Mini Rant / Random Tui Thoughts of the Week

I had a realization last night in conversation... I haven't worked on writing my stories in a while because it's work. I write poems still pretty often, but those - while sometimes tricky to get the rhythm and wording down- are partly stream of consciousness & mostly just pour out of me. They are not work. I really do want to get more stories written & now realize I have to treat it more like a job. 
So I now that have a "Day Job" I don't have to worry about bills. I can finally tell people where I work, instead that I don't, but try not to act embarrassed that it's back in retail. Yet it's still not answer to "What I Do". Because that answer includes stuff like work at a job & that I write, take lots of photos, do crafts, travel, hang with & help friends & family, go to shows, study anthropology, train in archery, & watch movies... 
It's not a career, but it is my life. 
& I realize it's time to get serious about "Moonlighting" & WORK at making some of my hobbies & dreams more than just that. 
So yeah... ;) 
How's your Saturday? LOL

Truths Spoken In The Moment

I react to what you say
And how it makes me feel
Respond with words that seem real
I don't mean to act so strange
Or to seem so easy to sway
It's just the way I am
Sometimes I'm the ringleader
And sometimes I play along with the game
I don't really care what the rules are
But still I try to follow them most days
Sometimes I hide on the edge of the crowd
Sometimes I am a voice in the middle rowdy
And wild and carefree while riding the waves
If you were to ask if I would stay
I would say yes and it would be true
Till I was ready to go my own way
Because all I really know how to do
Is react to what you say
In the way that feels right in that moment

I don't believe a guy
Should ask a girl
About her morals & motives
Anymore than others think
That he should ask her age
Yet I get asked that all the time
Since my looks are deceptive

My opinions & the way I act
Change from day to day
I do things sometimes that
Others might regret
But I refuse to look back
At anything but the good times
You know my choices
Are mine to make
Even if the outcome is half chance
I still surprise myself from time to time
So I can't tell you what to expect
Or what it is that I want
Out of you or out of life


You ask me what I believe
Truth is that when it
Comes to certain things
It changes from one day
To the next
I think we should be able
To say whatever we want to
But sometimes I can't even believe
The words that come out of
My own mouth
I don't mean to lie, well rarely
But when it comes to somethings
What I want and what I think
Changes with my mood and the
Time of day
So I'm not sure what to say
I'm not sure anything I do
Would be completely true
It's not that I'm trying to be false
But any kind of relationship
Involves a dance not unlike the waltz
We turn in circles taking lead or following
The moves change along with the song
That is being played
Nothing can stay the same
The beat goes onward with occasional
Breaks in between
If it seems to you like I'm dodging
The question it is only because I am lacking
An honest heartfelt response knowing
You deserve some sort of answer
All I can do is change the subject
Would it actually matter if I poured
My heart out to you at this point in time

My thoughts stray to far off places
My vision gets hazy as my gaze
Drifts off to the distant horizon
As I look at nothing in particular
My thoughts set on nothing singular
But a mild mix of chaos and confusion
Of the things that should be done
The days that have past
Of moments of haven't yet occurred

Rough Waters...

It's morning and the world is grey
As usual I don't know what to say
And I'm sure I said all the wrong things
Even if I had my own set of wings
I could not fly away from my troubles
They would follow me through
Air and sea, desert and forest
I must find a way to face them head on
No matter how rough the road may be
There is blue sky peaking through
And a sparkle to the water
A silver lining to every cloud
So while I may not have the right words
I must speak them anyway and face
The outcome if I am to move forward
I may cry to easily sometimes or
Laugh at the wrong moments
Talk a mile a moment or get really quiet
Say things I don't mean unintentionally
Tell the same story three more times
Drink a little too much after not eating enough
Talk too much without really saying anything
But sometimes I can come up with
A perfect one liner to make you smile again
And I'll always be there to pick you up
When you stumble or need a shoulder
To lean on or an ear to listen
I'm not perfect and neither are you
We both know this so I don't know
What we are each running away from
Or what keeps driving us apart
I don't think my mistakes are unforgivable
Nor do your quirks make you undesirable
Time does not heal all wounds
At least not time alone
Some have to be treated and dealt with
Or they will begin to rot and fester
Friendships have been lost for less
But all I can do is say I am sorry
I never meant to cause you harm or worry
Never meant to show you any disrespect
Just trying to my best with the cards
That I have been dealt
Sometimes I make wrong turns and get lost
But I've found that can be the best way
To find roads to places unseen before
So sometimes I wander and stray
Do stupid things and say horrible things
Test the waters or take crazy risks
Maybe it not always the best way to be
Maybe sometimes it's just right
But I am trying to do my best
To learn from my mistakes
To take criticism and take any hit
With a grain of salt, to not be fake
To anyone including myself
So I hope we can find the rainbow
At the end of all of this storm
That when the clouds to clear
We do not simply see destruction
In our wake but possibility and hope
Opportunity and the ability to cope
With whatever obstacle that is thrown
Our way
That we will be better people
For what we've come through

If I don't wake up tomorrow...

