Finding My Moxie! Excerpts from my morning diary entry and then some...

I write these words, repeating private notes to share a bit of my heart with anyone who wants to read on.
I do not want anything from anyone who reads this except to share. To express to you, the reader, my fight against old fears. I am not giving in, not giving up and I will continue to fight for what I & those around me need.
The fact is I have been unemployed for a while now. I'm heading into my first extension from the government.
I have taken advantage of the spare time, or forced vacation as many wistfully call it, in both positive & negative ways.
I have given in at times to fears and sloth. Letting bad situations get me down and depress me.
The break has given me abundant time to help both friends and family get through hard days. For me to share wonderful moments & experiences with those I care about. I've had the opportunity to travel to beautiful places. The added ability to try out new things, to take a few classes and to learn from all around me.

I am trying to make the best of this situation. To learn more about myself and what I can do to accomplish my dreams & make new goals. I will have bad days here & there, like anyone, but I will not give up!

Sans Recule Jamais

Life moves forward with or with out you
You can not stop the tides from changing
Though you can predict them better than
How your day may turn out & effect you
I can no longer wait here on the shore
I'm done wading in the shallow end
I'll take my chances with the sharks
If that is what must be
Knowing they're much more rare
Than the wondrous creatures and
Sites that fill this world

We are incredible machines
Our muscles & bones can
Can reform & be redirected after injury
Our emotions are able to adjust
To varied painful & joyful situations
Our heart & soul can stretch
To handle any measure of difficulty
Is able to spread, to love, care & share
To glow from inside & out
Create its own strength & energy
To not only survive but live care free

We all have these gifts
Like we are all hooked up
To an invisible power grid
Its true like our modern facilities
There are brown & black outs
When resources are lessened
Leaving us feeling a bit lost
Times when many are distressed
When many feel weathered & week
But unlike our power plants & generators
Of man made energy created by
God given talents
Or whatever creator within or with out
That you believe in
There is no lack of voltage
In the lines
It will never run out
Though we may have a hard time
Tapping into our own spirit
To feel that electric charge from creative
Energy and compassionate actions
Some feel burned instead of activated
It shocks like static electricity
When we touch a door or person
Making us jump back & retract
We recoil instead of absorbing the force
Letting it strengthen us
We worry that if we connect
Put our heart & soul into it
We will run out
Leaving us drained, depleted & destroyed
But I tell you now
No fuck it, I tell me
I remind, command myself even, to remember
There is nothing to fear
There is no end, no limit, no expiration
It can not be exhausted or extinguished
There will always be resources & support
For those that believe in themselves and
Seek it out, always and forever...


We are not flowers
Cut at the base
In a dry vase
We are predatory birds
That can fly free
We do not need to wilt
Just because the answers
Are far from us
We can stand tall
Like strong far reaching trees
Find strength with in us
To roar like lions fighting for cubs
Find our own paths in the world
With out a map or instructions
Practically with our eyes closed
Like a migratory birds
Flying home after great adventures
Our resources will never be depleted
We can make our own spark
Find the spunk and courage
To move forward
Find wonder and hope
In the darkest of places
Raise your chin
Take in the sun
No matter how cloud
Covered the skies may seem
To you in this moment

Beach Bonfire (version 1 - To be edited)

Dancing in the rain
Forgetting all the pain
Yesterday brought us
Letting go all we feared
As the clouds cleared

We ran through the waves
Getting our jeans wet
Laughing as the sun set
Falling down below the horizon
Throwing shells
Back into the ocean
Who knows what coast
They'll end up on next
We fell down and got sand
All over us
Even in our pockets
Smoke rose up into the air
As fires were lit in circles
Marshmallows in bags
Beers hidden in boxes
We were invited for a round
Serenaded by the sweet sound
Of guy playing his guitar
Making new friends
Wishing the night wouldn't end
Chatting till dawn was near


Not happy w/ this one yet
Need to let it set
For another day...

