Little moments that go by too fast
Sharing thoughts over drinks
It's not meant to last
Doesn't make it any less incredible
It's not the grand gestures
That make big impressions
A broken cookie & icing on your nose
Silly things that take so little
Yet mean so much more

Starting an adventure doesn't
Take a huge leap
Just a few steps
A bit of planning
Some hope
A decent amount of determination
And finding the way to set aside
Any fears of failure

There aren't any right words
You can put them in the
Grammatically correct order
You can say them in a way
That is considered politically correct
But none of that really matters
When it comes from the heart
When you say it simply because
You need to say it
The truth may hurt
The joke may fall flat
The meaning might be misunderstood
Saying it may make you feel stupid
But if you say the words with
No ill intent
Then they are never wrong
Nor idiotic or dumb
And should not be kept inside
For it would be worse
To have to say later
That you never tried

My coffee has gone lukewarm
As I sort through the
Distorted pictures and words written
On faded pages of paper
I can flip through the past
Change it or rearrange it
But I can't make it new
These are only memories
Glimpses of what may have happened
They just weigh me down
Letting me put my life on pause
While I reminisce about
What could have been
Or linger on the "good times"
I'm not saying I'm ready to throw it
All away or that I really need to
But it's time to set it all aside
Not worry if I remember each
Of the moments just right or
If they fall in the correct order
I've learned what I can from them
I'm ready to be rid of the weight
To feel even just a bit lighter
Like my nearly back coffee
A little creamer to cut the bitterness
Of the dark roast
I drink it down savoring the last bit
Of warmth in the ceramic mug
Knowing my past is just part of me
But like a job or name or title
It does not define me
But maybe what I've lived through
Has made me a bit stronger
Even more ready to deal
With each day to come
From now on

Next Chapter...

The past may be behind me
But I still feel it's pull on me
Like I was never successful
At sawing through the chains
They still tug at me like stains
On my shirt reminding me
Of mistakes made
Of spilled milk that I haven't
Learned to ignore and let
Someone else deal with for once
Always cleaning up others messes
While my ever growing stresses
Rise like a wave about to break
I'm tired of being scared of taking
That leap forward and making
A drastic change
I don't really know what I want
I don't really know what I'm afraid of
While my life was on pause
The rest of the wold moved on
Others learned, saw, lost, and fought
Now it's my turn to make a move
To put blinders on the past
Let it be no more than the last
Chapter in a book that can be
Reread but must be set aside
For the next volume
For adventure awaits in the next pages
I can't check the back for answers
I have to have faith in the choices
I make from this moment forward
No matter the worries that whisper
In my ear and darken my peripheral
I need to trust in the direction I take

(Just) Scratching the surface...

(old stuff that had been left in the editing room)


... of My Life
Living my life while
just scratching the surface
Of what lies beneath my skin
Sure I may wear my emotions
On my sleeve
But few, if any have ever seen
What desires lay with in
It is not that I lie to others
Intentionally, if at all
Nor do I know if it is fear
or not truly knowing myself
That keeps me from delving deeper
Not showing or saying more
Not trying harder or fighting harder
All I know is I haven't yet broken
The skin, my blood beneath just warm
What am I trying to say you may ask
Why have I not before searched
For the words is my only answer
Why do I look back and think
I could have done more
Feeling that in just a blink
Of an eye so much time has past
And I with so little to show
I've never broken a bone
My scars are few
Only a few stories to tell
Will those memories last
When their numbers seem so small

... of our Situation
Trying to rationalize and analyze
The situation though no good end
Can in fact be realized by it
There is nothing to understand
Nothing to figure out about it
We have to live in the moment
Whether it is what it is or
More a matter of what it isn't
We are just scratching the surface
But maybe better that than digging in
Then to be tearing everything to shreds
Till blood runs from wounded skin
That will never really heal
Till we drive ourselves mad on
Over thinking how we feel
Or the situation at hand and
Push everyone else away
With our stir crazed ways
Instead of just finding a way
To go with the flow but stay
True to ourselves along the way
Why can't we just be
Instead of having to put
Names and rules onto everything
While just scratching the surface
Of who we are under our fake facades
Why can't we just put aside
Our preconceived notions and expectations
Of each other and ride the waves
As they come instead of finding ways
To destroy one another
Either directly or with apathy
I for one
Would like to find a another way

Change is on the horizon... I'm reacting as I know how ~ a mix of internalize, talk & write...

