Frustrations and Fantasies...

Hate that my blog started turning into a journal about resolutions made, then resolutions not kept. To quote my supervisor... "Whatever!" She says that might be one her tombstone, if she has one. My favorite of hers is "I'm so scattered, but such a genius."

Another day not being able to concentrate at work, so many things I'd rather do or places I'd rather be...

These days I wade through
The piles of endless paperwork
And seemingly foolish dreams
I refuse to give in to feeling blue
No matter how hopeless it seems
I will find a shiny bit among the craziness
To urge myself forward and stay
True to myself always
Though in this quotidian world
I must live
For at least four days a week
Of my time only must I give
Into this routine
While my heart will still seek
Something to believe in
To smile about
Even in the darkest nights
Even during the days
That seem to wear me down
Make me want to pull my hair out
To just walk away into the sunset
Leaving everything behind
Even in those moments I can find
Or remember what it's worth
To push forward till better times


For a story I'm writing:

Like treasure sunken in the sea
She hides her secrets
Within her soul
There are some indeed
That should be left
Within their hold
To sleep hidden in the deep
While others must be dredged up
If she is ever to be free
No more pretending, no more lying
No more trying to be something else
Instead believing in herself for once
In what she's seen and done
In what she can be and do

Also for my story, sort of...

The sea gives and the sea takes
It transforms and it destroys
In it's waters it tests us and makes
Us prove ourselves
Strength is great and saves some
But you must bend to the waves
Or you shall be broken by them
If you listen
Her tides will guide you
If you disregard her
She will capsize you
No matter where you are
The oceans' song will not be far
Her voice reaches into our hearts
Whether near the shore or deep
In the city we can hear the roar
And crash that is a calming lullaby
For some and to others
A call to seek adventure and danger
Whether it sooths or excites the mind
Many can not be far from it or find
They grieve for it day and night
For the sea, she is relentless
Though if we listen she teaches us...

Journal Entry, Here I am...

Online Journal Entry

So I have thus failed at most of my New Years Resolutions. What are they really? Rules made to be broken or guidelines to push us and succeed by? Or, as is so common with me, a mixture of both.

No I haven't written each day. I have been writing more in the last few months than possibly in the last 5 years. Well, there was that burst at the beginning of the year before. So maybe I've written more in the last year or two than I had in ten. Either way, I still mean to keep a journal and work on trying to write nearly everyday and get some stories written.
A means to an end: I have gone back to school. It's sounds funny that way, I'm just taking one class. I'm in my third week of Fundamentals of Fiction.
Already I've gone through a comedy of errors, as is my way, to state it simply and quite honestly. If I said I didn't like it I'd always be at least half lying... because maybe my teacher is right, stories need conflict.
So the book I ordered though Amazon has been traveling around the US more than I have since I was 14. It first went from Chicago to New Jersey (hey my dad was born there, somewhere), then to Carson City and arrived in San Diego. After over a week of waiting I was like "finally it's here".
Ah, to no avail... it somehow was shipped out to New York where it did some sightseeing (or resting in the postal office confused) to be shipped back to San Diego many days later. I am still waiting & hoping it will arrive. I have since bought a book at the used bookseller for twice as much, that I have to return today if I hope to get my money back. Oh yes, in the middle I am still sick, stressed out by work, and getting frustrated by it all. Yet I have this desire to create and this almost disgustingly warm fuzzy internal feeling of optimism that I'm doing the right things for the most part, that I'll get better, get out have fun, stay in write or paint, and it will all work out. The only problem is know which way to go now. Stay in bed & hope that will rid me of infection. Pull out the table & a craft project. Go hang out with friends. Go to work and slosh through the paperwork, scheduling & phone calls. Or sit in front of the computer & write.
Well whatever the order... here I am...
I'm not staring aimlessly into a TV or a blank page (or screen) welling up with depression & regret. I'm moving forward. Um, yes, I did get caught up on two TV show episodes earlier, but I was also eating breakfast, drinking tea & taking my vitamins. Ah the life right... LOL
None the less... as I said, Here I Am... moving forward, not yet where I want to be maybe but where I need to be & oddly happy about it, all things considered.

