Monday, January 3, 2011

New Years Begins...

Big decisions made 
The voucher is now paid
A bit more debt collected
My thoughts dissected
Over and over again
Finally I conclude to abstain
From weighing the pros and cons
No matter I have done tons
Of research, thought about it enough
Isn't it the time to sluff
Off worries & fears 
It is a New Year
Some things will indeed change 
Almost overnight as strange 
And impossible as it may seem
Others will be like a planted seed
That sits in the ground unseen
When you can not tell if anything 
Is happening because it is nothing
But slow progression and yet
It is indeed a movement and can set
So many things in motion
A sentence here or there or a notion
Of confidence growing stronger
As a paragraph becomes a page
Soon so many fears are no longer
Such a worry to you
Little things can change a blue 
Sort of day around and before you 
Know it it's an amazing year
Rain may be falling but the sky will clear
I will see it like never before soon
The shinning stars & bright moon
The beauty of sunset before nightfall
I'll share them all with you all
As well as the words that fall
From inspiration to my hands
A good lesson from the past stands
Amongst bad memories that great 
Things come not because we wait
Or rush through things, but from believing
In ourselves and following our hearts


So, I've decided to get Lasik. 
Also, that I'm not yet going to try to regiment my time for writing. I had this idea to try to schedule certain times of day. I may still. It seems so hard to get myself to sit and plug away at finishing stories I've started. I'm tired of them having beginnings and no endings. Also I decided that my whole thing of writing every day is not exclusive to the blog. So I am not going to try to get myself to blog everyday. As this is a creative outlet for me and I don't want it to turn into some weird personal diary that I share with the world. The stories I have started, those that aren't just in my head, they are on my computer already. So days I work on them I probably won't add anything here. I know this is seeming pretty diary like, but eh whatever. Point is that I am working on making some changes, or at least continuing some things I've started. I am okay if some of that change/progression happens slowly and some of it fast. It's not that I'm not looking for balance, just trying not to force things too much, nor let my self get stagnant ever again.
Other than this cold... I think I'm off to a pretty grand start. :)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's a New Year & A New Day...

Lot's of rest, a good movie, part of a good book & some great music. A quiet New Years Day, still trying to get rid of a cold. Lot's of tea, water & relaxing. Yes, it's late. I can't seem to help it even with a cold & chamomile tea. Just can't seem to get myself to go to bed before midnight these days, let alone 1-2am. I need to work on that I suppose to make work days easier & fight future colds. They do say one does better with more sleep. You see... tomorrow I can sleep in & the day after too, that's part of what makes it so hard because then Tuesday morning will come & I have to get up & go to work. I'll do it & be nearly on time...
Anyway I'm rambling & it's late so I'll get to the point, even with this damned cold & being limited by it;
It's still been a good day.
With a bit of determination to take care of myself first & then work on some goals, I'll get over this cold & soon be starting this year right... it's gonna be great.
I know staying up so late is maybe not the best start, but eh Rome wasn't built in a day & I'm not going to change over night. Some habits die hard, what can I say... but I'll work on setting back the clock an hour or two if ya know what I mean, for my health. In other words -
I add one more New Years resolution: I'll work on getting to bed before midnight so I can get more sleep. Except on the days where it's worth it of course. ;)

In a way I suppose I have
Already failed on my resolution
To write each day to pave the way
To sharing my stories & a solution
Of sorts to abating some of my fears
That is, if I considered midnight the transition
Point to the next day
Technically yes it's tomorrow and I did not
Write a word yesterday
Unless you count emails & texts
But nothing creative, not yet
The fact is I don't consider it the next
Day until morning & that time
In my opinion does not start
Till the light of dawn approaches
Night is marked by darkness
Though truly I should try harder
To get to bed sooner
To have all the things I mean to do
Done long before this late hour
If indeed I also I wish to
Get enough sleep & be well
So either way I have now written
A few arbitrary words to quell
The urge that has bitten me
To keep this promise you see
Don't worry I shall
Try to get started earlier on
Now I bid you Good Night
& Sweet Dreams my friend

Oh, one last observation before I go: I've noticed I'm not used to doing anything with out music on, or the TV, though mostly music. The only time I'm with out any kind of back ground noise, the good kind of course & not the stuff you can help, is sometimes when I write to make it easier to concentrate on my own thoughts & when I sleep. Other wise I prefer there to be some music in the back ground. Especially if I'm cleaning, I'm so much more productive w/ a beat going.
With that last thought I bid you adieu. :)

Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Resolutions...