So, it's back to the drawing board again, soon anyway. Well sort of, it's not like I'm starting w/ a fresh page... in some ways that might be nice ~ a fresh start.
The fact is that I have a foundation of friends, a little network of connections and large pool of experiences to draw from. This may indeed be a blessing in disguise.
Oh ~ I realize that it's not likely that, unless you are part of an exceptionally small circle of people, you have any clue of what I'm talking about. I do that sometimes... start in the middle of a story and then back up.
I am essentially getting demoted at work. My hours are getting cut dramatically, however, my workload is only being cut by a sliver. It's just economics, I was told. I took an economics course a long time ago, I don't remember this part, but it was just a general overview of a class. I do understand their reasons, to a point, but it is still a kick in the gut.

The fact is that I couldn't see myself doing this job forever, certainly I had for longer than this, but Office Management is not really an ideal goal for someone who wants to have variety & creativity in their career. Not that there wouldn't be variety of a sort, if -you- the audience is feeling nit-picky, but not a much in the long run.

I got a damn good compliment yesterday amongst the maelstrom of change and wicked bad feelings- that a friend of mine has no doubt in my abilities to survive and get through this or anything. That I didn't deserve what is happening & I'm a pretty hard person to not like.
Yes, if you were wondering, I do listen. My hearing isn't fantastic, my memory randomly sucks balls & my mind is often running in 10 different directions, so not everything filters through. But I do try to listen.
I'm not good at giving 100 % to any one thing, it's true, I'll admit it. It's just how I am, just part of who I am.

Fact is that I've gotten less shy & more confident, my clothing style has changed with what's available & what I can afford at the time, my attitude & vocabulary have changed with my knowledge... but I am still the same weirdo that I've always been. I haven't changed that much. I'm good with that. I know I'll get through this and figure something better out.

No Plans!

It's my motto for a reason.
No Plans!!!
This started over 10 years ago while I was traveling through Europe.  On our travels my friend Will and I adopted this motto. We learned real quick that if you planned for something you had a high chance of  being disappointed when it fell through, but more importantly of possibly missing out on something even better. We found ourselves both saying it out loud quite often, so that it sort of turned into a mantra.

Don't get me wrong... have guidelines, hopes and/or ideas of where you'd like things to go or end up.
But nothing can be, nor should it be, set in stone. You've got to leave you're options open and not get down when things change or don't turn out the way you expected.

You just never know what may be around the corner, who may be there to lend you a hand & show you a different direction, or how you may lose out on something only to get something better... The list goes on.
I've learned this both the hard way & in the best ways possible.

I was reminded of this again yesterday when I found out that I'll need to start looking for a new job soon. So be it, this isn't where I expected to be forever. 2 + years is not a bad stint.

No Plans!

A few fitting quotes I found...

"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable." ~Wendy Wasserstein

"Dreaming is one thing, and working towards the dream is one thing, but working with expectations in mind is very self-defeating." ~ Michael Landon

"Well, for us, it's always better not to have too many expectations and to just go with the flow because then it's always a big plus no matter what happens." ~Ville Valo

Switch out the word 'book' with 'life' (well it works for part of it)....
"Few people ask from books what books can give us. Most commonly we come to books with blurred and divided minds, asking of fiction that it shall be true, of poetry that it shall be false, of biography that it shall be flattering, of history that it shall enforce our own prejudices. If we could banish all such preconceptions when we read, that would be an admirable beginning."
— Virginia Woolf

