Saying Good Night...

Been forever since I saw you last
How can it feel like yesterday
When I've forgotten so many things that have past
Know I never knew you that way
Not much further than hello how's your day
The time went by too damn fast
Can't help that I don't want to see you go
Even for a just a few days
What happens if I blink, do you know
I do, I might forget the way
It was when you made me smile
Fuck if I even remember your name
I'm doing good these days
The memories continue to pile
Up in so many stacks yet theres no way
I get to pick which ones I get to keep
People are the same exact way
So I can't help it if I want you to stay
Sure I can pretend I don't & just sleep
Ignore it and wish it all away
Not like I haven't lost others along the way
Or that I may not see you another day
That I'll be busy tomorrow anyway
That I've got things to do myself for myself
Still doesn't mean I should pretend
I want you to walk away or that it's the unselfish
Thing to do to hide what I want instead
Fuck if I know the right thing to say
At a any typical time and I've already said
Too damn much but not enough to make
You understand why I looked away
No matter what I do I keep making the same mistake
Whether I'm holding too tight and saying too much
Or ignoring everything and waiting, being fake
Not being myself, it's all the same such bullshit
It's always too soon or too late
Yet today seems a bit different
Maybe I'll have a bit of luck and fate
Will smile on me for another day
Because I don't care anymore about what's waiting
For me tomorrow or what titles we use or the way
That yesterday had to end
I know I'll see you some other day
So for now I'm going to go my own way

Make the most of today...

Forgotten nights & forgotten dreams
Lay by the bedside as I wake
But today I leave my regrets
With them as well to dissipate
With the morning dew
Time to stop procrastinating
I have things to do
Stories and verses to write
Plans to make for today
For tomorrow
No more waiting for later
Or blaming my lethargy on
Days that haven't gone the way
I would have hoped
Of memories I'd rather forget
Or times I've lost
Nights I can't remember
Or even the ones I couldn't
Make last longer
I can't say my regrets
Will be gone from me truly
I still carry their weight a bit
Though they are not the same
Anchor weighing me down
Like me they have changed
They are my jacket that keeps
Me warm on cold nights
A reminder of times survived
Of laughter had and ahead
I may remember the strangest things
Then forget your name
But for today at least
I will not dwell on these things
Having no shame
I'll go with the flow
Play the cards I'm dealt
But keep a two of spades
Up my sleeve just in case
I'm gonna make the most of
This day
Try not to waste
Another moment on worry
Of what may be
Just make the most of today

Writing Poetry, so often what I do when I should be doing other things...

I'm avoiding homework again
Can't seem to explain why
Just how it is w/ my current
Lack of determination
It's been a frustrating semester
Mostly outside of the one class I'm taking
Many a great time had during the last few months
But also a lot of not feeling well
Of being stressed at work
And confused about what I'm doing
When I say "what", I do mean all of it
Work, home, hobbies, and my time
If I should be doing other things
or doing the same things differently
But again most of that has paled to
Time spent w/ friends & family
and what I have managed to accomplish
So though days like this are heavy and strange
They are the minority, luckily, and I'm working
On remembering that and not focusing on it
Instead concentrating on the better sides
The productive &/or fun stuff

Procrastination
I sit and wait
Like the book
Will open itself
The pencil will move
Of it's own accord.
There is work to be done
Assignments to be completed
Yet I'd rather write about the waves
Then concentrate on my studies
Read about others adventures
Than face my own chores
This is normal I know
To avoid the things we'd
Rather not do
Just as I know
That I need to push through
Find the motivation
So I may enjoy the satisfaction
Of marking another task
Off my to do list
Maybe even find I enjoy it
Once I dive in
Reading odd tales
Running random errands
Writing strange exercises
And being able to say that I
Put in the time & effort needed
Without failing myself or anyone else
So off the computer goes
For now, while I redirect my focus
And do what needs to be done

Frustrations and Fantasies...

Hate that my blog started turning into a journal about resolutions made, then resolutions not kept. To quote my supervisor... "Whatever!" She says that might be one her tombstone, if she has one. My favorite of hers is "I'm so scattered, but such a genius."

Another day not being able to concentrate at work, so many things I'd rather do or places I'd rather be...