Continue to keep promises made to myself:
Take care of myself above all else.
Don't let anyone else's negativity bring me down.
Find ways to help the world around me with out sacrificing anything of myself but my time.
Sharing my love only with those who will return it, but sharing kindness even with those who won't.
Just fuckin' have fun and smile, damn the hard times or colds... they won't bring me down (at least not for long).

Last year I set a few goals, some consciously some not quite so, and I managed to achieve most of them:

  • I got rid of a weight holding me back & down (projected white light, as my mom would say, that he finds his way some day) and I moved on.
  • I got out & hung out w/ my friends more, went to some truly epic fun events. 
  • Made new friends, cemented old & new relationships into stronger ones & reconnected with lost friends. 
  • Got back into photography more but made sure that I was in some of them this time. That I won't be a photographer outside the circle, hovering with out being part of it. And I have plenty of fun pictures now to share with friends, family & even maybe get invited to the playboy mansion. Don't know why I want to go, I am totally heterosexual, but it's just the epitome of Hollywood, it's like the Graceland of Hollywood I think. 
  • I got into dancing into exercising more & really loved it. 
  • Got into costuming and made a couple of really cool costumes w/ tons & tons of help from my mom.


This year:
Just more of the same really, plus a bit ...

  • Continue to not worry bout being single, my romance, or many romances will come my way when I ain't looking for it. You know watch pots don't boil. Haha. Don't you love my mixing of bad English and strange analogies? Well I do!!!
  • Keep exercising - I totally slacked off the last few months of this year. There were many reasons, but dammit I liked it when my stomach looked as good when I sat down & when I just felt more fit. Which is really what it's about, I don't care if I lose 20 lbs or only 5lbs, but I do want to feel fine when I walk up a few flights of stairs or hike up a hill.
  • Find time to go to fun events, spending time w/ friends and family & taking time for myself too. 
  • Find a balance between going out & taking care of my health. Though this one, I'm only so dedicated to - I'm only 33 & not settled down & believe in everything in moderation including moderation. So some days anything goes & that's just the way it is!
  • Figure out & maintain this allergy stuff so it doesn't hold me back!
  • Plan & go on a couple of longer farther away trips... specifically Hawaii, Vegas, N. Cal including SF & SC, Arizona & later in the year Florida to see my baby great niece. If all of these doesn't happen next year, that's fine. However, I mean to have most of them happen. Depends on a few things of course... if we get our bonus at work, how good my tax return is & if I decide to get Lasek Surgery and if that really puts me in too tight a spot financially. I really really want to not wear glasses & would sacrifice a few of those trips for that. Just have to decide that I think it's safe & if it is then it's an investment in my future. So... hmmm, this one is definitely a work in progress, as they all are. Oh & Italy in 1-1 1/2 yrs.
  • Learn to sew.
  • Finish my mom's complicated but awesome Christmas present in the next month. I did not have time to finish it on time, but I got a couple of good replacements gifts to give her & to buy me some time. 
  • Work on being more focused when I'm work, it may be a 60%+ desk job & not what I want to do for my whole life, but I can't let that deter me from putting in at least 90-104% while I'm there because I'm damn lucky to have a job right now that treats me so well.

