(Just) Scratching the surface...

(old stuff that had been left in the editing room)


... of My Life
Living my life while
just scratching the surface
Of what lies beneath my skin
Sure I may wear my emotions
On my sleeve
But few, if any have ever seen
What desires lay with in
It is not that I lie to others
Intentionally, if at all
Nor do I know if it is fear
or not truly knowing myself
That keeps me from delving deeper
Not showing or saying more
Not trying harder or fighting harder
All I know is I haven't yet broken
The skin, my blood beneath just warm
What am I trying to say you may ask
Why have I not before searched
For the words is my only answer
Why do I look back and think
I could have done more
Feeling that in just a blink
Of an eye so much time has past
And I with so little to show
I've never broken a bone
My scars are few
Only a few stories to tell
Will those memories last
When their numbers seem so small

... of our Situation
Trying to rationalize and analyze
The situation though no good end
Can in fact be realized by it
There is nothing to understand
Nothing to figure out about it
We have to live in the moment
Whether it is what it is or
More a matter of what it isn't
We are just scratching the surface
But maybe better that than digging in
Then to be tearing everything to shreds
Till blood runs from wounded skin
That will never really heal
Till we drive ourselves mad on
Over thinking how we feel
Or the situation at hand and
Push everyone else away
With our stir crazed ways
Instead of just finding a way
To go with the flow but stay
True to ourselves along the way
Why can't we just be
Instead of having to put
Names and rules onto everything
While just scratching the surface
Of who we are under our fake facades
Why can't we just put aside
Our preconceived notions and expectations
Of each other and ride the waves
As they come instead of finding ways
To destroy one another
Either directly or with apathy
I for one
Would like to find a another way

Change is on the horizon... I'm reacting as I know how ~ a mix of internalize, talk & write...

So, it's back to the drawing board again, soon anyway. Well sort of, it's not like I'm starting w/ a fresh page... in some ways that might be nice ~ a fresh start.
The fact is that I have a foundation of friends, a little network of connections and large pool of experiences to draw from. This may indeed be a blessing in disguise.
Oh ~ I realize that it's not likely that, unless you are part of an exceptionally small circle of people, you have any clue of what I'm talking about. I do that sometimes... start in the middle of a story and then back up.
I am essentially getting demoted at work. My hours are getting cut dramatically, however, my workload is only being cut by a sliver. It's just economics, I was told. I took an economics course a long time ago, I don't remember this part, but it was just a general overview of a class. I do understand their reasons, to a point, but it is still a kick in the gut.

The fact is that I couldn't see myself doing this job forever, certainly I had for longer than this, but Office Management is not really an ideal goal for someone who wants to have variety & creativity in their career. Not that there wouldn't be variety of a sort, if -you- the audience is feeling nit-picky, but not a much in the long run.

I got a damn good compliment yesterday amongst the maelstrom of change and wicked bad feelings- that a friend of mine has no doubt in my abilities to survive and get through this or anything. That I didn't deserve what is happening & I'm a pretty hard person to not like.
Yes, if you were wondering, I do listen. My hearing isn't fantastic, my memory randomly sucks balls & my mind is often running in 10 different directions, so not everything filters through. But I do try to listen.
I'm not good at giving 100 % to any one thing, it's true, I'll admit it. It's just how I am, just part of who I am.

Fact is that I've gotten less shy & more confident, my clothing style has changed with what's available & what I can afford at the time, my attitude & vocabulary have changed with my knowledge... but I am still the same weirdo that I've always been. I haven't changed that much. I'm good with that. I know I'll get through this and figure something better out.

No Plans!

It's my motto for a reason.
No Plans!!!
This started over 10 years ago while I was traveling through Europe.  On our travels my friend Will and I adopted this motto. We learned real quick that if you planned for something you had a high chance of  being disappointed when it fell through, but more importantly of possibly missing out on something even better. We found ourselves both saying it out loud quite often, so that it sort of turned into a mantra.

Don't get me wrong... have guidelines, hopes and/or ideas of where you'd like things to go or end up.
But nothing can be, nor should it be, set in stone. You've got to leave you're options open and not get down when things change or don't turn out the way you expected.

You just never know what may be around the corner, who may be there to lend you a hand & show you a different direction, or how you may lose out on something only to get something better... The list goes on.
I've learned this both the hard way & in the best ways possible.

I was reminded of this again yesterday when I found out that I'll need to start looking for a new job soon. So be it, this isn't where I expected to be forever. 2 + years is not a bad stint.

No Plans!

A few fitting quotes I found...

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable." ~Wendy Wasserstein

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~ Michael Landon

"Well, for us, it's always better not to have too many expectations and to just go with the flow because then it's always a big plus no matter what happens." ~Ville Valo

Switch out the word 'book' with 'life' (well it works for part of it)....
"Few people ask from books what books can give us. Most commonly we come to books with blurred and divided minds, asking of fiction that it shall be true, of poetry that it shall be false, of biography that it shall be flattering, of history that it shall enforce our own prejudices. If we could banish all such preconceptions when we read, that would be an admirable beginning."
— Virginia Woolf

The following is only half-right, but still a good read. (I think the world has more than we can ever hope for, but it rarely gives us what we want)...
"When we pick up the newspaper at breakfast, we expect - we even demand - that it brings us momentous events since the night before...We expect our two-week vacations to be romantic, exotic, cheap, and effortless..We expect anything and everything. We expect the contradictory and the impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious; luxurious cars which are economical. We expect to be rich and charitable, powerful and merciful, active and reflective, kind and competitive. We expect to be inspired by mediocre appeals for excellence, to be made literate by illiterate appeals for literacy...to go to 'a church of our choice' and yet feel its guiding power over us, to revere God and to be God. Never have people been more the masters of their environment. Yet never has a people felt more deceived and disappointed. For never has a people expected so much more than the world could offer."
— Daniel J. Boorstin

"[T]he experience of mystery comes not from expecting it but through yielding all your programs, because your programs are based on fear and desire. Drop them and the radiance comes. (16)"
— Joseph Campbell (Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor)

"Nowadays, I dont have expectations, and this way she beats them all."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” ~ Gestalt prayer

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have”
Stephen Hawking quotes (English Physicist, b.1942)

These two kind of go against what I'm saying, but not really...