These days I wade through
The piles of endless paperwork
And seemingly foolish dreams
I refuse to give in to feeling blue
No matter how hopeless it seems
I will find a shiny bit among the craziness
To urge myself forward and stay
True to myself always
Though in this quotidian world
I must live
For at least four days a week
Of my time only must I give
Into this routine
While my heart will still seek
Something to believe in
To smile about
Even in the darkest nights
Even during the days
That seem to wear me down
Make me want to pull my hair out
To just walk away into the sunset
Leaving everything behind
Even in those moments I can find
Or remember what it's worth
To push forward till better times


For a story I'm writing:

Like treasure sunken in the sea
She hides her secrets
Within her soul
There are some indeed
That should be left
Within their hold
To sleep hidden in the deep
While others must be dredged up
If she is ever to be free
No more pretending, no more lying
No more trying to be something else
Instead believing in herself for once
In what she's seen and done
In what she can be and do

Also for my story, sort of...

The sea gives and the sea takes
It transforms and it destroys
In it's waters it tests us and makes
Us prove ourselves
Strength is great and saves some
But you must bend to the waves
Or you shall be broken by them
If you listen
Her tides will guide you
If you disregard her
She will capsize you
No matter where you are
The oceans' song will not be far
Her voice reaches into our hearts
Whether near the shore or deep
In the city we can hear the roar
And crash that is a calming lullaby
For some and to others
A call to seek adventure and danger
Whether it sooths or excites the mind
Many can not be far from it or find
They grieve for it day and night
For the sea, she is relentless
Though if we listen she teaches us...

Journal Entry, Here I am...

Online Journal Entry

So I have thus failed at most of my New Years Resolutions. What are they really? Rules made to be broken or guidelines to push us and succeed by? Or, as is so common with me, a mixture of both.

No I haven't written each day. I have been writing more in the last few months than possibly in the last 5 years. Well, there was that burst at the beginning of the year before. So maybe I've written more in the last year or two than I had in ten. Either way, I still mean to keep a journal and work on trying to write nearly everyday and get some stories written.
A means to an end: I have gone back to school. It's sounds funny that way, I'm just taking one class. I'm in my third week of Fundamentals of Fiction.
Already I've gone through a comedy of errors, as is my way, to state it simply and quite honestly. If I said I didn't like it I'd always be at least half lying... because maybe my teacher is right, stories need conflict.
So the book I ordered though Amazon has been traveling around the US more than I have since I was 14. It first went from Chicago to New Jersey (hey my dad was born there, somewhere), then to Carson City and arrived in San Diego. After over a week of waiting I was like "finally it's here".
Ah, to no avail... it somehow was shipped out to New York where it did some sightseeing (or resting in the postal office confused) to be shipped back to San Diego many days later. I am still waiting & hoping it will arrive. I have since bought a book at the used bookseller for twice as much, that I have to return today if I hope to get my money back. Oh yes, in the middle I am still sick, stressed out by work, and getting frustrated by it all. Yet I have this desire to create and this almost disgustingly warm fuzzy internal feeling of optimism that I'm doing the right things for the most part, that I'll get better, get out have fun, stay in write or paint, and it will all work out. The only problem is know which way to go now. Stay in bed & hope that will rid me of infection. Pull out the table & a craft project. Go hang out with friends. Go to work and slosh through the paperwork, scheduling & phone calls. Or sit in front of the computer & write.
Well whatever the order... here I am...
I'm not staring aimlessly into a TV or a blank page (or screen) welling up with depression & regret. I'm moving forward. Um, yes, I did get caught up on two TV show episodes earlier, but I was also eating breakfast, drinking tea & taking my vitamins. Ah the life right... LOL
None the less... as I said, Here I Am... moving forward, not yet where I want to be maybe but where I need to be & oddly happy about it, all things considered.

Now...

New Years Begins...