  • Okay now here's the BIGGY, that one that's really important to me right now, though they really all are, but this is one I've said I'd do for years now and keep putting off. This blog is a step in the right direction & I have a few other ideas going... START WRITING EVERYDAY (at least 6 out of 7 days a week, aren't I so determined, hah!) Really I want to get down to it, it's one thing that's always made me feel better when I'm blue, or frustrated, or have The Mean Reds (if you don't know what they are you NEED to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's). I've had some good story ideas in my head for ages but not the guts to get them written down, because they don't seem do come out right when I write them out. But dammit I've got to stop acting like I'm going to get it right the first time and stop being afraid. So whether if it's poetry or just silly stuff that's gone on during the day, I just want to get myself to write everyday. So soon I can get past those idiotic fears that I can't help but I can fight & I will indeed flesh out those stories & find my way to more. 
  • Part II of the writing more is that I will redo my photo from my trip to Europe (it was damaged in a broken fish tank incident) & in the process will write a blog on the adventures & crazy times had while away. Firelight Fiction Travel Tales coming soon!!!
Alright time to dry my hair and ditch this Popsicle stand. I'm still sniffly from my latest sinus infection but I refuse to stay in the house alone on New Years Eve. I just won't go be crazy, not tonight at least. Ally is being sweet right now too... laying next to me on the couch with her head on my lap, makes it hard to get up and get ready when she's being so cute. Cats can be so stand offish at times it's nice when they show they're needy but not greedy side. She probably knows I'm ditching her soon. But I'll be home in the morning & the kitties will be fine while I'm away.

Happy New Years!!! May 2011 bring some truly wonderful experiences & very few stressful situations.  

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Fighting a cold & feeding my soul

I have this oddball obsession with spirals
No you don't have worry it's not viral
I keep getting a this darn cold
Still I'm not ready to give up & fold
Give me a crazy idea & I'm sold
Yet I can't seem to decide on anything
So don't bother offering me a ring
Unless it's made of hard candy
One of raspberry would be dandy
Then my tongue would be red
Instead of pink a color I dread
Just passing time playing with words
Like kids slaying each other with fake swords
Sometimes we have to find any way
To have some fun while the sun is away
Stuck inside while the wind whips wildly
Strange weather is putting it mildly
The sort that puts one in the oddest of moods
Makes you think of getting lost in the woods
Or trying to sate your appetite with weird foods
Of adventures far away where nothing
Looks the same and there's always something
New to do or see in places far away
Though sometimes it can be nice to stay
In one place and enjoy quiet moments of nothing
Thinking of all the places you could be
The people you could meet and things to see
And not having to be anywhere but home relaxing
Writing silly words and listing to the wind whipping
Outside and being warm inside and being able
To smile at silly thoughts & dreaming up a fable
About someone somewhere who feels perfectly fine
After a bit of rest that story will soon be mine

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Been a while...

Time has flown by so fast again
I know it's no excuse, no reason
Not for me to say I had 
Any right to not write you before now
To let another season pass
It's always what I've said in the past
Empty excuses & small white lies followed
By empty sorrow for time past 
With out your presence 
Whether of body or voice or heart
We live our lives like bees or dragonflies
So busy & so used to buzzing about 
That we don't know how to stop 
To just enjoy each other while we can
I can only be who I am & I've ran 
From myself plenty of times before
It gets me nowhere - but in messy circles
I can cross my heart with threat of 
Poked out eyes
 That I will stop
 To say Hi
I will try to pause to look at the stars 
To look at your face and remember your eyes
Their color
Maybe even the words 
Written in them, those that float up from your soul
Your expression and the graceful way you say certain things
Or the silly stuff you do when you think
No one is looking
I can promise, but I am me & a crazy fool 
Most days of the week

Monday, November 1, 2010

To my friends patiently awaiting the stork...

Babies come when they’re ready
People go when it's time
The world can be f'd up & crazy
But I know things will turn out fine
As an optimist I stay steady
And in the darkest hours of night
I believe, though it’s not always easy,
That good times are just out of sight
If they’re not here already
Just like switching on a light
Things can change instantly
Fight for what is right &
Enjoy every moment you can
With carefree delight  

A Facebook repost: 25 Random Things About Me...

(Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.)

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)(Side note: Ack, it was hard for me to figure out 25 people to pester with this, because it's sort of like a chain letter and I hate those... but this is more fun, although I know it's like those silly stupid addictive surveys that were so popular on Myspace. Also, technically it's well more than 25 that I posted really.)


1. I'm very good at procrastinating. 2 good examples: James sent me this, or tagged me or however, to do this back in June, 4 months ago. Also, I should be working on a stupid conference list/schedule at work and have to get it done today, but I'm doing this instead because it was putting me to sleep. Soon, really. (Actually, I finally finished the Conference Schedule instead of this, and a week later... here we are... LOL)

2. I used to speak my own language, only a few people understood it. I had to unlearn it because one idiot teacher thought I was retarded. Some of my own words are still in my vocabulary. 

