Bruised Ego

I don't have thick skin
I do my best to hid it
I don't fit in and never have
But I do have friends
I do speak sarcasm
But honestly I don't get it
Half of the time, taking
Others to literally or personally
This is just me and who I am
There are things about me
That I can't explain
Because I change day to day
I'm not cool, my jokes are lame
But I still find a way to make
Others laugh and feel okay
Most of the time
Like the tide my life
Seems to follow certain patterns
Yet nothing is quite the same
From day to day
Friends disappear while others stay
Habits come and go
While repeated mistakes
Cause me bits of strife
Somehow I've learned to not let
The past haunt me or to regret
Anything that has come to pass
Shadows do linger in crass comments
Of bitterness that tries to grow
Like weeds in a garden to be mowed over
I'm easily confused, surprised and amused
But not so easily shocked
Even though it can be frustrating
I like getting lost
I love wild rides and quiet walks
A good story I can get lost in
I do tend to lose sight of things
And the big picture alludes me
I think the best of people
Till I no longer can and even then
I still hold out hope for them
No matter how used I've been
Still at some point I know
I've got to walk away
My mind has been known to stray
My feet to find their own way
Following a path not even I can see
I don't have thick skin
Sometimes I don't even
Bother to hide it
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I'll let you in if I can
But I really can't promise anything

A friend asked "How's Life?"

Life is good
While it's a tangle
Of Aspirations & Inspirations
Detour signs & Road blocks
As frustrating & maddening
As they can be, I like puzzles
So throw at me whatever
You've got & what I can't catch
I'll put the pieces together
Again into a mosaic
Someone somewhere will appreciate
As a work of art
That's how I see my life
When I don't have an umbrella
I'll take the opportunity
To dance in the rain
Till I'm soaked through
And starting to feel a bit miserable
I'll find some sort of shelter
Till the sun comes out again
I'll stop to gander at the rainbows
Till I must wander onward
Into the daylight and through
The dark and wild nights
That's how I see my life
And it's really quite alright
;)

Mini Rant / Random Tui Thoughts of the Week

I had a realization last night in conversation... I haven't worked on writing my stories in a while because it's work. I write poems still pretty often, but those - while sometimes tricky to get the rhythm and wording down- are partly stream of consciousness & mostly just pour out of me. They are not work. I really do want to get more stories written & now realize I have to treat it more like a job. 
So I now that have a "Day Job" I don't have to worry about bills. I can finally tell people where I work, instead that I don't, but try not to act embarrassed that it's back in retail. Yet it's still not answer to "What I Do". Because that answer includes stuff like work at a job & that I write, take lots of photos, do crafts, travel, hang with & help friends & family, go to shows, study anthropology, train in archery, & watch movies... 
It's not a career, but it is my life. 
& I realize it's time to get serious about "Moonlighting" & WORK at making some of my hobbies & dreams more than just that. 
So yeah... ;) 
How's your Saturday? LOL

Truths Spoken In The Moment

I react to what you say
And how it makes me feel
Respond with words that seem real
I don't mean to act so strange
Or to seem so easy to sway
It's just the way I am
Sometimes I'm the ringleader
And sometimes I play along with the game
I don't really care what the rules are
But still I try to follow them most days
Sometimes I hide on the edge of the crowd
Sometimes I am a voice in the middle rowdy
And wild and carefree while riding the waves
If you were to ask if I would stay
I would say yes and it would be true
Till I was ready to go my own way
Because all I really know how to do
Is react to what you say
In the way that feels right in that moment

I don't believe a guy
Should ask a girl
About her morals & motives
Anymore than others think
That he should ask her age
Yet I get asked that all the time
Since my looks are deceptive

My opinions & the way I act
Change from day to day
I do things sometimes that
Others might regret
But I refuse to look back
At anything but the good times
You know my choices
Are mine to make
Even if the outcome is half chance
I still surprise myself from time to time
So I can't tell you what to expect
Or what it is that I want
Out of you or out of life


You ask me what I believe
Truth is that when it
Comes to certain things
It changes from one day
To the next
I think we should be able
To say whatever we want to
But sometimes I can't even believe
The words that come out of
My own mouth
I don't mean to lie, well rarely
But when it comes to somethings
What I want and what I think
Changes with my mood and the
Time of day
So I'm not sure what to say
I'm not sure anything I do
Would be completely true
It's not that I'm trying to be false
But any kind of relationship
Involves a dance not unlike the waltz
We turn in circles taking lead or following
The moves change along with the song
That is being played
Nothing can stay the same
The beat goes onward with occasional
Breaks in between
If it seems to you like I'm dodging
The question it is only because I am lacking
An honest heartfelt response knowing
You deserve some sort of answer
All I can do is change the subject
Would it actually matter if I poured
My heart out to you at this point in time

My thoughts stray to far off places
My vision gets hazy as my gaze
Drifts off to the distant horizon
As I look at nothing in particular
My thoughts set on nothing singular
But a mild mix of chaos and confusion
Of the things that should be done
The days that have past
Of moments of haven't yet occurred

Rough Waters...