Some days I feel like I've made mistakes
That there is no way I'll ever be able to make
Up for even after I am laid down
I still hope someone will be willing to
Give me a proper wake
To toast my life and not fake
Any of the words to relay
The feelings or the thoughts of the day
Will any of them have the guts to
Dance on my grave
I'd applaud a bit of east coast swing
Or even an Irish jig if someone was
Willing to try to pull it off
Am I being to morbid
To mention any of this
Or am I just being clear in the
Hear and the now
As to what I'd would prefer
If some less desirable
Reality were to occur
I'd rather you find some
Silly reason to laugh
Or a good song to listen to
Then to dwell on my loss
I haven't the words to make
It any easier in the least

A few short bits...

I said no more games
So you put away the cards
And got out the dice
Thinking a new set of rules
Would make all the difference
Maybe it would if we weren't
So obsessed with breaking them
And telling lies about what we
Really want out of life
So roll and see if you like
The numbers you read
See if they'll make you happy
I'll be over here blowing bubbles
While I make up a new ending
To this story

The steady trickle of blood
From your bleeding heart
Smells of old pennies and regret
I'm not the answer to the
Questions you won't even ask
No matter you many times
You cut you'll never get
Deep enough to let go
Of all the mistakes of your past
When you see me walking away
Don't call out to me
I can't hear you anymore anyway

Just a hay penny for a dance card
A swirl about the room
A moment so very far
From your daily grind and reality
The song will end soon
But in the meantime you can get
Lost in the music and lights
All it costs is a smile
And just a little change
To get away for a little while

Except for a trick dime
Each coin has two sides
Both can not be seen
At the same time
It may be covered in dirt
Grime and oxidation
But beneath the layers
It is still a shiny dime
Unless irrevocably corroded
We can not show everything
That we are at all times
We don't always mean to
Hide our faces and intentions
Most of us clean up fine
While some would be lost
If they washed away their disguise

Good Night, Till morning...

The sun will shine when morning comes
Whether it is hidden by clouds
Whether or not you call
I'll rise and if it is a work day
I'll get myself ready for what's ahead
If it's not then I'll dance or read
Maybe run errands that need to be ran
I'll twirl around to the sound of a song
Only I can hear
Sometimes I'll wish you were near
Maybe even fear the worst
Because that's how I was raised
A bunch of worry warts in my family
But then I'll watch a hummingbird feed
I'll see a ray of light pass through
And I'll walk on listening to that song
Only I can hear
I'll step off the edge with no fear
Make wishes on dandelions in the day
And on the stars in the night time
Throw coins into wells and fountains
Leap into things that I shouldn't
Walk out onto the hot sand
Knowing soon I'll stand in cool waters
What am I trying to say
You will ask me one day
I won't have an answer
If you can deal with that then
I know we'll be alright
So for now I'll just say good night
Knowing the sun will rise
In the sky tomorrow
And even if it's grey, it'll be okay

Daily Life...

The dagger wavers above me
Trying to be threatening but failing
Don't get me wrong my dear
It's point is sharp and could be deadly
But I have chosen life just like
That folktale that I'm sure I
Have managed to remember wrong
The one about the king that could not be
Unless he understood that his throne
Sat beneath a sword that could fall
At anytime, or something like that
It was the responsibility of his people
That he took on along with the fact
That many would hate and fear him
Others still would try to kill him
Just for his the luxory of his position
I've looked for the story
It's not that far off from what I thought
Some bits though are quite different
I find the anecdote fits here
We all know if we choose life
That also means accepting death
So to speak
To know it could be tomorrow
But then again it might not be
But just in case why not live
Every moment like it could be
Be nice, laugh, risk something
So what if the person I'm with
Is crazy, if they make me smile
So what if I spend the day alone
Drawing silly faces on a stone
If it makes me feel good inside
Tomorrow we'll find the end
Of the rainbow and wander into
The theater to see the end of three movies
We'll stay on the ride when they tell us
It's time to get off & just hang on tighter
Cry till we are screaming into the night
Scream till we are laughing at the day light
I know there are dangers around each corner
I know the earth may shake or the store
May be robbed and something might go bang
Sometimes I still jump because the phone rang
Early one morning with dark words
Maybe it's just the surprise of the sound
They say the pen can be more deadly than a sword
The way what we say can cut right through to
Our hearts and wrap our minds all around
I could step out my door to my doom
Or I could find in my heart a bit of room
For another if they were to reach out
So I know there is a dagger hanging about me
Trying to threaten me day in and out
But it's edge sparkles with the light of the sun and moon
And I don't care that one day it'll strike
If in the mean time I manage to live this life