3. There is a mental condition named after me or having to do with me that is: Tuiosis ~ the state of confusion brought on by being in the presence of Tui. (my friend Josh C. was the first one diagnosed)

4. I can't pick favorites. Color ~ black or jewel tones, not pastel - yuck. Ask me 1 favorite and 3-5 always pop in my head to say of almost anything. It all depends on my mood or the day of the week. Often times if it's and either/or question I want to say both, all of the above, or none.

5. As a child I was a triple threat ~ to myself. I tripped over my own feet, had a speech impediment, and a unique name.

6. I have lots of collections. Mostly stuff for crafts, but also pictures, little figures of fantasy creatures, small bottles... I even collect people, but don't worry I only keep the rocks and shells in boxes, my friends come and go as they please. 

7. When I'm excited, drunk or really nervous I tend to babble. Sometimes even when I'm bored

8. I write stories, poems, random thoughts for fun or to help me get through stress. Unfortunately I suck at writing letters and keeping up correspondence with friends and family and have lost touch w/ many people because of it. 

9. Photography is one of my great loves. Movies and music too.   

10. Apparently I have a very unique style of dancing that makes it easy to spot me on a dance floor. I love to dance, but I can't seem to help doing it to my own rhythm. One day I'll learn to count the beat and hit it. I want to get better at belly dancing, learn swing again, and a few other styles too like the foxtrot (that one just sounds cool).

11.  I miss traveling very much. I once saved my pennies and spent over 4 months in Europe traveling through 8 countries. About the best thing I've ever done. I've decided to start a blog soon to chronicle my past travels to inspire myself (and others) to save and prep for another big adventure. 

12. My friend Greg told me I attract randomness, he's right, I like variety and strange things happen around me and to me all the time. I've also been told that Trouble should be my middle name, so true... ;)

13. I have horrible taste in guys to date. 

14. My style is somewhere between So. Cal beach girl, punk rocker, shabby chic, gypsy and retro with a smidgen of biz casz. I've been told it's called BoHo, but that's about the ickyist term ever.

15. Being creative runs in my family, my mom especially is a fantastic artist and works in almost every medium.  http://www.pheemcfaddell.com/   ~ my mom's website
Though I strongly believe everyone is creative in some way or at least has the ability. I do a few artsy/crafty things myself incl. wood burning, collaging stuff like suitcases, drawing and am learning to design and make costumes. 

16. My birthday falls on Thanksgiving about every seven years. 

17. I suck at pop trivia, balancing on anything but my own feet, can't hold a tune, am horribly forgetful... 

18. Bubbles and fireworks still fascinate me.

19.  I'm always running late but hate to be rushed. Though I admit I do need a push every so often.

20. Love being near the water, oceans or streams, but I'm cursed w/ water problems at home. I've had so many weird roof leaks and water heater problems it's amazing, think they're finally over now that I'm in my new place.

21. They really do need to invent a time traveling device, forcefields and teleporters. Just think of the things we could do. Time traveling would just be epic fun and you could learn so much. Forcefields bring infinite possibilities from keeping your cat out of the closet to stopping fights or even wars. Just think of the gas you'd save if you had a teleporter, and I wouldn't be late so much!

22. I would love to be able to visit the roaring 20s, Hollywood when it was known for glamour, Ireland when it was still covered w/ forests, Victorian London, Italy during the Renaissance... many time periods & places. But I'm so glad I live now and not then.

23.   I used to think I was afraid of heights, but then I learned I'm really afraid of falling. I can barely stand rock climbing or being on a ladder but I have no problem on a plane or tall building. I do love roller coasters and am seriously thinking of going skydiving.

24. My answer to what superpower I would have is usually telekinesis, but then I wonder if it wouldn't make me horribly lazy. My favorite of the X-men was always Rogue, followed by Gambit and Psylocke. 

25. My unique name: my parents threw coins to get it from a book called the I Ching which says my name essentially means Youngest Daughter & Joyous Lake, I am the youngest of 6 kids and born near Cuyamacca Lake. It's also the name of a Bird and a Beer in New Zealand and a Fish in N.W. US