It's morning and the world is grey
As usual I don't know what to say
And I'm sure I said all the wrong things
Even if I had my own set of wings
I could not fly away from my troubles
They would follow me through
Air and sea, desert and forest
I must find a way to face them head on
No matter how rough the road may be
There is blue sky peaking through
And a sparkle to the water
A silver lining to every cloud
So while I may not have the right words
I must speak them anyway and face
The outcome if I am to move forward
I may cry to easily sometimes or
Laugh at the wrong moments
Talk a mile a moment or get really quiet
Say things I don't mean unintentionally
Tell the same story three more times
Drink a little too much after not eating enough
Talk too much without really saying anything
But sometimes I can come up with
A perfect one liner to make you smile again
And I'll always be there to pick you up
When you stumble or need a shoulder
To lean on or an ear to listen
I'm not perfect and neither are you
We both know this so I don't know
What we are each running away from
Or what keeps driving us apart
I don't think my mistakes are unforgivable
Nor do your quirks make you undesirable
Time does not heal all wounds
At least not time alone
Some have to be treated and dealt with
Or they will begin to rot and fester
Friendships have been lost for less
But all I can do is say I am sorry
I never meant to cause you harm or worry
Never meant to show you any disrespect
Just trying to my best with the cards
That I have been dealt
Sometimes I make wrong turns and get lost
But I've found that can be the best way
To find roads to places unseen before
So sometimes I wander and stray
Do stupid things and say horrible things
Test the waters or take crazy risks
Maybe it not always the best way to be
Maybe sometimes it's just right
But I am trying to do my best
To learn from my mistakes
To take criticism and take any hit
With a grain of salt, to not be fake
To anyone including myself
So I hope we can find the rainbow
At the end of all of this storm
That when the clouds to clear
We do not simply see destruction
In our wake but possibility and hope
Opportunity and the ability to cope
With whatever obstacle that is thrown
Our way
That we will be better people
For what we've come through

If I don't wake up tomorrow...

Some days I feel like I've made mistakes
That there is no way I'll ever be able to make
Up for even after I am laid down
I still hope someone will be willing to
Give me a proper wake
To toast my life and not fake
Any of the words to relay
The feelings or the thoughts of the day
Will any of them have the guts to
Dance on my grave
I'd applaud a bit of east coast swing
Or even an Irish jig if someone was
Willing to try to pull it off
Am I being to morbid
To mention any of this
Or am I just being clear in the
Hear and the now
As to what I'd would prefer
If some less desirable
Reality were to occur
I'd rather you find some
Silly reason to laugh
Or a good song to listen to
Then to dwell on my loss
I haven't the words to make
It any easier in the least

A few short bits...

I said no more games
So you put away the cards
And got out the dice
Thinking a new set of rules
Would make all the difference
Maybe it would if we weren't
So obsessed with breaking them
And telling lies about what we
Really want out of life
So roll and see if you like
The numbers you read
See if they'll make you happy
I'll be over here blowing bubbles
While I make up a new ending
To this story

The steady trickle of blood
From your bleeding heart
Smells of old pennies and regret
I'm not the answer to the
Questions you won't even ask
No matter you many times
You cut you'll never get
Deep enough to let go
Of all the mistakes of your past
When you see me walking away
Don't call out to me
I can't hear you anymore anyway

Just a hay penny for a dance card
A swirl about the room
A moment so very far
From your daily grind and reality
The song will end soon
But in the meantime you can get
Lost in the music and lights
All it costs is a smile
And just a little change
To get away for a little while

Except for a trick dime
Each coin has two sides
Both can not be seen
At the same time
It may be covered in dirt
Grime and oxidation
But beneath the layers
It is still a shiny dime
Unless irrevocably corroded
We can not show everything
That we are at all times
We don't always mean to
Hide our faces and intentions
Most of us clean up fine
While some would be lost
If they washed away their disguise