Big decisions made 

The voucher is now paid

A bit more debt collected

My thoughts dissected

Over and over again

Finally I conclude to abstain

From weighing the pros and cons

No matter I have done tons

Of research, thought about it enough

Isn't it the time to sluff

Off worries & fears 

It is a New Year

Some things will indeed change 

Almost overnight as strange 

And impossible as it may seem

Others will be like a planted seed

That sits in the ground unseen

When you can not tell if anything 

Is happening because it is nothing

But slow progression and yet

It is indeed a movement and can set

So many things in motion

A sentence here or there or a notion

Of confidence growing stronger

As a paragraph becomes a page

Soon so many fears are no longer

Such a worry to you

Little things can change a blue 

Sort of day around and before you 

Know it it's an amazing year

Rain may be falling but the sky will clear

I will see it like never before soon

The shinning stars & bright moon

The beauty of sunset before nightfall

I'll share them all with you all

As well as the words that fall

From inspiration to my hands

A good lesson from the past stands

Amongst bad memories that great 

Things come not because we wait

Or rush through things, but from believing

In ourselves and following our hearts

So, I've decided to get Lasik. 

Also, that I'm not yet going to try to regiment my time for writing. I had this idea to try to schedule certain times of day. I may still. It seems so hard to get myself to sit and plug away at finishing stories I've started. I'm tired of them having beginnings and no endings. Also I decided that my whole thing of writing every day is not exclusive to the blog. So I am not going to try to get myself to blog everyday. As this is a creative outlet for me and I don't want it to turn into some weird personal diary that I share with the world. The stories I have started, those that aren't just in my head, they are on my computer already. So days I work on them I probably won't add anything here. I know this is seeming pretty diary like, but eh whatever. Point is that I am working on making some changes, or at least continuing some things I've started. I am okay if some of that change/progression happens slowly and some of it fast. It's not that I'm not looking for balance, just trying not to force things too much, nor let my self get stagnant ever again.

Other than this cold... I think I'm off to a pretty grand start. :)

It's a New Year & A New Day...

Lot's of rest, a good movie, part of a good book & some great music. A quiet New Years Day, still trying to get rid of a cold. Lot's of tea, water & relaxing. Yes, it's late. I can't seem to help it even with a cold & chamomile tea. Just can't seem to get myself to go to bed before midnight these days, let alone 1-2am. I need to work on that I suppose to make work days easier & fight future colds. They do say one does better with more sleep. You see... tomorrow I can sleep in & the day after too, that's part of what makes it so hard because then Tuesday morning will come & I have to get up & go to work. I'll do it & be nearly on time...
Anyway I'm rambling & it's late so I'll get to the point, even with this damned cold & being limited by it;
It's still been a good day.
With a bit of determination to take care of myself first & then work on some goals, I'll get over this cold & soon be starting this year right... it's gonna be great.
I know staying up so late is maybe not the best start, but eh Rome wasn't built in a day & I'm not going to change over night. Some habits die hard, what can I say... but I'll work on setting back the clock an hour or two if ya know what I mean, for my health. In other words -
I add one more New Years resolution: I'll work on getting to bed before midnight so I can get more sleep. Except on the days where it's worth it of course. ;)

In a way I suppose I have
Already failed on my resolution
To write each day to pave the way
To sharing my stories & a solution
Of sorts to abating some of my fears
That is, if I considered midnight the transition
Point to the next day
Technically yes it's tomorrow and I did not
Write a word yesterday
Unless you count emails & texts
But nothing creative, not yet
The fact is I don't consider it the next
Day until morning & that time
In my opinion does not start
Till the light of dawn approaches
Night is marked by darkness
Though truly I should try harder
To get to bed sooner
To have all the things I mean to do
Done long before this late hour
If indeed I also I wish to
Get enough sleep & be well
So either way I have now written
A few arbitrary words to quell
The urge that has bitten me
To keep this promise you see
Don't worry I shall
Try to get started earlier on
Now I bid you Good Night
& Sweet Dreams my friend

Oh, one last observation before I go: I've noticed I'm not used to doing anything with out music on, or the TV, though mostly music. The only time I'm with out any kind of back ground noise, the good kind of course & not the stuff you can help, is sometimes when I write to make it easier to concentrate on my own thoughts & when I sleep. Other wise I prefer there to be some music in the back ground. Especially if I'm cleaning, I'm so much more productive w/ a beat going.
With that last thought I bid you adieu. :)