"If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed.
Apart from a few starry-eyed poets or monks living on a mountaintop somewhere, however, we all have expectations. We not only have them, we need them. They fuel our dreams, our hopes, and our lives like some super-caffeinated energy drink."
— Tonya Hurley (Homecoming)

"Excellence is the Result of Caring more than others think is Wise, Risking more than others think is Safe, Dreaming more than others think is Practical, and Expecting more than others think is Possible."
— Ronnie Oldham

What I am in a glimpse...

Yes it’s true, I apologize too much

Except when it’s socially correct

I stare off into space and go away

To who knows where for periods of time

And when I get back I say strange things

That usually make sense, to me at least

Though sometimes to no one at all

I give too much of myself & settle in too quickly

Yet hold pieces of myself from everyone

I run away all the time, in my mind

But always come back or find somewhere

Else to go

You think you know me so well

But believe me when I tell you that you don’t

Though you may know me better than myself

My quirks are many
I giggle at odd moments or stay oddly silent
Seem far more serious than I ever am
Obsess on silly things & distract easily
I talk too much and interrupt

I rarely say what I really mean
Though I never intentionally lie or hide
Well sometimes

But because it’s safer for both you and I

That way 

I have trouble finding the right words

And I’m never on time

I know things will go wrong

But believe they’ll work out in the end

I’m overly polite, kind and compassionate

Yet part of me doesn’t fucking care at all

If you stay a while I’ll probably drive you away

But maybe we’ll find a space that we’re

Both comfortable with

A certain pleasant mix of solitude and together

An unset and not unsettling schedule

I do believe anything is possible

I just don’t believe that a lot of things are likely

To happen, just because they can or could

If you ask me I’ll likely remember the answer

Hours later after you’ve fallen asleep

Or tell you something close enough to the truth

If you walk away I’ll want you to stay

If you stay I’ll walk away or stay too long

I can try harder to do more and will

But for now these are the words I have

The accomplishments I have managed

And as disappointing as they may seem at times

They are enough, as am I

Don’t put me on a pedestal and I won’t spit on you

Don’t spit on me or ignore me and you may

Find I’m worth having by your side

I need my own time & space as do you

Sometimes neither will ever be enough

Or far too painfully much

Sometimes it will be seemingly perfect

Either way, as fucked up as it can get

It is what it is and I am who I am

And I'm tired of apologizing for that

Of making excuses for not being good enough

Or cool enough to know what band is on the radio

Or who invented what or to care what the reasoning is

Behind it all, it is what it is

I am who I am

I may never be satisfied with that and that's life

But if you're not, then do me a favor and walk away

Sooner than later

Because I may work to better my faults

But you have no more right to try to change me

Then I do to try to change you

If I try to then I do apologize, I never meant to

Grey Matter Parasites

I have to stay busy you know

To keep the synapses active in my brain

Then their electrical impulses can zap

The hungry worms that move around

The grey matter that try to gobble up

All my good memories and tangle things up

Creating thoughts of confusion and paranoia

Can’t pause for too long

Lest they eat up the day that we made plans

For tomorrow & laughed about yesterday

Sometimes I even think I can hear the crunching

That they make as they make snacks of my thoughts

But then it’s just the neighbors next door

Sometimes I think I can hear them slithering

As they move between my imagination and reason

But it’s just the wind picking up outside

If I stay busy I think they’ll stay away

From the color of your eyes

And what I was supposed to get done today

Personality Riddles - 1

So what am I

A turtle dove with clipped wings in the wrong season

A child with far too much reason filling her brain

A mass murderer who won’t even kill a fly

A person who forgot the answers to why & why not

Standing on the edge of reason and wanting to jump

A laugh at an awkward moment

A song with lyrics that make no sense but sound good anyway

A riddle with no answer because no one wants to guess

A maid with no house to clean but a dirty mind

A moment that lasts too long but not long enough

Depending on the day and who is nearby

I am so many different things

Yet still nothing more than me

Not wanting to wait...

Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you

Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you can’t find the time

To tell me Hi every once in a while

Guess it seems silly to you and maybe it is

Seems silly to me that I care, that I wonder, or let it bother me

Believe me I wish I could shut that part of my brain off

Get myself to understand that one does not have to do

With the other, that not calling, is not the same as not caring

I know the truth, but my mind still creates imaginary

Scenarios in which the world is lopsided and I’m on the

Narrow side unable to see or be a part of the rest of things

Does this make sense?

Just as well I don’t understand it myself

What gives you the right to go on living and doing

Things without involving me

What makes me want to be involved when I want to

Live my own life

Why do I ask for things I do not want?

Why is this not good enough and if it isn’t

Why can’t I just walk away?

Maybe it’s more than I want, it’s certainly

Not what I asked for, but then that’s serendipity

I want you to tell me, let me in on the secrets

You seem to be hiding

But I don’t want to you change or have to say

A thing you don’t want to

What is it we need and will it ever be enough

I can’t seem to feed this empty confused place

That lives inside of me like a black hole in my belly

Yet every so often it’s simply satisfied and

I don’t know what to do with myself

But smile or giggle and give you a strange look

Just so you know I refuse to wait by the phone

But I would like it if you called at some point

Though if you do I might not answer anyway