Now...

New Years Begins...

Big decisions made 

The voucher is now paid

A bit more debt collected

My thoughts dissected

Over and over again

Finally I conclude to abstain

From weighing the pros and cons

No matter I have done tons

Of research, thought about it enough

Isn't it the time to sluff

Off worries & fears 

It is a New Year

Some things will indeed change 

Almost overnight as strange 

And impossible as it may seem

Others will be like a planted seed

That sits in the ground unseen

When you can not tell if anything 

Is happening because it is nothing

But slow progression and yet

It is indeed a movement and can set

So many things in motion

A sentence here or there or a notion

Of confidence growing stronger

As a paragraph becomes a page

Soon so many fears are no longer

Such a worry to you

Little things can change a blue 

Sort of day around and before you 

Know it it's an amazing year

Rain may be falling but the sky will clear

I will see it like never before soon

The shinning stars & bright moon

The beauty of sunset before nightfall

I'll share them all with you all

As well as the words that fall

From inspiration to my hands

A good lesson from the past stands

Amongst bad memories that great 

Things come not because we wait

Or rush through things, but from believing

In ourselves and following our hearts

So, I've decided to get Lasik. 

Also, that I'm not yet going to try to regiment my time for writing. I had this idea to try to schedule certain times of day. I may still. It seems so hard to get myself to sit and plug away at finishing stories I've started. I'm tired of them having beginnings and no endings. Also I decided that my whole thing of writing every day is not exclusive to the blog. So I am not going to try to get myself to blog everyday. As this is a creative outlet for me and I don't want it to turn into some weird personal diary that I share with the world. The stories I have started, those that aren't just in my head, they are on my computer already. So days I work on them I probably won't add anything here. I know this is seeming pretty diary like, but eh whatever. Point is that I am working on making some changes, or at least continuing some things I've started. I am okay if some of that change/progression happens slowly and some of it fast. It's not that I'm not looking for balance, just trying not to force things too much, nor let my self get stagnant ever again.

Other than this cold... I think I'm off to a pretty grand start. :)

It's a New Year & A New Day...

Lot's of rest, a good movie, part of a good book & some great music. A quiet New Years Day, still trying to get rid of a cold. Lot's of tea, water & relaxing. Yes, it's late. I can't seem to help it even with a cold & chamomile tea. Just can't seem to get myself to go to bed before midnight these days, let alone 1-2am. I need to work on that I suppose to make work days easier & fight future colds. They do say one does better with more sleep. You see... tomorrow I can sleep in & the day after too, that's part of what makes it so hard because then Tuesday morning will come & I have to get up & go to work. I'll do it & be nearly on time...
Anyway I'm rambling & it's late so I'll get to the point, even with this damned cold & being limited by it;
It's still been a good day.
With a bit of determination to take care of myself first & then work on some goals, I'll get over this cold & soon be starting this year right... it's gonna be great.
I know staying up so late is maybe not the best start, but eh Rome wasn't built in a day & I'm not going to change over night. Some habits die hard, what can I say... but I'll work on setting back the clock an hour or two if ya know what I mean, for my health. In other words -
I add one more New Years resolution: I'll work on getting to bed before midnight so I can get more sleep. Except on the days where it's worth it of course. ;)

