, planting a seed

For what may in fact be

And make the best of today

Yet believing doesn’t change the way

That I end up living this day no matter

What I may know or understand

Yet for all of my crazy dark words

On my feet I do usually land

And if I wobble or fall then a friend

Is not very far with a hand to lend

My mind racing with ideas

But no actual direction nor

Determination to proceed

I feel like it’s just out of reach

But maybe I’m just not

Willing to take a leap

It’s a sad pathetic excuse

When falling is not the

Worst possibility out there

Stagnation 

Strange feeling like I can

Do anything but not knowing

What way to go and then

Ending up spinning out of control

Or facing the fork in the road

Only to return the way I came

Choosing to go the road I know

Knowing neither path would be wrong

Being lost is not nearly so bad

As being stagnant and learning nothing

Cola 

If a soda isn’t enjoyed chilled

Out of the can in a slightly calm state

There’s only two ways it can go

Shaken it looses all it’s fizz

In an explosive depriving burst

Or it sits and sadly it just dissipates

Both outcomes are an awful fate

The words...

I've written it down in my little black book
Now the thoughts they aren't gnawing away
At the back of my brain finding little nooks
And crannies to settle into and fester away
I grabbed a pen like a nice sharp hook
And scraped them away along the white paper
The words have a certain magic and work
Much better when they are not stuck in the grey matter

Saying Good Night...

Been forever since I saw you last
How can it feel like yesterday
When I've forgotten so many things that have past
Know I never knew you that way
Not much further than hello how's your day
The time went by too damn fast
Can't help that I don't want to see you go
Even for a just a few days
What happens if I blink, do you know
I do, I might forget the way
It was when you made me smile
Fuck if I even remember your name
I'm doing good these days
The memories continue to pile
Up in so many stacks yet theres no way
I get to pick which ones I get to keep
People are the same exact way
So I can't help it if I want you to stay
Sure I can pretend I don't & just sleep
Ignore it and wish it all away
Not like I haven't lost others along the way
Or that I may not see you another day
That I'll be busy tomorrow anyway
That I've got things to do myself for myself
Still doesn't mean I should pretend
I want you to walk away or that it's the unselfish
Thing to do to hide what I want instead
Fuck if I know the right thing to say
At a any typical time and I've already said
Too damn much but not enough to make
You understand why I looked away
No matter what I do I keep making the same mistake
Whether I'm holding too tight and saying too much
Or ignoring everything and waiting, being fake
Not being myself, it's all the same such bullshit
It's always too soon or too late
Yet today seems a bit different
Maybe I'll have a bit of luck and fate
Will smile on me for another day
Because I don't care anymore about what's waiting
For me tomorrow or what titles we use or the way
That yesterday had to end
I know I'll see you some other day
So for now I'm going to go my own way

Make the most of today...

Forgotten nights & forgotten dreams
Lay by the bedside as I wake
But today I leave my regrets
With them as well to dissipate
With the morning dew
Time to stop procrastinating
I have things to do
Stories and verses to write
Plans to make for today
For tomorrow
No more waiting for later
Or blaming my lethargy on
Days that haven't gone the way
I would have hoped
Of memories I'd rather forget
Or times I've lost
Nights I can't remember
Or even the ones I couldn't
Make last longer
I can't say my regrets
Will be gone from me truly
I still carry their weight a bit
Though they are not the same
Anchor weighing me down
Like me they have changed
They are my jacket that keeps
Me warm on cold nights
A reminder of times survived
Of laughter had and ahead
I may remember the strangest things
Then forget your name
But for today at least
I will not dwell on these things
Having no shame
I'll go with the flow
Play the cards I'm dealt
But keep a two of spades
Up my sleeve just in case
I'm gonna make the most of
This day
Try not to waste
Another moment on worry
Of what may be
Just make the most of today

Writing Poetry, so often what I do when I should be doing other things...

I'm avoiding homework again
Can't seem to explain why
Just how it is w/ my current
Lack of determination
It's been a frustrating semester
Mostly outside of the one class I'm taking
Many a great time had during the last few months
But also a lot of not feeling well
Of being stressed at work
And confused about what I'm doing
When I say "what", I do mean all of it
Work, home, hobbies, and my time
If I should be doing other things
or doing the same things differently
But again most of that has paled to
Time spent w/ friends & family
and what I have managed to accomplish
So though days like this are heavy and strange
They are the minority, luckily, and I'm working
On remembering that and not focusing on it
Instead concentrating on the better sides
The productive &/or fun stuff

Procrastination
I sit and wait
Like the book
Will open itself
The pencil will move
Of it's own accord.
There is work to be done
Assignments to be completed
Yet I'd rather write about the waves
Then concentrate on my studies
Read about others adventures
Than face my own chores
This is normal I know
To avoid the things we'd
Rather not do
Just as I know
That I need to push through
Find the motivation
So I may enjoy the satisfaction
Of marking another task
Off my to do list
Maybe even find I enjoy it
Once I dive in
Reading odd tales
Running random errands
Writing strange exercises
And being able to say that I
Put in the time & effort needed
Without failing myself or anyone else
So off the computer goes
For now, while I redirect my focus
And do what needs to be done

Frustrations and Fantasies...

Hate that my blog started turning into a journal about resolutions made, then resolutions not kept. To quote my supervisor... "Whatever!" She says that might be one her tombstone, if she has one. My favorite of hers is "I'm so scattered, but such a genius."

Another day not being able to concentrate at work, so many things I'd rather do or places I'd rather be...

These days I wade through
The piles of endless paperwork
And seemingly foolish dreams
I refuse to give in to feeling blue
No matter how hopeless it seems
I will find a shiny bit among the craziness
To urge myself forward and stay
True to myself always
Though in this quotidian world
I must live
For at least four days a week
Of my time only must I give
Into this routine
While my heart will still seek
Something to believe in
To smile about
Even in the darkest nights
Even during the days
That seem to wear me down
Make me want to pull my hair out
To just walk away into the sunset
Leaving everything behind
Even in those moments I can find
Or remember what it's worth
To push forward till better times


For a story I'm writing:

Like treasure sunken in the sea
She hides her secrets
Within her soul
There are some indeed
That should be left
Within their hold
To sleep hidden in the deep
While others must be dredged up
If she is ever to be free
No more pretending, no more lying
No more trying to be something else
Instead believing in herself for once
In what she's seen and done
In what she can be and do

Also for my story, sort of...

The sea gives and the sea takes
It transforms and it destroys
In it's waters it tests us and makes
Us prove ourselves
Strength is great and saves some
But you must bend to the waves
Or you shall be broken by them
If you listen
Her tides will guide you
If you disregard her
She will capsize you
No matter where you are
The oceans' song will not be far
Her voice reaches into our hearts
Whether near the shore or deep
In the city we can hear the roar
And crash that is a calming lullaby
For some and to others
A call to seek adventure and danger
Whether it sooths or excites the mind
Many can not be far from it or find
They grieve for it day and night
For the sea, she is relentless
Though if we listen she teaches us...