All Hallows Eve...

Through the foggy eve at the edge of the forest
You hear the dark witch cackle
As green smoke rises and the fire crackles
Calmly a woman dressed in muted shades
Concentrates on white light as she makes
A salve for a wound and recites a prayer
Of healing at the edge of a lions lair
He's survived the summer heat of the Cali desert
But nearly not a old hunters six shooter
He was lost lonely and afraid
She knew he could not be blamed
The night plays tricks on us all
Listening you can hear the wolfs call
Is it man or creature or both, under the moon
Full it's golden face does not assume
Nor make judgement on those it watches
A little girl trying to sell boxes of matches
But no one can hear her or see her
She is but a chill and a shiver
Her ghostly pale skin is mistaken
For rays of the moons light as she is forsaken
Though there is at least one who has not forgotten
A mother or brother who will always remember
And a candle will be lit on the first of November
There are those that can no longer walk in the sun
For it burns their skin and they are forced to run
From it's warmth forever and those that must
Drink in metals or suffer their bodies turning to rust
Decaying away or choose to live for eternity
Yet scorned for lives marked by severity
For their moods often turn sharp and violent
Most do not understand the gifts they are sent
Hating them or taking them for granted
Some relish them far too greatly taking all wanted
Even when it is not earned, willing to spill blood
Many do not know what they can do till a flood
Of emotions changes their prospective in the heat
Of the moment, hopefully when such a feat
Occurs of bravery or stupidity or both, no one
Is hurt, but lives on even after the day is done
Through the darkness of night when the stars
Decide the fate of our lives from afar
Though they do not really care they just like to tell tall
Tales to each other, knowing they may be next to fall
We dance in the darkness in bright shades and make
Music so loud the dead can not sleep, celebrating a wake
For all those that have passed and no longer
Need to breath or sleep or fear or wander
Though there are some who can not rest
For them we save the wildest and craziest
Dreams and wishes for these become
Their bread and butter, their thread of hope
Till they find what they've been missing
And move on, no longer haunting the living or wishing
For an end

My Bucket List...

I have a bucket list of places I want to go...
This is my top 5...
Hawaii ~ to see my Aunt Patty, hang with my favorite Sister-in-law Denise & search out some beautiful waterfalls. Feel that hot sand and see those spiders and geekos I remember from when I was there when I was only four, also all the other wonderful things that the Islands have to offer...
Italy ~ The food may not be as good as France from what I've been told. However, to see the architecture, the art, the atmosphere... well I don't really know how to say it, but I have to go.
Scotland ~ for many reasons... some of my family was from there, it's beautiful and such, I have friends that were born there and a few that still live there, and I have a short story or maybe full on novel set there.
New Zealand ~ So many reasons but it all starts with the bird and ends with the beer... of course I'd love to see all the amazing landscape that changes rapidly throughout the areas, but really it has to do with my name initially. I really want to see and hear a Tui bird and go to the Tui Brewery, and have lots and lots of Tui lager and Tui Blonde!
New York City ~ However, with 2 special pre-requisites: to go with someone who knows the town and can show me around and w/ a ticket to a Broadway show. It was one thing to go alone to Ireland, I loved it and would do it again in a heartbeat, but to go to the big city ~ the Big Apple, well I just prefer to go with someone who knows the ins and outs of a place that's not so easy to figure out on ones own.

That's my Top Five, don't get me wrong... there are many more places I want to go, many many many more... but those were my top five...

There are many places in the states I want to see: Yosemite, the Carolinas or Maryland during the fall change, Chicago (particularly the underground),Colorado where my GG Grandparents first settled and I have the journal entries about their travels, Salem, MA and WA near the beach where my Uncle Jon lives to start with...

I also very much want to travel to India and many places in it, to go to Morocco, the wonderful all inclusive spot in Jamaica my sister went to, the Caribbean, China where I could find marble stamps with my name on it like my  grandmother did and learn about beautiful art and proverbs, any wonderful blue/green beach, Prague, Beerfest in Munich, the Bone Church in Moscow, the underground of Paris and wonderful little towns with their fabulous food and heritage in Southern France...
aw yes the list could truly go on for quite a while, though that does cover quite a bit.