In a way I suppose I have
Already failed on my resolution
To write each day to pave the way
To sharing my stories & a solution
Of sorts to abating some of my fears
That is, if I considered midnight the transition
Point to the next day
Technically yes it's tomorrow and I did not
Write a word yesterday
Unless you count emails & texts
But nothing creative, not yet
The fact is I don't consider it the next
Day until morning & that time
In my opinion does not start
Till the light of dawn approaches
Night is marked by darkness
Though truly I should try harder
To get to bed sooner
To have all the things I mean to do
Done long before this late hour
If indeed I also I wish to
Get enough sleep & be well
So either way I have now written
A few arbitrary words to quell
The urge that has bitten me
To keep this promise you see
Don't worry I shall
Try to get started earlier on
Now I bid you Good Night
& Sweet Dreams my friend

Oh, one last observation before I go: I've noticed I'm not used to doing anything with out music on, or the TV, though mostly music. The only time I'm with out any kind of back ground noise, the good kind of course & not the stuff you can help, is sometimes when I write to make it easier to concentrate on my own thoughts & when I sleep. Other wise I prefer there to be some music in the back ground. Especially if I'm cleaning, I'm so much more productive w/ a beat going.
With that last thought I bid you adieu. :)

New Years Resolutions...

Continue to keep promises made to myself:
Take care of myself above all else.
Don't let anyone else's negativity bring me down.
Find ways to help the world around me with out sacrificing anything of myself but my time.
Sharing my love only with those who will return it, but sharing kindness even with those who won't.
Just fuckin' have fun and smile, damn the hard times or colds... they won't bring me down (at least not for long).

Last year I set a few goals, some consciously some not quite so, and I managed to achieve most of them:

• I got rid of a weight holding me back & down (projected white light, as my mom would say, that he finds his way some day) and I moved on.
• I got out & hung out w/ my friends more, went to some truly epic fun events. 
• Made new friends, cemented old & new relationships into stronger ones & reconnected with lost friends. 
• Got back into photography more but made sure that I was in some of them this time. That I won't be a photographer outside the circle, hovering with out being part of it. And I have plenty of fun pictures now to share with friends, family & even maybe get invited to the playboy mansion. Don't know why I want to go, I am totally heterosexual, but it's just the epitome of Hollywood, it's like the Graceland of Hollywood I think. 
• I got into dancing into exercising more & really loved it. 
• Got into costuming and made a couple of really cool costumes w/ tons & tons of help from my mom.

This year:
Just more of the same really, plus a bit ...

• Continue to not worry bout being single, my romance, or many romances will come my way when I ain't looking for it. You know watch pots don't boil. Haha. Don't you love my mixing of bad English and strange analogies? Well I do!!!
• Keep exercising - I totally slacked off the last few months of this year. There were many reasons, but dammit I liked it when my stomach looked as good when I sat down & when I just felt more fit. Which is really what it's about, I don't care if I lose 20 lbs or only 5lbs, but I do want to feel fine when I walk up a few flights of stairs or hike up a hill.
• Find time to go to fun events, spending time w/ friends and family & taking time for myself too. 
• Find a balance between going out & taking care of my health. Though this one, I'm only so dedicated to - I'm only 33 & not settled down & believe in everything in moderation including moderation. So some days anything goes & that's just the way it is!
• Figure out & maintain this allergy stuff so it doesn't hold me back!
• Plan & go on a couple of longer farther away trips... specifically Hawaii, Vegas, N. Cal including SF & SC, Arizona & later in the year Florida to see my baby great niece. If all of these doesn't happen next year, that's fine. However, I mean to have most of them happen. Depends on a few things of course... if we get our bonus at work, how good my tax return is & if I decide to get Lasek Surgery and if that really puts me in too tight a spot financially. I really really want to not wear glasses & would sacrifice a few of those trips for that. Just have to decide that I think it's safe & if it is then it's an investment in my future. So... hmmm, this one is definitely a work in progress, as they all are. Oh & Italy in 1-1 1/2 yrs.
• Learn to sew.
• Finish my mom's complicated but awesome Christmas present in the next month. I did not have time to finish it on time, but I got a couple of good replacements gifts to give her & to buy me some time. 
• Work on being more focused when I'm work, it may be a 60%+ desk job & not what I want to do for my whole life, but I can't let that deter me from putting in at least 90-104% while I'm there because I'm damn lucky to have a job right now that treats me so well.