Small Miracles

The moon hung low
Beyond the construction site
A random piece of debris
Floated twisting a bit at eye level
Some things have to be destroyed
To be built again stronger
There are some mysteries
That are questions we can't answer
Not that I'm saying not to try
But in the flower and it's smell is beauty
That we do not need to find
The reasons for them to be
I want to be as lighthearted as
That bit of foam I saw the winds
Carry so far above the Cliffs of Moher
That it landed softly on our heads
To not let myself be weighted down
By trivial worries that make me frown
Making me pause to think about it
Instead of just laughing about it
I saw a big shooting star pass over
You said it was space trash
I thought that that lessened it a bit
Then I realized how magnificent
If trash can become somebodies wish
That no matter what you believe in
I think putting our hopes out there
Helps us make them come true
If it's at all possible and
I know things that are unlikely
Happen every single day
In all kinds of strange ways
So I think on these things
When I need to find a reason
To smile

Trials and Tribulations

I've made mistakes I'll make again
Learned lessons that I'll have to relearn
Forgotten moments & promises made
I'll laugh till my stomach is in pain
I'll feel my heart burn
Have loved ones come to my aide
While others disappear with out warning
This life is not for the weak of heart
It'll beat you down any chance it gets
Little about it is fair
Yet all around there is beauty & art
Opportunities come from upsets
It doesn't matter how I start
I can't play it too safe with my bets
Nor can I be 'all in' everyday
Playing everything I've got
In no time I'd waste away
But there are things worth being fought for
Even with the risk that they might not stay
There are things that need to be sought out
Instead of waiting for the right day
No one can promise it'll get any easier
That some days won't be hell
That when I try I won't fail
I can't expect anyone to catch me
When I fall down
Nor applaud my actions when
I get back up again
Yet for all my accidents & embarrassments
I know a friend
Is never too far away for too long
Not to be by my side soon
To share in a laugh at my expense
And offer a hand of assistance

Drying Paint

Blood racing around my veins
I feed the cells with various
Nutrition and poisons
Depending what is at hand
There's black paint splattered
On the wall
I don't remember how it got there
I was angry and screaming one day
I was bruised but smiling the next
Sometimes we just don't know
What else to do
Any other way to react
No it doesn't make it right
To beat ourselves up and yell
At the ceiling
Not the best way to react
Yet it seems to work for a spell
If you know a better way tell it
I'll try to retrain my brain
I painted over the stain
But I know it's still there
I know it's secrets
I'm not sure I can keep them
For long

The stars are further away
Now that you've returned
To this place that you
Once knew so well
Not everything has changed
Yet so very much has

Then there is me waiting and
Watching for a meteor shower
Hoping to catch a falling star
And missing the point of it all

Somewhere in the middle we meet
Not knowing what direction to turn
Not really caring either
Just finding our own way to go

We cross paths again and again
We part ways again and again
A little more and not much less
Do we learn as we go

We've changed each other
You and I
Too much or too little
Who can know
Neither one of us has the answers
To the questions that we have

We have our own rhythm
As our breath rises & falls
At dissimilar measures
Our hearts each beat at
Distinctly different tempos
It is yet unseen if we form a
Harmony or create dissonance

There are no right words or actions
I have no final words for you
Though we all hope for a happy ending
I hope the story never comes to a close

Missing a friend...

The sunlight played across your face
It hid the shadows instead of deepening them
Your voice carried on the wind like
A sweet melody and I never heard
All the bitter chords in between the chorus
You never lied to me it's true
There's never a day that I'll rue
Having known you
Can I help that I cared too much
Saw and heard what I wanted to
Now you are far away doing
Your own thing, being you
Things are good here
Everything is fine with me
I'm glad it is also with you
I hear on the wire stories
Of hardships but mostly success
Your voice I think I hear in whispers
Sometimes on the wind
I know you are not gone forever
Maybe a day or years away
Just far enough for a friend
To admit that she misses
You a bit
There are not enough wishes
In the world to change things
Nor should I try to buy
A little more time
Things would be the same again
Down the road I know
But I would walk that line anytime
With you no matter how foolish it is
I would not go back and change
A thing, not a single one
Well I like to think that's true
To not look back with any sorrow
I try not to wonder what you
Think of it all