A few places I'd love to go back to: Ireland and Greece most of all.

That's the start of my bucket list...
I have a few more that have nothing to do with travel:

• Skydive ~ cause how else does one face a fear of flying / falling? 
• Taking an outdoor adventure somewhere like Kenya, the sort where you live off the land or close to it
• Stay in a Castle in Europe, preferably an authentic one thats not horribly run down or really touristy. 
• Publish a Book of my short stories, maybe a novel too or two of my fantasy stories, also a coffee table sort of book of  photos of crazy staircases and interesting reflections
• Write a book of my GG Grandmother K. Brackenbury's travels from England to Colorado then SD
• Own some property
• Publish a poem again
• Have my own business again, even if on the side
• As cheesy as it sounds ~ Fall in love (someday) and have it be mutual.
• Live in The City for a while ~ LA, SF, or NY would count... SD doesn't, though it'll aways be my home
• If I never have kids (which I'm not totally ruling out, but it isn't likely) know I've helped a few a long the way at having life a bit better
• Always find time time here and there to volunteer with some great events & causes.
• Go to New Orleans for Marde Gras
• A cross country (or close) road trip with friends, a crazy trip or a few to Vegas too. Going w/ boyfriends is so boring, at least the idiots I've dated.
• Get a Credit in a Movie ~ why the F' not, it's a freak'n bucket list! Though as a PA or DA would suit me quite well
• Since I'm going there ~ go to the Playboy Mansion for a party, preferably Halloween

That's all I can think of for now, it's pretty personal (meaning there's lots of things I would want to happen for other people, but that has nothing to do w/ a bucket list) and there definitely a few things I could add, but it's pretty good for a start ;)  

This suits me pretty well...

I could add things about my hobbies and my art but they are ever changing and evolving... 

About my career, well for now that's about money, though part of my bucket list (if I would be truly honest) would be to find something to do to make money that I love to do... but for now~ doing work with good people that affords me time to do things I love and makes me just enough money to do them, well that's pretty damned good indeed!

F*#k,  as I told somebody last week, at one point many years ago my biggest goal was just to have a job with no damned name tag. I love my oddball name, truly, though it can be very annoying at times. You ever try having to repeat the story or meaning to your name every 4.5 minutes throughout an 8 hr shift day to day, over and over again? It's awfully frustrating, no matter how sure of yourself you are or who you might be, it can still be nerve-racking at times. 

I'm always L8... (9/29/2010 Midnight-ish)

I've decided it's a good thing in general... To start with I'll be late for my own death.

Sometimes it actually works out for the better and sometimes it pisses people off. I'm rarely so late that it holds other people up much. Though trying their patience, I'm sure I do at times.

Facebook Posts: 
"I'm always L8! I know it, hah! LOL. Just got pics up from last Wednesday's Muse Concert. Pics from this weekends Bellydance Cruise tomorrow night most likely, though a bit of sorting and editing to do still. Good times, now I desperately need to crash soon, damn it's late."

"Speaking of always being late... didn't leave work soon enough and missed Christa's class. Ended up following a beautiful sunset to the ocean... parking at Tourmaline & walking down past Crystal Pier, nearly to Belmont Park, then back while watching the end of the sunset and part of a cool lighting storm over the water. Good way to end the day... Then channel surfing and picture editing & posting. Now bed, finally."

See the above paragraph is a time it worked out quite well. Though it sucks that I missed another class. I saw an amazing sunset, didn't crash while watching it and driving. Got to see the end of it at one of my favorite places while watching the surfers come in by the dozens. Then went for a walk for over an hour, while watching a lighting storm. Good exercise and a free show.


Oh, Yes, Bed... still not there. Wishing I had energy drinks for tomorrow but I left those in my friends car... bed, now there's something I'm never on time for, unless I'm very early.  