• Okay now here's the BIGGY, that one that's really important to me right now, though they really all are, but this is one I've said I'd do for years now and keep putting off. This blog is a step in the right direction & I have a few other ideas going... START WRITING EVERYDAY (at least 6 out of 7 days a week, aren't I so determined, hah!) Really I want to get down to it, it's one thing that's always made me feel better when I'm blue, or frustrated, or have The Mean Reds (if you don't know what they are you NEED to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's). I've had some good story ideas in my head for ages but not the guts to get them written down, because they don't seem do come out right when I write them out. But dammit I've got to stop acting like I'm going to get it right the first time and stop being afraid. So whether if it's poetry or just silly stuff that's gone on during the day, I just want to get myself to write everyday. So soon I can get past those idiotic fears that I can't help but I can fight & I will indeed flesh out those stories & find my way to more. 
• Part II of the writing more is that I will redo my photo from my trip to Europe (it was damaged in a broken fish tank incident) & in the process will write a blog on the adventures & crazy times had while away. Firelight Fiction Travel Tales coming soon!!!

Alright time to dry my hair and ditch this Popsicle stand. I'm still sniffly from my latest sinus infection but I refuse to stay in the house alone on New Years Eve. I just won't go be crazy, not tonight at least. Ally is being sweet right now too... laying next to me on the couch with her head on my lap, makes it hard to get up and get ready when she's being so cute. Cats can be so stand offish at times it's nice when they show they're needy but not greedy side. She probably knows I'm ditching her soon. But I'll be home in the morning & the kitties will be fine while I'm away.

Happy New Years!!! May 2011 bring some truly wonderful experiences & very few stressful situations.  

Fighting a cold & feeding my soul

I have this oddball obsession with spirals
No you don't have worry it's not viral
I keep getting a this darn cold
Still I'm not ready to give up & fold
Give me a crazy idea & I'm sold
Yet I can't seem to decide on anything
So don't bother offering me a ring
Unless it's made of hard candy
One of raspberry would be dandy
Then my tongue would be red
Instead of pink a color I dread
Just passing time playing with words
Like kids slaying each other with fake swords
Sometimes we have to find any way
To have some fun while the sun is away
Stuck inside while the wind whips wildly
Strange weather is putting it mildly
The sort that puts one in the oddest of moods
Makes you think of getting lost in the woods
Or trying to sate your appetite with weird foods
Of adventures far away where nothing
Looks the same and there's always something
New to do or see in places far away
Though sometimes it can be nice to stay
In one place and enjoy quiet moments of nothing
Thinking of all the places you could be
The people you could meet and things to see
And not having to be anywhere but home relaxing
Writing silly words and listing to the wind whipping
Outside and being warm inside and being able
To smile at silly thoughts & dreaming up a fable
About someone somewhere who feels perfectly fine
After a bit of rest that story will soon be mine

Been a while...

Time has flown by so fast again

I know it's no excuse, no reason

Not for me to say I had 

Any right to not write you before now

To let another season pass

It's always what I've said in the past

Empty excuses & small white lies followed

By empty sorrow for time past 

With out your presence 

Whether of body or voice or heart

We live our lives like bees or dragonflies

So busy & so used to buzzing about 

That we don't know how to stop 

To just enjoy each other while we can

I can only be who I am & I've ran 

From myself plenty of times before

It gets me nowhere - but in messy circles

I can cross my heart with threat of 

Poked out eyes

 That I will stop

 To say Hi

I will try to pause to look at the stars 

To look at your face and remember your eyes

Their color
Maybe even the words 

Written in them, those that float up from your soul

Your expression and the graceful way you say certain things

Or the silly stuff you do when you think

No one is looking

I can promise, but I am me & a crazy fool 

Most days of the week