The following is only half-right, but still a good read. (I think the world has more than we can ever hope for, but it rarely gives us what we want)...
"When we pick up the newspaper at breakfast, we expect - we even demand - that it brings us momentous events since the night before...We expect our two-week vacations to be romantic, exotic, cheap, and effortless..We expect anything and everything. We expect the contradictory and the impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious; luxurious cars which are economical. We expect to be rich and charitable, powerful and merciful, active and reflective, kind and competitive. We expect to be inspired by mediocre appeals for excellence, to be made literate by illiterate appeals for literacy...to go to 'a church of our choice' and yet feel its guiding power over us, to revere God and to be God. Never have people been more the masters of their environment. Yet never has a people felt more deceived and disappointed. For never has a people expected so much more than the world could offer."
— Daniel J. Boorstin

"[T]he experience of mystery comes not from expecting it but through yielding all your programs, because your programs are based on fear and desire. Drop them and the radiance comes. (16)"
— Joseph Campbell (Thou Art That: Transforming Religious Metaphor)

"Nowadays, I dont have expectations, and this way she beats them all."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” ~ Gestalt prayer

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have”
Stephen Hawking quotes (English Physicist, b.1942)

These two kind of go against what I'm saying, but not really...

"If you expect nothing, you can never be disappointed.
Apart from a few starry-eyed poets or monks living on a mountaintop somewhere, however, we all have expectations. We not only have them, we need them. They fuel our dreams, our hopes, and our lives like some super-caffeinated energy drink."
— Tonya Hurley (Homecoming)

"Excellence is the Result of Caring more than others think is Wise, Risking more than others think is Safe, Dreaming more than others think is Practical, and Expecting more than others think is Possible."
— Ronnie Oldham

What I am in a glimpse...

Yes it’s true, I apologize too much

Except when it’s socially correct

I stare off into space and go away

To who knows where for periods of time

And when I get back I say strange things

That usually make sense, to me at least

Though sometimes to no one at all

I give too much of myself & settle in too quickly

Yet hold pieces of myself from everyone

I run away all the time, in my mind

But always come back or find somewhere

Else to go

You think you know me so well

But believe me when I tell you that you don’t

Though you may know me better than myself

My quirks are many
I giggle at odd moments or stay oddly silent
Seem far more serious than I ever am
Obsess on silly things & distract easily
I talk too much and interrupt

I rarely say what I really mean
Though I never intentionally lie or hide
Well sometimes

But because it’s safer for both you and I

That way 

I have trouble finding the right words

And I’m never on time

I know things will go wrong

But believe they’ll work out in the end

I’m overly polite, kind and compassionate

Yet part of me doesn’t fucking care at all

If you stay a while I’ll probably drive you away

But maybe we’ll find a space that we’re

Both comfortable with

A certain pleasant mix of solitude and together

An unset and not unsettling schedule

I do believe anything is possible

I just don’t believe that a lot of things are likely

To happen, just because they can or could

If you ask me I’ll likely remember the answer

Hours later after you’ve fallen asleep

Or tell you something close enough to the truth

If you walk away I’ll want you to stay

If you stay I’ll walk away or stay too long

I can try harder to do more and will

But for now these are the words I have

The accomplishments I have managed

And as disappointing as they may seem at times

They are enough, as am I

Don’t put me on a pedestal and I won’t spit on you

Don’t spit on me or ignore me and you may

Find I’m worth having by your side

I need my own time & space as do you

Sometimes neither will ever be enough

Or far too painfully much

Sometimes it will be seemingly perfect

Either way, as fucked up as it can get

It is what it is and I am who I am

And I'm tired of apologizing for that

Of making excuses for not being good enough

Or cool enough to know what band is on the radio

Or who invented what or to care what the reasoning is

Behind it all, it is what it is

I am who I am

I may never be satisfied with that and that's life

But if you're not, then do me a favor and walk away

Sooner than later

Because I may work to better my faults

But you have no more right to try to change me

Then I do to try to change you

If I try to then I do apologize, I never meant to