Sometimes, like at work... I'll set something aside to do later, or lets be honest forget... and it ends up that it was way better that it wasn't done yet. Or they realize that I'm busy and luckily I've proven that I'll get to it later. Though as for me being late to work 1) I'm lucky they don't really care 2) I do kind of make my own schedule, but supposed to stick to what I say I'll do and come in when I say I will... 


Sure I stress my self out needlessly at times, running so close to the clock, not giving myself enough time. Not sure if I know how to change it, or if I care enough to try. Like I said sometimes it really does work out for the best, more often than not actually. 


I'm not sure it's simply that I'm always running late, or do to many things when I should be focusing, or just let myself space out all together and lose track... no I think that my whole concept of time is skewed. I don't think there's any changing that unless I try to rewire my whole thinking process and approach to life... and, well, it sounds kind of painful and honestly unnecessary. So, um, Blargh! Hah, not gonna do it. Not gonna change and confirm. When I really have to be somewhere at a very specific time, I'm there nearly on the dot or even before. If someone needs me I do my best to be there as soon as Tui possible. But I run on a different clock. Some days take years and some years take days....


Ack, all this talk of time I'll end up having near nightmares dreaming of clocks coming apart and getting all twisted up. Or maybe of popsicles, or ... 


One last silly example of my problem with time... 
The Morning Routine: (something I'll have to deal with far too soon)... you have all these things you "need" to do to get ready: Brush teeth, brush & style hair, put on make-up (if yr female, maybe even if not) eat breakfast, get dressed appropriately, pack a lunch, answer the phone is someone calls, check emails, put on deodorant, water the plants or do the dishes, feed the cats, try to exercise some... it's almost exhausting just thinking of it. Wow, imagine people who have kids... ugh, sorry I don't want to. Anyway my point is: too me, no matter when I wake up, it's never enough time to do all that needs to be done and there is no way I'm going to remember to do all of it anyway. Just saying.


So my bit of wisdom or advice: 
Do what you do. Some days try to challenge yourself to do more, or different things, & faster. Some days know that doing very little is fine too. Either way be happy w/ what you do. If you're really not happy then something needs to change. If you're a tad frustrated & stressed, well damned all welcome to the club, you have it better then most!


Oh, one more thing before I do crash... 
It's never too late! If it is too late for a particular thing then it wasn't meant to happen and something else will come up. Doesn't mean hesitate, not at all, grab for what you want dammit! But it's never too late to do what you want, go on that trip, find what you're looking for, and have a fan-f#*king-tasticly abso-f*#king-lutely epic and wonderful time. 


Now, I'm going to try to have this positive pollyanna-who-cusses-almost-like-a-sailor-with-a-smile good attitude carry me through my lack of sleep work day tomorrow.

Late night confessions...

It's true under enough stress
I might indeed be willing to confess
All of my unfortunate regrets to
A complete stranger met in a dark bar
On a dark night when trying to get far
Away form my worries and cares
But remember, only those that have fared
The hard times with me and shown they really care
Will ever have the chance the know my hearts desires
To ever glimpse the fire that burns with in

I've faced the bottom of a bottle
And known what to do, I won't lie
I go to the bar and order another two or three
I've gone plenty of days dry
Generally I know when it's best to leave
Some days a drink is the best cure for the blues
But there's plenty of other ways to sooth
A worried mind for sure and escape
Is of course very temporary
But laughs with friends no matter what state
Of mind you're in or where you are
Is truly the greatest way to get far away
From a bad mood

Do you kiss your mom with that dirty mouth
Boy don't think I believe any of your lies
There's no way I'm ever going south
For you or even giving you the time of day
If you knew what was best for you now
You would be turning around and walking away

I won't lie to you I've played the fool
More than once I've dated a total tool
Assholes who didn't give back half of what I gave
So I've been learning to take a step back and save
The best parts of me till I know more than
Whether or not they are charming and
Reasonably good in bed
I'm not a feminist for fucks sake, I want
A gentleman who will open the door
For me, but one that doesn't think I can't
Do it for myself, Rub my sore spots
When I ask, and even when I don't
Because I would do it for him
I'm tired of just skimming from the top
Being okay with a few good bits
Instead of being willing to just stop
To walk away and play the field
Till a guy comes along that's worth
Me laying down my shield
Because I won't have to change, just put forth
My own quirky attitude and strange
Approach to the world
Till then I'm trying not to be sold
On any damned fool

Chiaroscuro...

The sun disguised itself as the moon

To hide for an afternoon

I looked down as I walked and 

I was not fooled

Well maybe for a moment

The day had been the hazy sort that sent 

Thoughts in all directions

Making you want to do everything 

Or stay in bed, be lazy, and do nothing

Except have happy recollections

I had watched the waves curling 

While surfers rode them as best they could

The sets were coming in small and the tide swirling some

The water was a dark blue grey on the surface

But a lovely aqua green within the ocean swells

Old surfers that are young at heart kept pace

With the tides, their hearts beating strong and well

On my walk away from the sandy beach

I looked down and was reminded 

How we can find things that have such a stark

Contrast to one another, light and dark

A grey day but with so many bright parts

A dirty dark street making such a pretty picture

Water reflecting the trees being moved by the breeze

The sun momentarily as an unmoving fixture 

That looks like the moon in it's silver shade

Due to the overcast marine layer that made

The day only appear quite dreary 

Remembering Sept. 11th 2001

Not a poem, just a recollection

9 years and 2 days ago I woke up to the radio
I think it was Rock 105, but it could have been 91X
Either way I was barely awake when my mind
Started putting the pieces together of what I was hearing
Part of me thought I might still be dreaming
But mostly what I thought, and as awful as it my sound,
What still makes me laugh the slightest bit at the thought
Was that it was a modern version of War of the Worlds
A Djs new take on Orson Welles spoof done in 1938
Simplified- really what are terrorists but illegal aliens that want
To bring fear and destruction to our country
Truly I thought they were going to go through the whole thing
Then at the end we would find that it was all made up
That it was an article or short story that someone had written
If only that were true, if only those deaths could have been
In someones imagination and not part of one of this countries
Greatest tragedies, indeed we can not pretend it didn't happen
I did not wake up to find it was some strange awful dream
I was already up and went to work and did very little work
There was little to do, our part of the world was on pause
Waiting and listening to the radio or TV to learn just
How bad it was, just what had happened
Not that we'll ever have the whole true story
I felt the world pause again about a week later
I was in OB at their farmers' market
Which lies under Lindbergh Field's primary
Route to almost any destination for almost every air line
All flights had been grounded the day of the attacks
As it stayed for days and very few flights allowed after that for weeks
I was sampling the local fare of workers who could not afford
To have their lives on pause for too long
When a plane went overhead, it's quite a sound in that part of town
But that day the astonishing sound was the eerie silence that came
Over those there in the street, No one moved except to look up
I lost no one in the towers,
Though I felt for those that did and those that passed
Though I knew none personally, those lost are carried in my memory
I believe the best way to honor, them beyond never forgetting
Is to refuse to live in fear
To lend a hand to others when we can
& Live our lives to the fullest as best we can
That is all we can do for those that are no more

We are human after all...

Most of us, at least the Crazy wonderful people I know and love

Are very unlike animals, we go beyond just living to survive

Though it is often paycheck to paycheck, similar to meal to meal

We find adventures to have and altruistic projects to take on

One of the things about being human is the consistent

Utter lack of consistency and persistent 

Change from day to day, From mood to activity

Switching from a Fabulous Hot Mess

To frustrated disaster spiraling into misery

Only to switch back sometimes almost instantly

Certainly many of us get stuck in ruts of monotony

Some are content with living in a blur of disengagement

I cherish the roller coaster and living for the moment

Sometimes it can be weary and exhausting

I've learned to lean on friends when I'm finding 

Myself lost, to pick me up, turn up the radio 

Get me dancing and singing and losing myself 

In the best sort of way

Sure there is some routine in the day to day

No matter who you are, and it is best to stay

True to who you are, no matter what others say

Have fun and live your own way

Feel free to fuck up and fall down

To need to scream or be totally silly

We are human after all...